tatlong taong walang diyos


Okay so recently may napanood ako sa Netflix, isang brutal na pelikulang pinamagatang Revenge. Tungkol ito sa babaeng ginahasa and tinangkang patayin, ngunit hindi sya mamatay-matay at naghiganti sya nang wagas. Sobrang daming harsh scenes that made me squirm (arte lang) like may natusok ng kahoy sa tiyan, may nakatapak ng bubog, may lumabas na bituka ganyan ETC so after mapanood ito naghanap ako ng feel good romantic comedy chick flick ganyan.


Sakto naman ito ang palabas sa TV. So nanood ako. Wala akong idea eh. Tatlong taong walang diyos? Hmmm incheesting... Sounds fun? I don't know. Naka-pigtails si Nora Aunor. Exciting.


PUTA WALA PANG 30 MINUTES NIRERAPE NA SI NORA AUNOR.

So ang mga kaganapang ito ay noong 1940s noong sepia colored pa ang mundo. Ang indication na lumang pelikula talaga ito: may buhok pa si Bembol Roco. Ang karakter nya ay si Crispin na isang gerilya(?) at aalis siya para lumaban sa gyera so nagpapaalam na sya sa kanyang kasintahang nakapigtails, si Rosario.

The next day habang nakadungaw si Rosario sa bintana dumaan yung friend nyang extra tapos sabi ni Friend "Huy Rosario umalis ka na diyan, balita ko ginagahasa ng mga Hapon ang mga kababaihan, lalo na ang magaganda!"

"So wala kang dapat ikatakot!" sabi ni Rosario, throwing some serious shade. Joke lang. Pero sabi nya "Hindi yan!" at hindi sya nagpatinag sa pagdungaw nya sa bintana during wartime.

Kinagabihan dumating si Christopher de Leon. Ang karakter nya ay half-Japanese na ang pangalan ay Masoogie (spelling?) kasama ang bestfriend (wink*wink) nyang si Dr Francis na kasama nya hanggang sa pag-ihi. Kumatok sila sa bahay ni Rosario at naghanap ng inumin. Inalok naman ng Tatay ni Rosario ang kanilang lambanog. Maya-maya nalasing na si Masoogie.

"Ubusin nyo na yan at umalis na kayo!" sabi ni Rosario. Hala si Masoogie lasing na lasing. Unang kita pa lang nya sa pigtails ni Rosario tinamaan kaagad sya. Gandang ganda. Takam na takam.

Hinabol nya, dinakma, dinala sa bodega at ginahasa si Rosario.

Tapos matapos nyang gahasain saka nagtanong si Masoogie "Anong pangalan mo?" what an asshole.

By the way, here are some screenshots. LITERAL na screenshots, pinipicturan ko ang TV. I hope I don't get in trouble for this LOLX SOWEE.



Syempre nagpupuyos sa galit si Rosario. VIRGIN KAYA SYA! ALAM MO BA KUNG GAANO KAHIRAP IMAINTAIN YUN??? Tapos ganun ganun lang. Nirereserve nya kaya to kay Crispin. Kaya tuwing babalik si Massogie sa bahay nila para mag-sorry (as in "SORRY LASING AKO NUN TSAKA ANG GANDA GANDA MO EH" like a proper rapist) eh binabato ni Rosario lahat ng object na maabot nya. Kulang na lang pati yung Nanay nyang konsintidora naibato nya na rin.

Masoogie: "Patawarin mo ako!"
Rosario: "Putangina mowaahhh!" -- Syempre lip reading lang, ni-mute ng ABS CBN yung words, but for clarity, ako na lang ang nag-assume ng mga sinabi nya from here on to properly tell this story.

Dumating si Masoogie may dalang bigas.
Rosario: "Kiking-ina moooohh gaguuuuuu" -- *sabay hagis ng bigas*

Yung Nanay ni Rosario, puta pinulot yung mga butil ng bigas. Taggutom kasi that time.

Eto pala si Mosoogie pag naka-uniform parang senior high school lang tapos parang tatay nya si Bembol.



Naglalaba si Rosario sa ilog tapos dumating si Masoogie.
Rosario: Hoooyyyy fuuuckkk youuuuu ka *sabay hagis ng labada eh di madumi na ulit?*

Masoogie: *niyakap si Rosario*
Rosario: "Bitiwan mowaahh akowaaahh! Nasasaktan akowwahhh!"
Masoogie: "Bakit ba???"
Rosario: "Buntis ako!"

Awww. Yun lang.

Yung Nanay ni Rosario nakakita ng opportunity: "Kalimutan mo na si Crispin patay na yun! Bakit ba galit na galit ka kay Masoogie! Eto nga ang dami nyang regalo sa atin."

Rosario: "Ayoko ng mga regalo nya."
Nanay: "Pero kinakain mo!" Hinard sya ng Nanay nya.

Kaaway ang mga Hapon. Pinapatay nila ang mga Pilipino. So kung tatanggapin ni Rosario si Masoogie, magagalit ang buong barangay.

Taong-bayan: "HOOOY TRAYDOOOR KA ASAWA NG HAPONNNN"
Nanay: "Deadma na."

Mapilit si Masoogie ah. Lakas ng tama nya kay Rosario. Wala na yung hangover ng lambanog pero gustong gusto nya talaga si Rosario.

"Bakit ba mahal mo ako?" tanong ni Rosario.
"Hindi ko alam, basta ang alam ko mahal kita!"

WOOOW sweet imagine your rapist telling you that.

Niyakap ni Masoogie si Rosario.
"Bitiwan mo aqquuuhhh!"

Masoogie walks away tapos bago lumabas sa pinto sabi nya "Mahal kita..." sabay alis.
*crickets*
*crickets*
after 3 minutes
"SINUNGALING!!! SINUNGALING KA!" Ang tagal nagsink in kay Rosario.



So nanganak si Rosario and one time gusto nya na itapon sa bangin yung baby pero nagbago ang isip nya tapos nagsimula na syang maniwala na mahal talaga siya ni Masoogie.



Tapos medyo na-enjoy nya pa yung perks of having a Japanese husband kasi nung pinatay ng mga Hapon lahat ng matatandang kalalakihan sa baryo nila except yung tatay ni Rosario kasi nga kakampi sila so that's nice I guess.

Hala one day guess who walked in.



Crispin. Buhay pa sya. Ang iniwan nyang girlfriend, ngayon ay asawa na ng Hapon at may anak na. Ang lungkot lungkot nya.

PASOK MOIRA! *Malaya ka na...*


"Mahal mo ba xa?"

Pinigtas ni Crispin ang rosary. Eh diba Rosario ang name nya! HALA FORESHADOWING?

Kinasal sina Masoogie at Rosario. Nag-honeymoon sila. Tapos one day just for fun pinatay ng mga taong bayan ang mga magulang ni Rosario kasi nga traydor daw sila. Nanaig ang poot sa puso ni Rosario kaya naman...


"Tatlong taong walang diyos mga ulul!" 

Meanwhile may gyera pa rin.




Gyera time, gyera things etc.

So hinabol sila ng mga sundalo tapos...



Let's talk about Francis. Si Francis na bestfriend ni Masoogie. Sa pagtakas nila nabaril si Francis.

And then in the next scene nagtatago sa kubo si Rosario at nagluto sya ng nilagang buto-buto...



WTF INULAM NYO SI FRANCIS!

Hala natunton sila ng mga taong bayan. Hilarity ensues.



Pinatay ng mga taongbayan si Masoogie. Tumakas uli si Rosario at humingi ng tulong kay Father.

"Father natatakot po ako."
"Bakit hindi mo subukang magdasal?"
"Kasi diba nga tatlong taong walang diyos? Pero sige itry ko po yan."


So pumunta si Rosario sa simbahan para magdasal...


...kung saan sya kinuyog ng mga taongbayan.



"Pahamak ka Father!!!"

Ang dami nila tapos mag-isa lang si Rosario. By the way...

Anong sinabi ng mother!

Anong sinabi ni Malena...


Si Rosario ang nauna. #trendsetter

Binigyan ng taongbayan si Rosario ng nanay haircut. Mabuti naman gupit lang. Akala ko sya na isusunod ng mga mamamatay-tao nyang ka-barangay.

Then some thing incheesting happend. So may commercials right?



TAPOS BIGLANG...


WAIT WAIT HOLD UP WTF ANYARE?

Marumi at patay na si Rosario WHAT HAPPENED I feel like I missed something here.

To end, may tanong si Crispin kay Father.


"Bakit ganito Father? Tatlong taon. Walang Diyos."


"Hindi Crixpn ang Diyos ay hindi nawala masdan mo ang bulag masdan mo ang pilay araw-araw silang nandito at sila ay nagdarasal at masdan mo kayong tatlo nina Rosario at Masoogie dahil sa tatlong taon ang pagmamahal ninyo ay hindi nawala sa inyong puso at ito ang nagbibigay sa atin ng lakas upang tayo ay mabuhay..."


"Ah."

THE END.

Ang Tatlong Taong Walang Diyos ay isang chick flick in the-more-you-hate-the-more-you-love kind of way, na sinahugan ng gyera, rape, at patayan. At cannibalism.

Seriously though this is a true Filipino cinematic classic SABEEE BIGLANG BUMAWI.


"UTUSAN WTF Hindi nyo man lang ako nabigyan ng pangalan?!?!" -- Estrella

sana dalawa ang puso and the concept of duality

Over the years, themes of duality have been explored and exploited in film and TV. ABS-CBN’s early 2018 offering, Sana Dalawa Ang Puso, is its latest endeavor to go down this familiar path. Not to be instantly judged as a misstep though, because every generation seems to give birth to an iconic duo - bitter rivalries between polar opposites, tragedy-stricken twins separated at birth, archetypes of good and evil caught in everlasting battles – they sometimes end up becoming the pairs that define a generation. Duality is a rich motif. Rivalries are entertaining when done right, and sometimes even when not. Twin-centered series never go out of fashion - admittedly it is fun to watch especially when twin characters are being played by the same actor/actress, adding a layer of cinematic wonder to the scene.

Sana Dalawa Ang Puso is a promising rom-com which may or may not adhere to a tried and tested formula, but what's clear is that it clings to a recurring theme: the number 2. From its title, to its official hashtag (#nalilitwo), to Jodi Sta Maria playing two different characters. Two faces, two pairs intersecting at some midpoint, two romances to follow – this is duality at the most obvious level, but the theme runs a lot deeper and in more subtle ways.

For a better understanding, let’s have a quick recap of the events so far.

The Switch

Lisa Laureano (Jodi Sta Maria), the only daughter of a cosmetics mogul, is about to take the helm of the family business. As the company faces its downfall, her father comes up with an unexpected maneuver: merge with their biggest competitor. In exchange for the merger that will save their faces, Lisa finds herself a helpless pawn as she is forced to marry the scion of the competition, who is also her bitter ex, Martin Co.

Martin Co (Richard Yap) is one of Manila’s most eligible: young, wealthy, and wildly successful. The merger and forced wedding align with everything he wanted in life, as he has long been smitten with Lisa. The short relationship they had in their youth ended in a falling out and he is yet to earn Lisa’s forgiveness, a feat he can’t seem to accomplish because Lisa’s attention is somewhere else. Unknown to Martin and Lisa's father, she is actively running shady schemes to outwit them in their game of control.

Leo Tabayoyong (Robin Padilla) enters the picture, an undercover window cleaning serviceman assigned to the Laureano building. A series of encounters bring him and Lisa close, and he shows Lisa a world so much different from her own. His simple life of freedom is a distraction which highlights Lisa’s helplessness in her impending wedding and marriage to Martin.

Mona Bulalayao (also Jodi Sta Maria) is a barrio cockfighting kristo. As she flees her past, she runs into Lisa, and with this encounter comes the biggest shock of their lives: they look exactly alike.  Immediately Lisa sees an opportunity: she can escape from her father to arrange her own merger. If she succeeds, her company will be saved, and she will not have to marry Martin. The only way she can do this is with Mona's help. After a rushed makeover, Mona takes Lisa's place in the company, in her family, and in Martin’s doomed union.

Martin, Leo and Mona - all their paths converge with Lisa as she plays the biggest con of her life in her bid for freedom and happiness, but at what cost?



The show taps into the morning demographic, the same crowd ABS-CBN won over with Be Careful With My Heart. I didn't like BCWMH (mainly because Maya is overly sweet, beyond what is humanly possible) but I am hooked with S2P. My mother serves a daily episode recap along with our breakfast. Our favorite is Mona, she is just a riot. Put her in a scene with  Sharamdara the rooster and we're all set.

How does S2P stand out from its overplayed genre? Does it freshen up our idea of duality, or will it be just another  forgettable kambalserye?

First of all, we aren’t even sure if Mona and Lisa are in fact twins.

Mona has unclear birth origins and her parents keep it a secret, with a ruby encrusted necklace being the only clue to her identity. There's a chance she is related to Lisa, whose mother died a long time ago. But at the same time, S2P opened with the premise that every person has at least seven lookalikes in the world. It might just be a big coincidence, a cosmic joke played on Mona and Lisa. Does this mean ABS-CBN is veering away from the “separated-at-birth” structure? They might be twins, or may be just lookalikes. It’s too early to say, and honestly, this uncertainty is part of the charm.

To understand that charm deeper requires a closer look into each of the characters. Mona and Lisa symbolize the full spectrum of being a female. Leo and Martin represent the traditional and modern ideas of masculinity. As we navigate their ins and outs, a puzzle reveals itself, and all pieces will begin to take shape and fall into place.

The Players

Lisa is not your typical damsel in distress: her castle is the Laureano Group of Companies; her father is the wicked captor; but her knight in shining armor is not necessary, because Lisa is not going to wait for a savior. She will take matters into her own hands with her vicious “Boss-Ma’am” business persona.

Mona is the quintessential Filipino heroine, starting from the bottom and struggling through her journey. While Lisa represents the end goal – beautiful, ultra-feminine, powerful – Mona is the exact opposite: simple, oppressed, lacking in graces. Their only common denominator is that they are both strong females with indomitable fighting spirit. Mona will transform and emulate Lisa to encapsulate the Filipina ideal: strong, beautiful and happy. Lisa has had a taste of the simple life with Leo, and this just might be the escape she is longing for.

Leo is the ultimate Pinoy machoman man, complete with swagger and savior complex. He takes responsibilities left and right. His unbreakable sense of integrity takes him places, both good and bad. But att the core of his rugged exterior, he is just the utmost gentleman.

Martin is a big man-child lost in a world of adults, babied by his parents, caring yaya and loyal bodyguard. He is just going through the motions to fulfill his functions and obligations. He wants to be taken seriously, to triumph at something. Lisa is his hardest defeat yet. With no one else to turn to, he befriends the woman he hired to care for his prized rooster. That woman is Mona, and though they only talk via text, Mona inevitably falls for him.

Compare and Contrast

S2P plays on duality in two ways: parallels and opposites.

Leo and Mona are outsiders to Lisa and Martin’s world. Their lives mirror each other in two ways: familial love and constant peril. Their only access to Lisa and Martin is though their manual labor jobs. Both were born to disadvantage, clawing their way to get to the top through honest work. When they finally meet, will they appreciate this quality in each other?

Lisa and Martin are equals. Both born into money, both well-educated and successful in their own right, both a prime catch in a society where charity fundraiser galas are a weekend thing. Do their similar backgrounds automatically warrant a match? Or will it result to one of those failed marriages we every so often read about?

Lisa represents the upper echelon of society with her immaculate image while Mona, well, she hypes up fighting cocks, plays the mascot in costume parties, and plucks underarm hairs in her spare time. Will Lisa’s journey be in the complete opposite direction as Mona’s, spiraling down to the levels of poverty and simplicity she is not used to? Maybe we are yet to see Lisa riding a jeep or eating kwek-kwek, but as of last week, we have already seen Mona, disguised as Lisa, making her grand entrance in a black evening gown and everyone stops for a gaze.

Leo and Martin's professions convey their biggest difference in terms of our ideas of masculinity. Leo does manual labor work as a guise, but in truth he is part of a covert military operation. Martin studies how to market cosmetics. Leo courts danger with his undercover job, while Martin is preoccupied with his wedding. Leo puts his life on the line every day, relying only on his fighting skills. Martin mulls over his lovelife and texts Mona, “Ganun ba talaga ang nagmamahal, nasasaktan?”

Lisa and Martin, as part of the ruling elite, only interact with “the help” as far as they are concerned. It’s only when they get a taste of the real world beneath their pedestals that they will truly live. Mona and Leo are broadening their horizons, reaching places they were never a part of before. And these crossovers are what the fans are waiting for.

In exploring each character and their plight, it’s easy enough to draw where they’re coming from, basing on their opposite and parallel personas. The real fun starts when you try to guess where they are going next.

The Performances

Watching Jodi is a masterclass in acting. Her Lisa is the epitome of class and elegance, while her Mona simply steals every scene she is in. With Robin, you get what you sign up for, and his brand of machismo completes this puzzle. Richard, if anything, showed more versatility. He is yet to shed off his Daddy image (my mother still refers to him as Sir Chief) by playing Martin's character, who is supposedly much younger than the BCWMH character he came to be most known for, but he is doing that successfully. Torn between love and embarrassment, Richard's Martin deals with Lisa with desperation and constant heartbreak. You just can't help but feel sad for him, because of all four, he is the most miserable.

The series plays out like, surprisingly, like a fast-paced movie. It's far-removed from the saccharine sweetness of BCWMH and from Jodi's slapfest with her Amor Powers stint. With ABS-CBN's current serye lineup, it's the only one you can call feel-good. It's the kind of serye that doesn't dish out all its tricks at once. It gives some and then saves some. Three months into its run and we haven't even heard the theme song yet (meanwhile, the afternoon triplet-serye plays its "Ako'y ako na di dapat mawalan ng pag-asa" theme like a broken record).

S2P's strength is how it delivers the laughs so effortlessly, so naturally. It feels so light, but at the same time, well put together. We all know the show did not write itself. And we all know, easy-watching is hard-writing. This tight little package of a story, neat and tidy with no loose ends, is the product of thinking minds. This is not something you come up with over a weekend.

At the center of it all is pure comedy gold. Jodi does physical comedy well. She is the lifeblood of this whole gig. As one grandma of an officemate put it, this is the only time she liked Jodi. This is the truest testament of good writing and good acting: to change a lola's opinion of an actress.

What I appreciate most about S2P, apart from its carefully crafted meet-cutes, is how it breaks stereotypes for both men and women. Martin runs a makeup company. Leo lives in an all-girl household. Lisa takes action to grab her chances at freedom. And Mona, in cockfighting? You can't get any more badass than that.

What's next?

Fast-paced as it is, at this point the story is yet to complete its initial course. The characters have barely met and so far, only Lisa has met all three. Alliances are still being made and rivalries are just about to manifest. The dice have been cast but we're only seeing a few faces. As more combinations are thrown, we can look forward to more changing dynamics: will Mona meet Leo and eventually relate more to him? Will Lisa have a change of heart and let Martin win her over? Each pairing is as valid and promising as the other.

But the most important question lies in the title. It implies how a person deals with oneself when faced with making an important choice between two (again, the magic number) loves. A love triangle is forming, but who are the players? So far we have Mona with Martin, and Lisa with Leo, so what’s the problem?



In popular folklore, a doppelganger, a replica of a living person, is considered a bad omen. Meeting your own means impending death. Does this lend an answer to the question? Will things take this serious turn?

Sino ang maghahangad magkaroon ng dalawang puso? Sino ang #nalilitwo?

dear glentot - part 1

My favorite weekly pastime, next to sitting at Gongcha while quietly judging people, is checking my blog's stats, especially ang Keywords Analysis, wherein (naks magamit lang) ang mga taong nagsearch sa Google, let's say for example "most inspiring and heartwarming wholesome blog" at sa blog ko naligaw, makikita ko ang keywords na "most inspiring and heartwarming wholesome blog" sa stats. Ang saya di ba? Salamat Statcounter.

Of course there's always a way to turn this productive, useful feature into raging throbbing umaatikabong full-blown kalaswaan. Yung mga boys na nagsesearch ng "lola stories" or yung all-time mabenta sa girls (and boys), "paano magfinger". Eh di nakita ko rin yung mga kahalayang inaatupag nila sa maghapon. Ipinagkanulo sila ni Google sa akin. Mga salaula sila guys.

Truth be told, sa Keyword Analysis ko nasaksihan ang mga pinakamalalagim na Google searches. I've seen some dark, dark shit. I'm not going to judge people (no to kink-shaming ako pa ba?) pero please, please, tantanan nyo ang mga lola nyo. The words "lola" and "kinantot" SHOULD NOT be in the same sentence Lord patawarin Mo po sila. Kaya naging tungkulin ko sa lipunan ang timbugin ang mga ito, so over the years naishare ko rin dito sa blog ang mga kasuklam-suklam nilang search words. Kaya nagkaroon ng Dear Glentot.

Ngunit pagkalogin ko recently sa Statcounter para magcheck ng latest kasalaulaan, eto ang bumungad sa akin, which is not a good situation:


Keywords Unavailable
SO.
FUCKING.
SAD.

FUCK ME RIGHT? Why take away something I love? Why??? Na-devastate ako I almost choked on my Gongcha.

Mabuti na lang, over the years naipon ko ang mga Statcounter screenshots ko bago ito mawala. And so now, to end this beautiful tradition I present ang huling batch ng malalaswang keywords. Today, we'll do confessions.

You ready?

Close your eyes.

Hingang malalim.

Game:


Finally. Mabuti naman. It's about time. Lahat kami meron na, ikaw na lang ang wala. Time to celebrate. So happy for you. Keep it up.

Wait. So now na may pubes ka na, anong balak mo? Asking for a friend.


Tsk tsk. Nagiging mapusok na ang mga kabataan at pinapasok na nila ang mundo ng pagsusugal. Siguro ito ay nagsimula sa paunti-unting taya ngunit nang maubos na ang pera, virginity na ang isinugal.

Grabe lang ang mga 16yo ngayon, sex na ang inaatupag. Samantalang ako when I was 16 busy lang ako sa studies, you know, academics, enriching my skills, loljk puro kalaswaan rin inatupag ko nun.


Holy shet paano yan baka naubos na? Paulit-ulit talaga? Ginawa ka nilang buffet. I feel so sorry for you :(

Pero Ate advice lang, hindi ito magandang gawain. Hindi ka eat-all-you-can, hindi ka for-sharing, at lalong hindi ka dapat ginawang pulutan sa inuman. Takot ka bang mapanis yan kaya ipinakain mo na agad? Magtira ka ng konti. Just sayin'. Think about it.


Alam nyo kayo, puro mga sakit ng katawan ang inaatupag ninyo. Hindi rin ito gawaing kapaki-pakinabang. Hindi ito magandang paraan upang mag-exfoliate ang inyong skin. Bakit nyo ito ginagawa ng Ate mo? Wala ba kayong pasok? Nagpupuyat kayo sa mga ganyang aktibidad. Mamaya naimpeksyon pa kayo niyan.

Wait. Bakit yung "pekpek" mo may space? "pek *space* pek"? Or baka yan talaga ang tamang spelling? Hindi naman ito itinuro noon sa Filipino subjects.

Aww, may lagnat siya. Bilang bayaw niya, dapat mo siyang pangalagaan at kabilang na dito ay painumin siya ng Bioflu.

Pero bakit ba siya nilagnat bigla? Baka naman nagtampisaw kayo huh.


What the... this is just... FUCK!  Qaqo!

Ikaw Sir, imbes na maging gabay ng mga mag-aaral, tangina binibiyak mo sila. Hindi ito magandang gawain. Hindi ito nakasaad sa kurikulum. Hindi ito aprubado ng DepEd.


Baka panahon na upang ikaw ay gumamit ng fungal cream. Nagiging madalas na ba ang pagkati nito? Natanong ko lang kasi baka isa itong malubhang karamdaman. Basta tandaan mo, ang sagot ay nasa maagang gamutan. Huwag mo itong ipabiyak kay Sir or kaya ay ikiskis kay Ate baka mahawa siya.


Listen. I have no problem with your fetish. But you know what I don't like? Theft.

Nakakadisappoint ka, sama ng ugali mo sa Tita mo. Bastos kang pamangkin. Ang pinaghirapan nya sa kanyang hard-earned money ay nanakawin mo lang. Kaya pala pumasok siya sa work na walang panty. Palda pa naman ang uniform tapos tatawid pa siya sa footbridge sa Shaw. Mae-expose yung pek *space* pek niya sa polusyon. Paano kung kumati yon, sasagutin mo ba ang pambili ng fungal cream? At paano kung kabagin sya? Kasalanan mo ito. Ibalik mo nga yang panty nya sa sampayan.

Oh Lord these people need Jesus in their lives.

TO BE CONTINUED.
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