lights out

We all have awful friends. If you don't have an awful friend, ikaw ang awful friend. Ako alam ko, that's ME, kaya ako naa-unfriend in real life. OK lang yan, dahil minsan, some friendships need to be terminated immediately. Which is why I don't get this horror movie, Lights Out, which, after all the shocks and scares, is basically about a girl and her awful friend who's just a bit too clingy.

Lights Out is a movie which exploits our deepest, most basic fears: fear of the dark. So that means this movie doesn't have to try hard. Kailangan lang nilang patay-patayin ang ilaw.

Sidebar: nanood ako nito sa SM North. Napansin ko, sa bandang harap, may mga La-Z-boy, kaya doon ako pumwesto. Huli na nang marealize ko na walang ibang tao doon, nandun lahat sa likod. Puta biglang scary ang paligid. Aalis na sana ako para lumipat rin sa likod kaso biglang pinatay na ang mga ilaw. Hindi na ako nakaalis sa takot. Nagsisi talaga ako.

Spoilers ahead.

Wala pang 2 seconds pagkasimula ng pelikula nag-umpisa na ang pagpatay-patay ng ilaw sa office ng isang lalaki. May misteryosong anino sa hallway na bigla-biglang nanghahabol. Alam nating mamamatay si Kuya kasi sya ang unang hinabol. Di ba kapag nagsimula ang horror movie, yung unang character mamamatay?

Aside from being dead in the next few minutes, he also happens to be one of those people who had a bad case of "lights are flickering, there's a dark spot over there, better call out, HELLO?!?". I don't know where people get this logic. Kung ako ang pinatayan ng ilaw, GOODBYE PUNTA AKO SM NORTH.

Image from mensxp.com

May scary silhouette na "lumilitaw" kapag patay ang ilaw, at kapag, yun nga, in-investigate mo pa, mawawala sya pagsindi mo ng ilaw. So instead of getting the hell out of there, the guy investigates and promptly dies a painful, yet very AH OKEY death. You brought it upon yourself, Kuya. Kung ako may makitang scary silhouette sa bahay, wala nang investigate-investigate, LILIPAT AKO SA PROBINSIYA.

Ang lalaking namatay ay may asawa't anak. Kawawa naman yung anak, si Martin. Yung Tatay nya kasi ang matino nyang parent, yun pa ang namatay. Yung Nanay nya, legit mental hospital crazy. Gusto ng Nanay nya, madilim ang buong paligid, walang maingay, walang tanong-tanong. Hindi umiinom ng medication, check. Erratic behavior, check. May ka-chikahan sa dilim, check.

Nabalitaan ko na nung shinooting ang pelikulang ito, nanghiram sila ng lighting equipment sa Conjuring 2. Kasi ganun rin kadilim.

Nawindang si Martin nung nakita nya yung scary silhouette na nanghahabol kahit hindi naman inaano. Kapag nagsusumbong naman sya sa Nanay nya, ang sabi lang nang Nanay nya ay AH OKEY. Isa lang ang matatakbuhan nya, yung Ate nya.

Image from indianexpress.com

Rebecca, played by a healthier and happier version of Kristen Stewart (Teresa Palmer), moved out of their house the earliest chance she got years ago sapagkat yun nga, nagsasalita mag-isa ang Nanay nila. Dahil sa trauma at insomnia na dinadanas ng kapatid nyang si Martin, kinonfront nya yung Nanay nya to talk some sense into her, like Inay aware ka ba na may gustong pumatay sa amin we need some assitance please look into this? Hindi very helpful yung Nanay so nagdesisyon si Rebecca to take matters into her own hands.

It didn't take long for the evil silhouette na magmanifest muli and this time, hindi na lang sya nagpapakita sa kanila, nananakit na talaga siya. Not very friendly in my opinion, for someone na nakikitira lang sa bahay ng iba.

So far ang kanyang mga kakayahan ay:

1. Ang ability na patay-patayin ang ilaw, pero hindi lahat, selected ilaw lang, yung nakakabit sa kuryente. Kapag de-battery, hindi nya kaya. Ewan basta yun ang rules nya.

2. Kaya nyang mag-lock ng doors. Pero hindi rin lahat. Yung mga napili nya lang i-lock. At eventually nabubuksan rin. Sana mas may pakinabang siya kung kaya nya rin magpatay-sindi ng faucet.

3. Bigla bigla rin syang nanghahablot or nanunulak like what's your fucking problem? How annoying.

4. And lastly, meron syang mahahabang claws. No explanation, just claws. Yung nakaka-impeksyon. Ginagamit nya ito para mag-vandal ng sahig (ini-scratch nya yung name nya, DIANA) at sugatan ang mga tao. I wish I had this ability sa office, may mga gusto akong sugatan sa gums.

Although Rebecca is the most sensible character (compared sa Nanay nya at kay Diana, yeah wala masyadong competition), meron naman siyang very bad case of "someone's attacking us, better split up" na hindi ko rin gets ang logic. Hindi ba sa horror movies, mas mamamatay ka kung mag-isa ka? Well anyway.

Around mga 30 minutes into this movie, nasolve na ang mystery dahil sa... guess what? Pakalat-kalat na telltale medical records and pictures sa desk. All Rebecca needed to do was read and say, AH OKEY, kaya pala may nagmumulto sa amin, naka-explain pala lahat dito, thanks telltale documents and pictures!

Apparently, nagkakilala ang Nanay nya at si Diana sa isang mental hospital at naging magkaibigan sila. Pareho silang patient, pero si Diana ang mas malala. Ang sakit daw nya ay hypersensitivity sa light, pero parang sensitive rin sya sa tubig, sabon at hilod.

Pinag-experimentuhan ng mga doctor si Diana and yun she promptly dies, just to get the party started. From then on dumikit na ang kaluluwa nya sa nag-iisa nyang friend at hindi na sya nakamove on. But why all this hostility Diana? Pwede naman kayong friends, pero hindi mo susugatan yung ibang friends nya is that too much to ask? Your interpersonal skills are questionable here.

So matapos ma-figure out ni Rebecca ang dahilan kung bakit sila pinapatay ni Diana, nag-resume uli ang violence. Habang nagkakahabulan, patayan ng ilaw, hablutan, kalmutan, sigawan, may nakatawag naman sa pulis. Eh di ba sa horror movies, yung first respondents na pulis, mapapatay rin ng ghost! This is how the ghost says, Take me seriously! I'll kill everyone not just this boring family!

Grabe ang violence ng ghost hindi sya mapigilan. How do you expect to live in harmony and camaraderie kung yung isang kasama nyo sa bahay eh papatayan ka ng ilaw tapos itutulak ka sa hagdan? Diana is not an ideal housemate and I'm concerned for the well-being of the other occupants in the house.

But before Diana could learn the error in her ways, nag-decide na yung Nanay na Tama na, enough na ang kakupalan mo Diana. Kung di kita ma-unfriend, magdedeactivate na ako ng account! BANG. And she promptly shoots herself in the head. Tapos ang party.

Sana kanina pa di ba? Anyway.

Tsk tsk Diana. Napundi na lang lahat ng bumbilya sa bahay kakapatay mo. Wala ka namang kwentang housemate.

Alam natin na tapos na ang movie kasi di ba sa horror movies pag patapos na, meron nang ambulance at nakaupo sa likod ng van yung mga bida (with matching blanket around the shoulders)? And so with their parents dead, susubukang mamuhay nina Martin, Rebecca at ang boyfriend ni Rebecca (ah yeah nalimutan kong banggitin may isa pa palang character pero kebs lang dahil isa lang syang AH OKEY character).

My simple rule in life is this: I don't make friends with people creepier than me. Eh yung Nanay parang walang sense of creepy and not creepy. Yung kinaibigan pa talaga eh yung mukhang naglalakad na voodoo doll. Although personally I've met these kinds of people na rin naman, like yung visually marumi and generally mabaho, and some of them eventually become good friends of mine (love you guys). Pero yung nangangalmot? Wrong. Unfriend na kapag ganyan.

My takeaways from this movie:

Try not to drive your friends to kill themselves.
Same thing I said to the Conjuring 2 family:  invest in good quality light bulbs.

Verdict:

Rating: 5 out of 5 lightbulbs, pero walang kuryente. Go figure.

Naku wag nyo nang i-torrent ito... ABA SHEMPRE NAMAN MASAMA ANG MAGTORRENT ILLEGAL KAYA YUN! *Wink*

There goes my take on Lights Out, aka Clingy Lesbian.

soundalikes

You ever notice how two very unrelated songs sound alike? I'm not referring to songs that "sample" other songs (like "Stronger" by Kanye West sampling "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" by Daft Punk) because that's the purpose of sampling. I'm referring to that moment when you hear a song and it reminds you of some other song, it's almost like you can interchange their parts and it still sounds OK.

Similar sounding songs are the reason mashups exist, which give comedians like Ate Gay a career. It takes skill to really come up with good mashups, and sometimes all it takes is coincidence and a good memory.

So I'll try to list down some songs which I notice sound a like a lot, but I'll be excluding cases like "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice and Queen's "Under Pressure" because there are existing legal complaints pertaining to plagiarism. I'll also exclude novelty songs like "Sha La La La" (Venga Boys) which sounds like "Whoops Kirri" (Fruitcake) because novelty music tend to sound alike since they follow a certain formula.

I'll also steer clear of songs that they say sound alike but I just don't hear it, like "Express Yourself" (Madonna) and "Born This Way" (Lady Gaga).

Enough disclaimers.

#1 All I Want, Runaway Train, Lost in Love

Let's start with these three easy listening songs. The similarities are subtle and I'm not sure if I'm the only one who hears it. Take a listen, and if you don't hear it, at least you spent your time listening to good chillout music, which is time well spent.







Moving on from the really subtle to kinda blatant:

#2 When Love Takes Over, Clocks





You have to be deaf, or can hear but in denial, to not acknowledge that these two songs sound alike. To point out the obvious: it's the piano. These are both great songs that I like. Maybe a mashup is in order.

#3 Shadow of the Day, With or Without You, If Life Is So Short







This is weird right? I wish you already know these songs so I won't have to explain, you'll probably just hear it for yourself if you listen to them in a row. I actually don't know how to explain it. It's like these songs can overlay on each other and still jive. I know they are on different keys and tempos but still.

Or you'll probably disagree, but before you do, here's a little experiment: Play one song, and at the chorus, switch to the either of the other two songs. And then tell me that I'm just imagining things :)

#4 Beat It, Whip It, My Sharona







Wanna work out endlessly? Play these three songs in a loop. At some point I guarantee, you'll lose track of which is which.

#5 Story of my Life, Now I Can Dance





Another weird pair. What's weirder is that these songs are like decades apart. I really like Story of my Life, but the first time I heard it, I found myself humming this really old Tina Arena song which I last heard ages ago. Funny how the brain works sometimes. Do you agree with this or am I just weird?

#6 Just The Way You Are, Doesn't Mean Anything





Test yourself: play the lesser known Alicia Keys track first and see if you hear the resemblance with the widely gasgas Bruno Mars hit. I know for sure I'm not the only one, because a Youtube mashup already exists.

#7 Where Are You, Water Runs Dry





Have you ever tried hearing a song playing faintly on the radio and you start singing along to it, only to realize it's an entirely different song? I was in a taxi the other night and heard Where Are You, and I really thought it was Boyz II Men. Nevertheless these are two great easy listening songs. There's never a bad time to listen to these. How I miss old music.

#8 E.T, Bad Blood



Sorry, no embedded track for Bad Blood, because Taylor Swift seems to be in a feud with everyone including Spotify. But If you are familiar with the songs, you might agree that Bad Blood's verses sound very very similar to the whole E.T. song, sung by another Taylor Swift enemy, Katy Perry.

#9 Without You, Wildest Dreams



While we're on Taylor Swift: you probably need to be a fan of these two ladies to catch the similarity. The only difference probably is, Taylor Swift sounds awake and self-aware, while Lana del Rey sounds bored and would rather cut herself. I like both songs. Again, no embed for Swiftie.

#10 One, Walking Away





My favorite soundalikes, mainly because separately, these are still my favorite songs, and because Craig David acknowledges the similarity, he even performed an epic mashup.

#11 It Was Always You, Crazy





Another pair of songs separated by decades. What's weird is, if you try to listen very closely and analyze, they don't really sound the same. But if you don't listen too much, they remind you of each other. Must be the general atmosphere, the same way "Pure Shores" (All Saints) reminds me of "Frozen" (Madonna).

#12 And lastly, the craziest pair yet:



God I hope you know this Sia song, just so I can ask you if the intro also reminds you of...



So, do you agree with my list, or am I just hallucinating and should really do something productive?

pamilya ordinaryo

What happens when the predator becomes prey? Kapag ang mga kriminal ang naging biktima? Kapag ang magnanakaw ang ninakawan? Pinanood ko ang Pamilya Ordinaryo at ang mga tanong kong ito ay nasagot. This Cinemalaya entry shows us a story already unfolding before our eyes outside the cinema, but we're too busy with Pokemon Go and sharing Duterte articles on Facebook like the keyboard warriors that we are. Wow ang bigat agad!

WARNING: Super spoilers, halos nakwento ko na ang buong movie. Read only if you have already seen the movie.

So shall we start?


Sa direksyon ni Eduardo Roy Jr at pinagbibidahan nina Hasmine Kilip at Ronwaldo Martin, ang pelikula ay sumasalamin sa [insert matinding kahirapan here].

Right off the bat, let's put it out there: the chemistry between Hasmine Kilip and Ronwaldo Martin is just undeniable. Kuhang-kuha nila yung awayan ng mga magjowa sa kalye. Hindi lang sila mukhang magjowa, mukha silang magjowa nang matagal-tagal na. Parang nagworkshop nang matindi itong mga ito. Here watch this:


How lovely. Tell us how you really feel, Bebe Ghurl.

Since we have established that these two actors are believable, let's also touch on other important parts of the movie that movie critics and wannabes all seem to focus on: cinematography and lighting.



See how the straight lines converge on Jane's head? That means good cinematography. You notice that you can see their facial expressions? That means good lighting.

OK now we can really focus on the fun parts.

Si Jane (yang may hawak na baby) at Aries (yang may hawak na rugby) ay isang "mag-asawa" na nakatira sa kalye, shoplifting from stores, sniffing some rugby, and snatching phones from pedestrians, you know, just for fun. Modern day Bonnie and Clyde ganyan. By some twist of fate, as in hindi ko mawari because something illogical like this never happens in real life, the unthinkable happened: nagka-baby sila, si Baby Arjan.

Late ako ng mga 15 minutes sa movie. The worst thing about being late to a movie is, dahil sa gitna ka na nagsimula manood, you don't get eased into the environment. Kumbaga, wala kang starting point where you can relate, no chance for it to establish itself to you, salang kaagad. Ngunit buti na lang, ang naabutan kong eksena ay isang eksena that best describes us Filipinos at relate na relate ang lahat:


Selfie!

For me, this movie is an exercise in profiling. Hindi ko sinasabing predictable at one-dimensional ang mga characters. It's good to have your predictions validated once in a while. Yung mga characters, what you see is what you get. Yung mga naka-unipormeng estudyante, mga desente ang bihis, sila ang mga biktima. Yung mga marumi, pakalat-kalat sa kalye, may masamang balak. It's important to recognize these people right away as the movie starts, because the tables are about to get turned like a motherfucker. Here's how...

Dahil meron na silang baby, kailangan nilang kumilos pareho para hindi magutom ang bata. Aba, mahal ang rugby. Hindi ito napipitas lang sa kung saan-saan. Kanya-kanya sila ng raket. Magnanakaw si Soulja Boie ng cellphone, ibebenta naman ni Bhebhe GuRL PrinXeZa. Mga galawang "Sige na, panggatas lang". We all know where this is going for Baby Arjan: he's basically doomed. From breastfeeding, straight to rugby malamang itong si Baby.

Maya-maya pa, lumitaw sa eksena ang isang baklang may lipstick sa ngipin, si Ertha. Isang tingin ko pa lang kay Ertha at sa kilos nya, alam ko nang hindi siya mapagkakatiwalaan. Hindi dahil bakla sya o dahil may lipstick siya sa ngipin, kundi dahil masyado siyang mabait. Isang malaking warning sign sa akin ang pagiging mabait. There's something wicked going on! Ganun ako eh kapag mabait ako sa iyo, ibig sabihin sisirain ko ang buhay mo later. So watch your back sa piling ng mga taong mababait.

Nag-offer si Ertha na pautangin si Jane, para mabilhan ng Pampers™ si Baby Arjan. Aayawan ba nya ito, eh kailangang-kailangan ni Baby Arjan ang Pampers™. Pero alam naman nyang wala siyang pambayad kay Ertha, kaya nag-offer na lang si Ertha na ipaggrocery si Jane para maibili ng Pampers™ si Baby Arjan.

Lifehack: If it's too good to be true, it probably is.

Si Ertha yung taong pipilitin kang magkaroon ng utang na loob sa kanya, gagawan ka ng pabor na hindi mo naman hiningi, at dahil nahiya ka nang tumanggi, susunod ka sa pakiusap niya. At dahil pinakitaan ka nya ng maganda, hindi ka magdadalawang-isip na magtiwala sa kanya. Nakakahiya naman pagdudahan diba? Pinakitaan ka ng mabuti tapos pagdududahan mo!

BABALA, maraming Ertha sa iyong paligid.

On the scale below, kilatisin mo ang mga kakilala mong mandurugas and how to act accordingly:

Mandurugas = Be alert.
Baklang mandurugas = Beware
Baklang mandurugas na may lipstick sa ngipin = Pakaiwasan!

Ito ang part ng movie na talagang kinabahan ako like WTF. Habang nakapila si Jane para bayaran ang Pampers at buhat-buhat ni Ertha si Baby Arjan, sandaling nagpaalam si Ertha para magwithdraw ng pera sa ATM sa labas. Nahiya naman tumanggi si Sweet Gurl XoXo. So ano pa nga ba:


You had one job Jane! Patay ka kay Pretty Boie. Meron siyang bad temper Jane. Nananampal siya ng tsinelas Jane!


What follows, after abutan ng maximum outrage si Jane, is a desperate search for Baby Arjan, and we all know it's futile.
May nakita ba kayong baklang may hawak na baby?
May nakita po kayong baklang may dalang sanggol?
Nay may nakita po ba kayong baklang naka-red?
Kuya may nakita po ba kayong baklang may hawak na bata, nakapula?
Guys, maybe narrow your search down. I'm sure maraming baklang naka-red. Be creative a little bit:
May nakita po ba kayong baklang kahawig ni Darla Sauler?
In this scene we see stereotypes reinforced:
Tulungan nyo po kami, nakidnap po ang anak namin sa loob ng grocery.
Susmaryosep! Guard, tulungan nyo naman sila.
Wala ho kaming magagwa diyan.
Anong wala? Dito sa grocery nyo nawala. Responsibilidad nyo yun. Asikasuhin nyo naman ito hindi porke ganyan ang itsura nila.
It always comes down to itsura tama? This is why it's important to take a bath everyday. I don't necessarily agree with it but it's the rule and we have to follow.

Bilang occassional shoplifters, kaaway nina Rugbhie Boi at Lil Malditah ang CCTV, ngunit ngayon na sila na ang biktima, they found themselves looking at a CCTV footage for clues that could help them. Sa CCTV rin pala sila tatakbo para mahanap ang anak nila. *turning tables - rubbing it on your face*
Uwi na tayo Jane!
Ayokong umuwi, andito lang sila.
Pagod na ako Jane, bukas na ulit Jane!
Ayoko Aries! Hindi ako uuwi na hindi kasama si Baby Arjan!
Tanga tanga ka kasi! Tangina ka Jane! Kasalanan mo to Jane!
Putangina mo! Sinisisi mo pa ako!
Kung di ka nagtiwala sa baklang yun, kasama sana natin sa baby! Tangina mo Jane!
Eto na ang eksenang pure irony: yung magjowang magnanakaw, humingi ng tulong sa pulis. Haha so funny.


Buti na lang, matulungin yung pulis.
Oh hija, tignan mo dito kung nasa pictures yung nagnakaw ng baby mo.
Ahkei.
Kelan ka unang nakantot?
Huh?
Sumagot ka, ako tumutulong sa iyo. Kelan ka unang nakantot?
14 po.
Sino unang kumantot sa iyo?
Hmm..
Huy sagot!
Yung kinakasama po ng nanay ko.
This conversation is so fucking disgusting, it reminds me of my own conversations whenever I make new friends. Ganyan ang ice-breaker ko eh. Saan ka nag-graduate? Saan probinsya mo? Kelan ka unang nakantot? Eh anong course mo? Ganyan. Break the ice.

Listen up Jane: If you ever get the chance na matanong uli,  "Sino unang kumantot sa iyo?" ang tamang sagot ay:
"Tadhana po. Tadhana po ang unang kumantot sa akin. At patuloy ako nitong kinakantot. At patuloy akong kakantutin ng tadhana, kakangkangin ng kapalaran, at iga-gangbang ng kamalasan."
Ganyan dapat Jane.

Patuloy ang pagkalap ng impormasyon ng matulunging pulis. Ramdam ko na nais nya talagang matulungan si Jane, na isang street girl, at mabalik sa kanya si Baby Arjan, para magkasama na silang muli sa streets.
Pinapadede mo yung anak mo?
Opo.
Patingin nga!
Ayoko po!
Paano natin makikita yung baby mo kung hindi ka makikipagtulungan!
*Crying* Ganito po. Isasasaksak ko po yung utong ko sa bunganga nya tapos ihehele ko po siya!
Matuto ka kasing makipagcooperate Jane! Ilabas mo ang dede mo at ipakita sa pulis at tiyak mahahanap nila si Baby Arjan! Mag-isip ka, tangina ka Jane!

This cop is fucking thirsty. Not sure what weird fetish this cop has. Ang takeaway ko dito is, Don't you worry kung hindi conventional ang ganda mo, o hindi pa uso ang itsura mo. Somewhere, someone with a weird fetish wants to fuck you bad, so cheer up! It gets better.

Kung wala akong tiwala kay Ertha, mas lalo akong walang tiwala sa Nanay nya. Ganung-ganun rin ang modus nya: maging mabait. Mag-aalok ng tulong at samantalahin ang pangangailangan ng iba. Tutulungan nya silang mabawi ang anak nila na nasa probinsya na, pero kailangan nya ng pamasahe at pagkain worth 10K. OK ka lang? Tingin mo my 10K na nakasuksok sa nakatuping karton sa likod ng pader itong dalawang ito?

Another red flag: emotional blackmail lines, gaya ng "Teka, pinagdududahan nyo ba ako? Ako na nga ang tutulong sa inyo, ako pa ang masama? Sige wag na lang!"
Saan natin kukunin ang pera Jane?
Nakawan mo lahat ng makikita mo sa daan!
*Saktong may dumaan, natakot, nagmadaling itinago ang phone at umalis*
Tangina mo!
So now the quest for 10K begins. Naalala ko tuloy ang pelikulang Ma' Rosa. Hindi lamang dahil kailangan rin nilang maghanap ng pera, kundi dahil kailangan nilang humingi ng tulong kay Maria Isabel Lopez. Ano kaya no, kung nasa isang universe lang sila? Si Maria Isabel Lopez sa Ma' Rosa at si Maria Isabel Lopez sa Pamilya Ordinaryo ay iisa? Eh di pamangkin ni Ma' Rosa si Jane!
Nasaan ang asawa mo Jane?
Dumidiskarte!
Eh di sana noon pa Jane! Tamod lang naman puhunan ng asawa mo Jane!
Bwiset! Putangina mo! Wala kang kwentang ina!
Syempre hindi kumpleto ang istorya kung walang chupaan portion. Nung may baklang sumutsot kay Lil Boi Gangzta mula sa loob  ng isang sasakyan, pramis, in-expect ko talaga si Allan Paule. Kung hindi si Maria Isabel Lopez ang link between Pamilya Ordinaryo and Ma' Rosa, ang connection nila ay ang chupaan portion featuring Allan Paule, ang saya diba? This is a missed opportunity tsk tsk. Sayang, mala-Marvel or DC sana yung ganitong crossover.

Binigay nila sa Nanay ni Ertha ang mga proceeds ng pagnanakaw and syempre, tinakbuhan lang sila nito. I was like, Hala, sayang naman yung perang pinaghirapan nilang... nakawin? Ay OK ninakaw nga lang pala nila. Toinkz. At this point I started to question my own morals.

Nakakapagod naman maghanap kay Baby Arjan! Manawagan sa radio, ma-interview sa TV. So para mag-destress, sexy time!


Kung ang ibang couples ay nag-tatalk dirty habang nagsesex, masasaksihan natin ang literal na dirty sex nang mag-make love sa sidewalk sina Bhosx Zupladito at Bebe KoH IcKaw Lh4ng Zh4pat Nhu4.
Tangina ang sarap mong kantutin Jane! Palitan na natin si Baby Arjan Jane!
Tangina mo wala kang kwenta!
*sabay hugot* No I really mean, literal na may hinugot sabay walkout si Jane. This is reminscent of another sex scene by Ronwaldo Martin, sa pelikukang Tuos. Ginanap naman ito sa damuhan, but the main difference is, sa Tuos, umaga na nang hinugot.

Bakit ba atat na atat si Jane mabawi si Baby Arjan? Yeah I get it, anak nila yun. Pero baka nga totoo ang sinasabi ng lahat ng tao kina Jane: baka mas maayos ang buhay ngayon ni Baby Arjan. Nakakakain, nakakatulog, may suot na Pampers™. I'm starting to doubt your logic here Jane.

On a scale of 1-3, gaano kahirap ang mga tao na nakakasalamuha natin sa daan?

Mahirap = Laman ng kalye
Mas mahirap = Madumi, madungis, nagsesex sa sidewalk
Hirap na hirap = Nagpapadede ng rugby

(Serious mode) Here's a heartbreaking scene: may isang Nanay na pinapagrugby yung sanggol para hindi ito magutom. Ganoon siguro talaga kapag magulang ka na, ibibigay mo ang lahat para sa baby mo. Sisinghutin mo na lang, ipapasinghot mo pa sa kanya, wag lang siyang magutom.

Nakatanggap sina Bhoi Breezy and  Lil Girl ZHutil  ng isang text message na nagtuturo kung nasaan ang anak nila. Pinuntahan nila ito para mabawi. Nasa loob ito ng isang gated subdivision at syempre ayaw silang papasukin because they look 3rd world. So they resort to desperate means... it's up to you to find out.

Before I end this review, isang baliktanaw..


My opinion on Jane:
  1. She can be difficult to work with.
  2. She recognizes authority figures (like the police) but can be disrespectful towards her peers (rugby buddies)
  3. She expresses herself in a very straightforward manner, which can be unbecoming of a lady.
  4. Has a habit of walking out, even during sex.

My opinion on Aries:
  1. He needs to show more effort with his endeavors.
  2. He always gives up easily on his tasks.
  3. He has a lot of areas for improvement, especially in communicating with Jane.
  4. Gives a happy go lucky attitude which can be detrimental to his success as a father.
Some advice for you, Aries and Jane...

Therapy.
If it works for first world couples, it should work for you too. Don't let the loss of Baby Arjan be a reason for your relationship to deteriorate. Find a psychiatrist and talk about your problems, not just the glaring problems like na-kidnap si Baby Arjan, but also the little stuff like for example, he slaps your face with this tsinelas when he gets irritated. Basic etiquette, when ignored, can be quite vexing.

Why do you need a fucking baby?
Look at your parents, then look at you. You can't afford rugby for yourselves, now you have three noses to feed.

Take a bath, especially you Jane. Hindi mo kailangan ng may taga-wash ng vagina. At least wash your boobs!

Start a hobby. For BhoLero Boie, probably sports, toy collection, or start a travel blog. For BheiBie Ghirlie, how about arts and crafts? Just use glue instead of rugby.

Lastly, to (mis)quote Paris Hildon, "Stop being poor already!" Just stop it, you guys!

And finally, my advice for Ertha: Find a new gig, because everyone is still looking for that baklang naka-red na may hawak na bata...

Si Aris, parang isang batang biglang lumaki ang katawan pero bata pa rin ang nasa loob. Medyo mas simple ang karakter nya kumpara kay Jane. Si Jane, parang clueless sa hirap na dadanasin nya at ng baby nya. Si Jane, parang biglang bumabait kapag ang kaharap ay mga authority figures, pati ang pananalita nya ay nagbabago.

Para sa akin, ang strength ng pelikula ay ang script. At maraming linyang nakakatuwa.

Bakit kasi kahit hindi mo kilala eh ibibigay mo yung bata? Hindi porke bakla, mabuting tao.
-- Guard

Kaya kayo ni Aries, habang may panahon pa, magpakaloko na kayo habang bata pa kayo.
-- Some family friend na nakakulong

Ang lungkot naman ng buhay nyo!
-- Rugby kid



Ito ang pelikulang ginawan ko ng paraan para mapanood. Yung unang mall na napuntahan ko, ubos ang seats. Nagmakaawa pa ako dun sa ticket lady na kahit standing na lang, I'm sure naman merong mga di sisipot sa mga bumili ng tickets kasi mabagyo noong araw na yun. But no, sabi ni Ate, "Sorry Sir," sabay tingin sa malayo, para bang sinasabing Umalis ka na.

Tumakbo ako agad sa kabilang mall, na 15 minutes away, kaya late ako. Buti naman at meron pang seats... sa second row. Tangina nakatingala akong manood. Ang lapit ko masyado sa screen, para akong matatalsikan ng laway kapag nagmumurahan sila. Tiniis ko na lang ang pagtingala.

Nang matapos ang pelikula, medyo masakit na ang ulo ko, siguro nahilo ako sa shaky camera scenes dahil nga ang lapit ko sa screen. Open ended ang pelikula, kaya hindi agad napansin ng mga tao na tapos na pala. Ako ang unang tumayo sa upuan, at dahil nasa harapan ako, pakiramdam ko, all eyes on me, lalo pa't wala pang ibang kumikilos, ako lang.

WTF. Hindi ko mahanap ang exit. Putangina. Bumaba ako sa hagdan, pero FIRE EXIT ang nandun. Nilabas ko yung phone ko para kunwari nagtetext, pero ang totoo, hinahanap ko ang totoong exit, at ramdam ko na nakatingin pa rin silang lahat sa akin. Ayaw nilang magsikilos! Dahan-dahan ako naglalakad hanggang sa makita ko, nandun pala sa taas ang exit shet! Ang bilis kong nawala.



Congratulations sa mga bumubuo ng Pamilya Ordinaryo, hindi ako nagkamali sa pagpumilit kong mapanood ito. Best Film, Best Director at Best Actress, among other awards.

Salamat!

Photos screengrabbed from the trailer and taken from IMDb.
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