beauty and the beast

Beauty and the Beast is a live-action remake of the 1991 animated classic, featuring a beautiful girl Belle (played by Emma Watson) who breaks a lifelong curse by falling in love with the Beast (played by Meryl Streep). For a movie that banked on nostalgia and generally good feelings, Beauty and the Beast did fairly well. It’s hard to succeed with a story familiar to everyone because there’s no room for shocking twists and puzzling mysteries. Everybody knows how it goes, we all recognize the iconic characters (even that talking teapot), and everybody knows the song. Beauty and the Beast is probably the only Celine Dion song everyone knows. For sure it’s the only Peabo Bryson song I know. Still, the movie was a success. OK now I’m done with the “review” part. It’s time to roast this bitch!!!1111



♬ Tale as old as time...

... and as worn out as clichés. OR ~WHAT IF~ this story is so original that it gave birth to what we now refer to as cliché? Let’s see.

First and foremost, the arrogant Prince holds a massive party at the castle where he meets a hooded old woman begging for shelter. We should all know by now that if you cross a bitch wearing a hood, disaster will follow. And so, the non-partygoer and basic-looking woman reveals herself to be some fairy and proceeded to fuck. shit. up. Not only does she curse the Prince into a hideous beast, she turns the palace dwellers into talking, self-aware, and sexually repressed furniture. The castle closes down and everyone forgets about the whole scandal. The curse will only be lifted by the only thing that can lift curses in all fairy tales: true love what else.

Across town is where Belle lives. She is beautiful, smart, kind and of course, virginal. “There must be more than this provincial life” she sings. Of course there’s more, because you’re pretty! Beauty opens doors. No one ugly allowed.

And there’s Gaston, the local fuccboi, with his loyal fluffer LeFou. Yes this movie is about a dysfunctional romantic relationship, but not between Beauty and the Beast, but Gaston and LeFou.

Belle’s loving father does what loving fathers do in ALL fairy tales. Your choices are A) Get sick B) Die C) Get hostaged. In this case it’s C. He wanders into the Beast’s castle and picks a rose, which angers the Beast. For someone with a ginormous castle, royal blood and uber-wealthy status, he gets bitchy when people steal from his garden. Typical old money. So he imprisons Belle’s father and she has to save him! Belle follows to the castle and encounters the Beast, a monster! OMG Of course she hates him at first, because he is really really annoying.

“A life sentence for a single rose?”
“Girl don’t talk to me about life sentences” referring to his face.
“Sry.”

She takes her father’s place as the Beast’s prisoner. We’re using the term ‘prisoner’ very loosely here. In our world, you HAVE TO PAY to be able to live in a castle. I’ll have to take a government loan, work until my dying day, sell my soul to the devil or sell my kidneys on eBay, whichever transaction is faster. So yes, Belle is a “prisoner” in a castle where she lives rent-free, surrounded by thousands of books and ABSOLUTELY ZERO people (I like that). She doesn’t even have to cook because the castle dwellers got her covered.

“You can talk???” Belle asks the candelabra. Well, not only that, they can put on a solid production number.

♬ Be our prisoner guest, be our prisoner guest.

Sausage Party ruined this musical number for me. Imagine these household objects making out with each other. Or worse, what if the Beast has actually used them for his own pleasure? All that time alone with not much to do leads to a lot of experimentation. Proof: the Beast is very close to the candelabra. You don’t want to find out where those three candles have been...

And that teapot too. As the age-old saying goes, “Everything’s a dildo if you’re brave enough.”

Belle’s father asks Gaston for help, but he is too busy with himself. In a town where everyone wants you or wants to be you, you will always be busy. His “bestfriend” Le Fou sings him a tribute:

♬ No one fights like Gaston
No one hits like Gaston
No one spits like Gaston
No one shoots, like Gaston,
All over my face please Gaston--

As expected, Belle LOVES it in the castle. At first she tries to escape and had every chance to but no. The Beast is actually gentle. And kind. She learns more about him, how intelligent he is (they’ve read the same books, how cool is that!) and he ~TOTALLY~ gets her. And he proobably still has lots of money somewhere.

♬ Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you are rich--

As for the Beast, he is actually starting to have some warm feelings in his black heart. If he falls in love and she loves him back, the curse is lifted. Good thing she’s super pretty and he’s filthy rich so it’s a match. Tale as old as time right?

This is the part where they start to fall in love, which is funny because, come to think of it, they’re barely even friends then somebody bends unexpectedly. Of course the house furniture are all rooting for this new love team. Somewhere in the castle, the toilet seat, the one who wants to be returned to human form most badly, is very hopeful.

♬ Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As bestiality

Now it is revealed that not only can Belle live rent-free with servants at her beck and call and with a lover Beast that she can mostly tolerate better than Gaston, there’s actually a means for them to teleport. And not only that, there’s also a CCTV mirror where you can watch ANYONE in the world... at all times... no matter what they are doing... Fuck the castle and the library, I want this mirror. This is like Google Earth but sexier more useful.

Belle looks at the mirror and sees her father about to get fucked up by the township. Ugh, she needs to save him, again! She just put on this crazy yellow gown and now she has to get him out of trouble. How inconvenient.

“Guys don’t kill my father please I’m serious.”
“You’re crazy.”
“No there’s really a beast, here look in the mirror!”
“OK then let’s kill that beast!”

“Bitch this is not why I gave you the mirror!” Understandably the Beast loses his shit when Gaston shows up wanting to kill him. A battle between the townsfolk and the castle objects ensues. The Beast gets into beast-mode and Gaston shoots him but also he falls from the rooftop and is killed instead. No one gets killed like Gaston.

Meanwhile LeFou finds another man, now all they need is that candelabra and they’re all set.

Beast dies. But the fairy shows up and reverses the curse and then I don’t know, she leaves again to fuck up someone else’s life? The beast changes back into his human form. At this point your heart is filled with such joy that when they start dancing at the ball you just have to sing along.

♬ Tale as old as time
Tune as old as
Stockholm syndrome

This movie game me feelings. It showed a world where Belle, a human, learned to coexist with Beast, a mutant. Mutant, and proud!

SCENE AFTER CREDITS: Belle and the Prince are dancing and she whispers,

“Please please please tell me you kept your beast dick--” THE END

Photo credit: http://movies.disney.co.uk/beauty-and-the-beast-2017

taxi story: pokpok

Isang gabi sumakay ako ng taxi. Medyo kakaiba itong experience ko na ito and medyo buwis buhay so listen up you're gonna shit. Umpisa pa lang ng byahe nakapansin na ako ng kakaiba kay Kuya, pero kadalasan naman ang mga kakaibang bagay, hindi na natin iniisip much. Pagtapos ng lahat ng kaganapan, kapag nireview mo na ang buong kwento, saka mo lang maiisip na Oo nga no? It all adds up.

Pagpara ko sa taxi at pag-upo:

"Kuya. Trinoma po."

"Saan yun?"

Hala si Kuya. Inisip ko na lang na baka hindi talaga siya masyadong nagagawi sa Quezon City kaya hindi nya alam kung nasaan ang Trinoma.

"Diretso lang po."

Kasalukuyang tumutugtog sa radyo ang awiting I'm Yours ni Jason Mraz na parang hindi naman nagustuhan ni Kuya (Sorry Mister A-Z) kaya nagsalang siya ng CD. Oo CD, uso pa rin yun ngayon. At ang tugtugang gusto ni Kuya ay...

Bakit ang sabi mo, binata ka?
Walang sabit at malaya pa?

Well anyway, who am I to judge ang mga ganitong music choices, ako na nagpapatugtog ng mga morally questionable songs tulad ng My Pussy Belongs To Daddy. Pero hindi pa naman ako humantong sa pagpapa-burn ng CD ng Bakit Ang Sabi Mo Binata Ka?

Alam nyo yung tinatawag na ice breaker? Opening statements para mawala ang awkwardness, to "break the ice" ganyan.

"Ang kukulit nung naisakay kong pokpok kanina" ang ice breaker ni Kuya. Hindi ko napigil ang tawa ko. Siguro kung nakapustiso ako, nahulog na. Nag-elaborate naman si Kuya.

"Sabi nila, sa *** (business name ng isang night club) lang sila, eh wala namang ganun sa Mindanao Ave, sa Quirino Highway meron nun!

Isip-isip ko, tado ka, kabisado mo ang beerhouse, hindi mo alam kung nasaan ang Trinoma! Pero tumatawa pa rin ako sa ice breaker nya, lalo pa at itinuloy nya ang kwento.

"Sabi ko nga, Ang gaganda nyo, papalapa lang kayo sa mga lasing doon? Oo Sir ang gaganda nung dalawa, ang babata pa siguro dise-siete lang."

Tahimik lang ako.

"Sinagot ba naman ako ng Magsalsal ka na lang para wala kang problema!"

Puta yung tawa ko wagas.

"Tanginang mga pokpok. Tangina talaga yang mga pokpok na yan. May pumara sa akin minsan, akala ko pasahero. Pagkaupo, ang sabi agad, Alam mo, hiwalay na ako sa asawa. Pwede mo gawin lahat ng gusto mo.

"Ano po ang sinagot nyo?"

"Baba!"

Kunwari nagkakamot ako ng tenga at pasimpleng tinignan ang itsura ni Kuya. Mukha syang komedyante. Patuloy pa rin si Kuya sa pagkwento nya sa mga naisakay nyang pokpok. Naisip ko, pokpok kaya talaga sila? O assumption nya lang? Minsan kasi mahirap masabi eh.

Aaminin ko (alam ko marami magagalit sa akin) minsan, napag-iisipan kong professional sex officer ang isang girl na nakakasabay ko sa jeep kapag 1) Luwa ang cleavage hanggang pusod 2) iba ang kulay ng mukha sa leeg 3) Iba ang kulay ng leeg sa dibdib 4) bumaba sa Makati Ave. Sorry na. I promise hindi ko na uulitin ang ganitong sexist na thinking.

But come to think of it, ano naman ang masama kung mapagkamalang pokpok? As far as I know isa itong marangal na hanapbuhay. But anyway, natigil saglit sa pagkwento si Kuya.

"Diretso ba tayo? Diyan yung Trinoma?"

"Opo, pagtawid nyo ng North Avenue Trinoma na yun."

"Panggabi ka?"

"Opo."

"Ano trabaho mo?"

Sasagot pa lang sana ako nang biglang hinulaan ni Kuya ang trabaho ko.

"Security guard?"

Puta laglag ang imaginary pustiso ko sa sahig. #Polident

Hindi naman ako physically fit para maging gwardiya. Pero madalas nga ako mapagkamalan for someone na hindi naman ako. Like nung minsang ang aga-aga ko sa Starbucks para magkape, kabubukas pa lang ng store. Paglapit ko sa cashier, sabi sa akin, "Applicant?"

Or yung one time nasa Penshoppe ako tapos may nag-aabot sa akin ng Tshirt at nagpapahanap ng medium. Madalas rin akong biktima ng assumptions.

Sasakyan ko sana yung hula ni Kuya just to see kung mapapaniwala ko sya na guard nga ako, kasi nakakaflatter naman, ngunit biglang--

"AY PUTANGINA KA TARANTADO KA GAGU KA!" sigaw ni Kuya sa isa pang taxi na biglang kumaliwa sa harap namin at muntik na talagang mabangga.

Pinulot ko ang nagkalat na imaginary pustiso ko sa sahig sa lakas ng preno ni Kuya.

"Malas talaga itong byahe ko ngayong araw na ito. Yan muntikan na mabangga. Pangalawa na yan. May nabundol na akong single kanina."

OK...

"Nahuli na nga ako dalawang beses kanina."

"Bakit ho?"

"Ewan ko, sobrang init, nawawala na ako sa katinuan."

Buti na lang Trinoma na. Binigay ko na yung bayad ko at hindi na hiningi ang sukli.

"Magingat po kayo Kuya."

Aabangan ko siya sa news.

videoke girl

Minsan nakakatuwa ang mag-videoke. Minsan nakaka-offend. Ako nga naooffend sa sarili kong boses. Parang galing sa hukay ang singing voice ko. Hindi ito para sa ikaeenjoy ng madla. Hangga't maaari, pinaka-iiwas-iwasan ko talaga ang mapasabak sa videoke kasi ito talaga ang nagdudulot ng kahihiyan sa akin.

Madalas diba katuwaan lang ang videoke, pero paano kung, tulad ng boses ko, negatibo na ang epekto nito sa paligid? Maraming bagay ang dapat isaalang-alang. Let me tell you a story.

Meron akong paboritong carinderia dati, na tawagin nating Carinderia 1. Masarap kumain doon, edible naman ang mga food at mabait yung waitress, friends pa nga kami sa Facebook. Ngunit isang araw, nag-install sila ng videoke machine. Sabi ko NOPE BYE THAT'S IT I QUIT Simula noon, hindi ko na sya favorite. Nakakasira kasi ng dining experience, you know what I mean? So lumipat ako sa katabing carinderia, ang Carinderia 2.

Dahil nagkaroon ng videoke, naging instant inuman place na ang Carinderia 1. Syempre hindi maiiwasan na mag-ingay sila habang nagkakasiyahan. Yung ingay nila, umaabot hanggang sa Carinderia 2, kaya dinig na dinig ko ang mga kaganapan. May mga kumakanta doon minsan, magagaling. Naalala ko yung kumanta dati ng Take Me Out Of The Dark na kaboses ni Jose Manalo.

Isang gabi, pagdating ko sa Carinderia 2, narinig kong may isang grupong nagvivideoke na naman sa Carinderia 1, mga naka-uniform ng *insert name of sikat na hardware store here*. OK lang naman, baka yun ang paraan nila upang mag-unwind matapos ang isang araw ng pagtatrabaho, at saka wala pa namang alas diyes ng gabi. Hindi pa naman sila nakakabulabog... so far.

Sadyang nakakalungkot lang ang mga sumunod na kaganapan.

Habang kumakain, narinig kong nagkakantyawan ang mga party peeps sa kabila. Tinutukso nila na kumanta ang isang kasama nilang babae, na itatago natin sa pangalang... Ate. Si Ate, ayaw kumanta noong una, ngunit napilitan. Ikaw ba naman ang tuksuhin much. Bumigay na siya, keysa naman matawag na killjoy. Ang napili nyang awitin ay ang awit ni Jireh Lim na pinamagatang "Buko" na isang awiting sadyang pa-sweet lang. Ito ang "Torete" at "Sway" sa videoke ng makabagong henerasyon.

Kakaiba ang version ni Ate ng Buko, nakakauhaw.  Napukaw ang atensyon ko kaya sa lalong madaling panahon ay ni-record ko sa phone ko yung performance nya.

Enjoy:



Nabitin ba kayo? Me neither. LOL joke lang Ate.

Muntik na akong pumunta sa Carinderia 1 para kausapin si Ate at bigyan ng payo. Hindi nakakabuti sa kanya ang pag-inom. Tingin ko, kung walang impluwensya ng alcohol, may talent siya eh. Pwede pa isalba eh. Sana huwag syang malulong sa bisyong ito. Mamili na lang siya. Iinom o kakanta? Isang bisyo lang dapat.

Yung mga kasama nya, natahimik. Hindi ata sila handa. Hindi nila inexpect na ganyan ang kalalabasan.

Iba talaga ang peer pressure no? This time, nagbackfire, dahil mukhang nag-enjoy si Ate. Hindi ko mawari kung lasing na sya, sabi ng mga kasama nya, "Kampai!" I guess, para hindi na siya kumanta. LOL joke lang Ate.

Ngunit sadyang hindi pa kuntento si Ate. Nanlaban siya eh. Naipindot nya yung next song nya na talagang magshoshowcase ng kanyang boses. Bumirit siya ng isang classic na awitin ni Sarah Geronimo. Walang nakapigil sa kanya.
 

Sarah Geronimo naririnig mo ba ito? You better take some notes, coz your Forever's Not Enough is not enough. Kabahan ka na.

Iba ang version ni Ate, remix siguro yan. Nakakauplift. Ganyan ang mga gusto kong naririnig kumanta. Hindi sya boring eh. Sakto na yang cover version ni Ate. Mag-eenjoy akong pakinggan.

Yang ganyang singing voice, mapapanaginipan mo. Sa una kung papakinggan mo parang Lani Misalucha eh. Kuhang-kuha nya yung technique ni Lani Misalucha, yung mahina tapos biglang lumalakas? Laning-Lani, tapos haluan mo ng LA Lopez na papunta na sa Bjork? Basta, unique ito.

Habang pinakikinggan ang recording ko mas lalo kong naappreciate. Ini-ignore ko lang yung part na parang nabilaukan siya sa beer. Nakapagdesisyon na ako, ito ang gagawin kong alarm clock tone. Tiyak mapapabangon ako agad-agad at hindi na malelate sa trabaho.

Katuwaan lang ang lahat OK? Hindi ko intensyon to offend(1) her, or baka may ma-offend(2) na namang mga easily offended(3) readers jan na araw-araw naghahanap ng bagong ikakaoffend(4).

Tsaka wala ako sa posisyon para laitin siya gayong batid ko naman na it's a tie lang kami. Buti nga siya yung boses nya, boses tao.

THE END

May napansin ba kayo sa lyrics ni Ate? "And I, forever's not enough". Hindi ba "if" yun? Hindi nya nakita ung 'f'? O talagang I yun? Mali si Sarah Geronimo? Ang dami kong tanong, ayoko ng ganito. Ayoko na NOPE BYE THAT'S IT I QUIT 
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