movie review: devil

Seriously, I have lost all faith in horror movies, after watching Drag Me To Hell (twice). And then I saw the trailer for M Night Shyamalan's latest movie.

I have lost faith in M Night Shyamalan too, a long time ago, after watching Lady in the Water. But Devil looked promising so I went to watch it.

Read on, don't worry, there are no spoilers.

One morning, five random people got on an elevator, and got stuck around the 20th floor. One of these people was an impostor, the Devil. The Devil (not wearing Prada) chose this specific elevator to be on, to pit each person against the other, wreak havoc and bring deaths, and take the soul of the sinner.

The sense of being stuck, trapped into a small space. ✓
A whodunit mystery. ✓
Satan himself. ✓

I don't care about what critics say but Devil is my kind of horror film. For me, it didn't rely too much on gore (the Saw Franchise), it didn't turn to CGI for the scary effects, and it didn't make use of shaky cameras (found footage) which seem to be the trend today (The Last Exorcism). There wasn't that much visuals. No stupid ghosts of children in white, with black hair, crawling on the floor. No vampires and zombies. And no one gets possessed, thank you very much.

It has the right amount of intrigue, it kept me thinking along with the characters the whole time. I was on edge. It may have been boring/predictable/pointless to some but I liked it, even the ending felt complete for me.

Yes nag-umEnglish parang may sanib lang ng Devil. Byebye mwahchupa. Sensya na puro movie reviews. Wala kasi akong personal na buhay.

movie review: phobia 2

Phobia 2 is a Thai movie presented in 5 parts, parang Shake Rattle & Roll pero limang stories, at lima rin ang direktor: sina Paween Purijitpanya, Visute Poolvoralaks, Songyos Sugmakanan, Parkpoom Wongpoom at Banjong Pisanthanakun. Panalo ang mga pangalan!

Matagal na itong movie na ito pero mapapansin nyo, ngayon pa lang sya pinapabalabas sa SM. Ewan ko, hindi na ako nagtanong kung bakit.

Napanood ko ang Shutter at The Eye, na parehong Thai films, at OK naman sila. Kaya pinanood ko itong Phobia 2 na ito...

...at ikwekwento ko na lang para huwag nyo nang panoorin.

Part I - Novice

A kid, with his partner in crime, lurks dark roads, throws rocks at car drivers, then steals from them. He throws a rock at a particular stranger's car, the driver is injured and the car crashes. He inspects the car, only to find that the driver is his own father. To escape the law, his mother enlists him as a Buddhist novice in a secluded forest, where he can't be found and arrested. There, he disobeys the monks and encounters a forest creature, the representation of his punishment. In the end, while trying to escape, he becomes the creature.

Simple lang yung storya pero nakakatakot yung itsura nung engkanto (30 feet yata ang taas), parang folklore ang dating. At least hindi OA yung mga ghosts hindi kagaya sa mga local films, like Ouija (I hate this movie so much). And at least the kid who played Pey can genuinely act scared.

Part II - Ward

A guy gets in an accident and is confined overnight at a hospital. There are no single rooms available, so he has to share a room with a terminally ill patient. This old guy, comatose and surviving on a respirator, is just waiting for his family to pull the plug. While spending the night, the guy is being haunted by the patient, and hallucinated being attacked, with the sick man womiting into his mouth (Drag Me To Hell???). Afterwards he wakes up in the morning, but a changed man. The spirit of the ill patient now dwells in his body.

Nakakasuya na ang dream sequences at hallucinations. At yung storya eh parang pareho sa The Skeleton Key. Suya na rin ako sa idea ng sanib-sanib, matapos mapanood ang Ouija, na sunod-sunod sinaniban sila Judy Ann, Iza at Jolina ng iisang ghost. Whatever.

Part III - Backpackers

Zombies, sigh. Two backpackers hitchhike to Bangkok on a huge container truck with a creepy driver and assistant. Along the way, the contents of the container make noise, and the driver heads to a remote vacant lot. He and his assistant happen to be amphetamine transporters, and the container is full of corpses of people who swallowed little plastic bags of the the powder for transport. They start dumping the bodies, the two backpackers attempt to escape, and in the process, the corpses get up one by one and attack them OK you know the drill.

OK it did not remind me of Ouija, which is good, but it reminded me of the Maguindanao massacre (RIP).

Part IV - Salvage

A woman who owns a car dealership rebuilds cars damaged from road accidents and resells them, pretending they were barely used and lying to customers. One night as she is about to close shop, her little son goes missing in the garage and when she looks for him, she encounters the ghosts of the people who died in the cars. Then she finds her own son, stuffed between the car's parts, under the hood.

Bitch looks like Sharon Cuneta. The whole story looks something straight out of Shake Rattle & Roll, I hated it. Still, mas bwisit pa rin ang Ouija.

Part V - In The End

A film crew is at their ending scene, and the girl to play the ghost gets really sick, so one of the crew takes her to the hospital. The doctor then pronounces her dead, but the rest of the film crew have no idea, as the girl reappears on the set, ready to shoot again. The whole crew suddenly disappears, except for a few, who realize that the girl playing the ghost is a real ghost, and to give her peace they offer to finish shooting the film. When they finish and try to escape the girl follows them and asks them to bring her back to the hospital - apparently she did not die, she just escaped from the hospital to finish the film, the doctors got confused, there was a mixup of patients, and as they realize this all the crew, including the "ghost", get hit by a car.

It tried to be funny and it had its moments. Ridiculous on purpose. Unlike Ouija, a silly excuse for a horror film. Sorry Topel Lee but I will not watch any of your films again.

Medyo natuwa naman ako sa Phobia 2 kasi dapat open-minded ka habang pinanonood ito at wag masyadong choosy, relax lang. At kahit anong movie ang panoorin mo matapos manood ng Ouija ay magmumukhang maganda.

Bakit ba ako galit na galit sa Ouija? Papunta kasi akong Megamall kahapon at itong shit na ito ang palabas sa bus. Sa bagal ng biyahe, natapos ko ang movie. Now I am scarred for life.

Being stuck in traffic with nothing else to see but Ouija. Now that's horror.

i heart facebook

Nakakatuwa pala ang Facebook (ngayon ko lang naappreciate nang bahagya). Kasi hindi lang sya para sa mga taong sawa na sa buhay at nagpopost na lang ng status. At hindi lang sya para sa mga nang-iistalk ng kanya-kanyang ex. At hindi rin sa mga nagbubusiness at itatag ka sa kanilang album ng "Autumn Dresses" or "Genuine Perfume from India".

Mas naappreciate ko yung fact na pwede kong makita kung ano nang mga itsura ng mga kaklase ko noong noong elementary, a time when virgin pa lahat (except Khikhi) and balahibong-pusa pa ang mga pubic hair (except Khikhi).

One goal: gusto ko lang ma-confirm kung sira na ba ang buhay nila, etc.

Sa kakasearch ko sa mga pinaglumaan kong friends ay bumalandra sa screen ko ang pagmumukha ng mga dati kong kaklase. Mga memorable sila kasi mga bwisit ang pagmumukha nila, tinatanggap pala sa computer ang mukha nila kapag inupload? Akala ko pag-upload nila ng pics, bubukas agad ang Norton Antivirus.

Type-type ng name, click-click ng Search, TUGSH! Profile nung dati naming kaklase na bakling. Noong Grade 5, napaiyak nya yung kaklase naming lalaki. Baligtad diba? Ang issue: pinagbintangan ng bakling na umutot yung lalaki. Sa sobrang intense ng sitwasyon, umabot na sa teacher ang issue. Ngayon, kung pagbabasehan ang Facebook nilang dalawa, yung lalaki nasa UK na, yung bakling naman wala pa ring parlor. Sawi ang bakling.

Na-search ko rin yung kaklase naming babaeng magnanakaw. Nung una hindi ko mapaniwalaan na magagawa nyang nakawin ang pinagbentahan namin ng camote queue (or camote cue? whatever) sa Technology and Home Economics namin noong Grade 5. Ang tigas ng mukha nya! Pinag-abuna tuloy kami lahat sa group. Kaya nung nakita ko ang profile nya, tinignan ko kaagad ang pics. Matigas pa rin ang mukha, check. Next.

Syempre nakita ko yung classmate kong may ginawang misteryo sa likod ng puno ng bayabas noong Grade 3. Gusto ko nga itanong kung naaalala nya pa ba yung nangyaring yun, o nag-pretend na lang sya na hindi yun nangyari. Tinignan ko nga ang pics nya eh, pero hindi ko talaga kayang magpretend na hindi nangyari yung misteryong yun. Traumatic!

What the fuuuuuck! Nakita ko yung kaklase naming suplado. Yung level nya is tipong naglalaro kami ng football tapos nahuhubad yung shorts nya tapos kapag pinagtawanan namin sya nagagalit sya. Ayun according to Facebook, sundalo na sya ngayon.

Nakita ko rin yung kaklase naming madalas masilipan ng panty. Hindi dahil nalingat sya or anything, sadya lang talagang malantud sya at ang kalandian nya ay umaabot sa point na nakabukaka syang umupo para kita ng lahat ang cameltoe. Ayun, yung profile pic nya ngayon, naka-bra lang sya. Major major hindot. Galit ako sa kanya kasi noong Grade 5 nauto nya akong kumain ng chalk.

Masarap rin magtingin-tingin ng mga kaklaseng na-virus. You know, yung virus na papasok sa katawan tapos magmumutate sa advanced stage yung virus tapos lalabas sya sa pekpek. In other words, mga kaklaseng nakulam at lumaki ang tiyan dahil natusok ng malaking karayom.. sperminated. Mukhang masasaya naman sila dahil ang cucute ng mga ginawa nilang virus.

Tinangka ko pang tignan ang pics ng iba pa naming kaklase noon hindi ko na kinaya, nakakastress. Mukha pa rin silang cast ng Apocalypto. Pati teachers namin hinanap ko. Lalo na yung pumalo sa akin. Tinatype ko na ang name nya nang marealize kong kinuha na sya ni Lord many years ago due to breast cancer (buti nga sayo bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! eto ka! socket!)

What the fuuuuuck hindi ko makita yung mga kaklase kong "special", halimbawa yung kaklase naming pinagkakalat nyang hindi raw sya mahal ng nanay nya, kaya pinagtitinginan namin nang masama yung nanay nya noong PTA meeting. Parang wala ring Facebook yung kaklase naming masarap panoorin kapag naglalaro sya ng chinese garter (lumilipad, tumatambling, tumutuwad talaga sya sa ngalan ng chinese garter) so in-assume ko na lang na nasa mabuti na syang kalagayan ngayon (na-virus na rin). At syempre sobrang hinanap ko yung kaklase kong nagkunwari noon na na-dengue, tapos natuluyan.

Hindi ko na sya makita sa Facebook, baka nga kinuha na sya ng dengue. Therefore that leads me to conclude...

Ang lahat ng mga kakilala ko noon na hindi ko na makita sa Facebook ngayon, it means patay na sila. That's final!

mission accomplished

Noon naiirita ako sa nagkalat na Bob Ong quotes kasi minsan overacting na (hindi si Bob Ong) yung mga nagsesend ng quotes at ginagamit pa si Bob Ong para mag-emo. Hanggang sa mabasa ko kailan lang ang libro nyang Stainless Longganisa at makita ko ang quote na ito:

Dalawa ang habol ng tao sa pagbabasa: matuto at malibang. Dapat masapul mo isa man lang d'yan.
Pakiramdam ko eh kaharap ko lang si Bob Ong at sa akin nya mismo sinasabi yan habang dinuduro-duro ako sa noo. Nakonsensya naman ako kasi naawa ako sa inyong mga nagbabasa ng WickedMouth. Wala kayong nakukuhang pakinabang sa blog ko.

Pero ayos lang...

Hindi man kayo "natuto"...



Hindi man kayo "nalibang"...



Masasabi ko namang kayo ay...





"lubos na nalibugan..."



OK Kids it's time for my Annual Laitin-Mo-Picture-Ko Celebration! You may just want to masturbate to my picture but I'm giving you this rare chance na laitin nang laitin ito all you want. Bring it! Laitin nyo hanggang sa magtae kayo.

Naiimagine ko na ang mga ilalagay nyong caption...

"Adik."

"Tanginang mukha yan."

"Dito mo iputok..."


Mga baboy!!!!!!!!

Pero sige lang laitin nyo lang kung yun ang makakakapagpasaya sa araw nyo! Kapakanan at kaligayahan nyo lang naman ang goal ko sa buhay.

Tutal sira naman na ang buhay ko eh!

"Sinira na ng pagibig at kasinungalingan..."

(Negative Comments Blocker = ACTIVATE!)

Sa mga nagtataka, nagkatuwaan lang po kami sa office during our Newsletter pictorial. Hindi po ako nagsusuot ng wig and pearls on a daily basis. Joke lang po ang lahat, pero yung part na "sira-sira na ang buhay ko", hindi sya joke.

Bye Kids Mwahchupa!

bangungot #2

Bangungot with a capital B. I'm not talking about my life as a whole, kundi binangungot talaga ako kanina.

Kapag stressed kasi ako sa buhay ko at sa trabaho, ang dami kong iniisip bago matulog, kaya stressed din ang utak ko habang natutulog ako. Sa sobrang stressed nya, kung ano-ano ang napapanaginipan ko at mapapagising na lang ako to the tune of "PUTANGINA!"

Bangungot #1: Naisip ko raw mag-picture taking using my Canon nang bigla na lang ayaw nyang mag-Autofocus. Yun pala, may napindot akong mali at yun, sira na sya. Minsan ko na nga lang gamitin, masisira ko pa. Sinubukan ko itong ayusin sa pamamagitan ng pagkalas-kalas ng lens, at lalo itong nasira.

Ang naisip ko raw na solusyon ay bumili ng bagong cam sa pamamagitan ng pagkaskas ng credit card at magpakalayo-layo habangbuhay... Buti na lang nagising ako bago pa ako maging kriminal. I was like "Putangina buti na lang panaginip lang" sabay bangon at nagpicture-picture.

Bangungot #2: Nagmomonologue daw ako habang naglalalakad, isinalaysay ang mga paghihirap ko sa paglakad-lakad ng requirements sa office nang bigla kong maisipang sumakay sa tricycle. Sa kalagitnaan ng byahe, sabi ng mamang driver:

"35 pesos ang singil ko sayo ha?"

"Ah hindi po 25 pesos lang, bakit kagabi nung sumakay ako 25 pesos lang naman."

Opo, hanggang sa panaginip ko, ipakikipaglaban ko ng patayan ang sampung piso. Bigla ko na lang namalayan na nasa madilim na parte na kami ng gubat, at biglang huminto ang tricycle.

Ang una kong naisip ay... "Uh-oh."

Bigla kong nakita ang mamang drayber, may hawak na panyo at tinakip nya ito sa mukha ko at bigla akong hinimatay...

...at the same time nagising rin ako. Hirap na akong makatulog, as in hindi ko na nabawi ang tulog ko. Pumasok ako sa office, nagtrabaho magdamag, at ang sakit sakit ng ulo ko ngayon putangina mabuhay!

movie review: resident evil: afterlife

Hey Kids! I missed you! Did you miss me! Why not!

Sobrang tagal kong hindi nakapag-update. Busy kasi itong week na ito. Lumipat ako ng bahay, nagkasakit ako, nagkaroon ng problems sa office (thank you Pam!), in short nagulo ang buhay ko in 7 days.

Sobrang stressed ako, wala na akong enerhiya para manira ng buhay ng iba.

Wala na akong kapangyarihan.

Oh right, movie review. This movie is about Milla Jovovich. Kinalaban ang mga CGI zombies para makaalis sa abandoned building at makapunta sa barko. End.

I need a fucking break. Or a rope.

room for rent

Nabanggit ko na dati na malapit na magtapos ang kontrata ko sa impyerno kong apartment, at dahil nagdesisyon na si Tita Sasha Fierce na kagustuhan nyang mag-stay na sya sa Baguio for good, mag-isa na lang akong dito sa Manila. Yep, no more Sasha Fierce jokes for now.

Mahirap kumita ng pera bilang isang mananayaw kaya para makatipid, imbes na apartment, room for rent lang hinanap ko, dahil magisa lang naman ako, wala akong balak magluto at maglaba.

Nagtry akong magsearch online. Humantong ako sa ganitong sitwasyon: clicking me. Wrong move.

So imbes na online, ginawang hobby ko na these past few days ang maglakad-lakad sa Barangay Olympia para magsight-seeing. Umagang-umaga, mamamataan akong pakalat-kalat at naghuhunting ng mga signs na "Room For Rent." Uuwi lang ako kapag masakit na ang paa ko, or kung masyadong maraming kahayupan na ang nasaksihan ko.

And believe me, sa dami ng sinipat kong Room for Rent, maraming kahayupan akong nasaksihan.

Ang gusto ko lang naman ay: disenteng room, concrete, may sariling toilet, walang kashare, tahimik, maaliwalas, mahangin, spacious, walang mga epal na kapitbahay, malinis, at hindi bahain (baka magka-sequel ang Ondoy this September).

Hindi ko na sinali sa criteria ang "mabait at law abiding ang landlord" dahil sanay naman ako sa kriminal na landlord clicking me.

Akala ko napakadali lang maghanap ng room sa isang city na punong-puno ng mga taong naghahanap ng room for rent. Basa na ako ng pawis kakalakad, pati kaluluwa ko pinagpapawisan, wala pa akong nakikitang nagustuhan ko.

"Room for Rent" sign sa harap ng karinderya. Nagtanong ako kay Manong at nakiusap na makita ang room. Sa mismong karinderya ang entrance. Uh-oh.

Pagpasok sa loob, TUGSH! Shared ang kusina at banyo. Maraming tao sa loob, karamihan topless kahit 7AM pa lang, pawisan na. Ang mga pagmumukha... hindi naman sa laitero ako pero ang mga housemates mukhang cellmates. Ang titigas ng pagmumukha, hindi papahuli nang buhay. Parang any moment ay pwede kang pagnakawan, may ganun silang tendency.

At ng kwarto TUGSH! Parang kariton na tinubuan ng dingding. Ganun kaliit. Ang kapal ng mukha nilang ipa-rent.

"Baka naman po mainit dito?" Sarcastic kong tanong kahit alam ko na ang sagot.

"Ay hindi, presko dito sa room na itohhh?" sabi ni Manong habang nalulusaw ang mukha nya sa pawis.

"Room for Rent" sign sa may malaking orange na gate. Yung tipong orange na sobrang tingkad, makikita mo ito sa Google Earth.

"Pwede po bang makita?"

"Sige ha pero gigisingin ko muna yung boarders... wala kasi akong sariling susi."

Ang putanginang landlady walang susi sa sarili nyang paupahan. Pagpasok namin sa loob ng building, naligaw pa kami.

"Matagal na kasi akong hindi nakapasok dito," sabi ni Ate. At mukhang totoo nga, kasi hindi nya na namumukhaan ang mga boarders nya.

"Sino ka?" tanong nya dun sa isang boarder.

At nakita ko rin ang room. Ang laki. Kasya ang pitong katao. Kung nakatayo silang matutulog.

"Studio Type Available" sabi sa labas ng isang store. Maganda yung bahay sa labas, kaya malamang maganda rin ang studio.

Kaylaking pagkakamali.

Kung nagkatawang tao lang ang konsepto ng kapal ng mukha, si Ate na yun. Ang tinatawag nyang "Studio Type", sa halagang P6,500, ay isang napaka-spacious... na bodega. May sariling toilet... na wasak ang isang pader. Na tuwing uupo ka para mag-drop-it-like-it's-hot, ay kailangan mong magtakip ng mukha, dahil makikita ka ng mga tao sa labas.

"Aayusin pa naman yang pader..."

Ate kahit wag nyo nang ayusin. Sunugin ko pa itong studio type mo eh.

"Room For Rent" sa isang napakagandang building. This is it! Ang bait ni Kuyang landlord, napakabata ko raw para magtrabaho. Bwahihi.

Pagtingin ko ng kwarto TUGSH! May apat na double deck, isa na lang ang bakante, lahat okupado. At langhap na langhap sa hangin ang unmistakable scent ng paa.

"Kuya meron pa po bang iba?"

"Meron pang isang room, isa lang ang tao dun, dalawa lang kayo sa room... pero..."

"Pero?"

"Tignan mo na lang..."

Pagbukas ng room, TUGSH! Ang roommate: bading na cross-dresser... Hindi naman sa diniscriminate ko sya as bading, maliit lang talaga yung room, tipong magkapatong kaming matutulog.

"Room For Rent", sabi sa isang tindahan. Katok ako sa gate, ang bait ng landlady, matanda at magiliw kausap.

"Magkano po ang room?"

"Five thousand, all in, malaki at sarili mo ang banyo. Malalaki ang bintana kaya hindi mainit."

"Pwede po makita?"

"Eto oh, kaso hindi pa sya tapos."

TUGSH! Hindi pa talaga tapos, as in hinahalo pa lang ang semento. Puta ka Ate paasa ka!

"Sa katapusan matatapos na yan, saan mo gusto ilagay ang pinto?"

"Room for Rent" sa isang 4-storey building, all white. Tama lang ang laki ng room para sa akin. Malaki ang bintana, tahimik dahil walang dumadaang mga sasakyan, at malalayo ang kapitbahay. Semi-furnished. Affordable. Ang landlady: bitchessa.

Ang toilet... TUGSH! may bidet.

Looks like I'm home.

movie review: the last exorcism

Nung last Sunday ang mga showing sa sinehan ay: The Last Exorcism, Sa'Yo Lamang, Mamarazzi, In Your Eyes. Puro horror!

Welcome back to Wickedmouth's Movie Reviews, na aminin na natin, hindi naman helpful.

This movie is a mockumentary (found footage kunwari) tungkol sa isang pastor na gustong ibuking ang "exorcism" as a scam.

May nanghingi ng tulong nya sa isang liblib na farm, sinaniban ng demonyo si Ate! Nagperform ang pastor ng fake exorcism, to prove na nasa utak lang ni Ate demonyo.

Only to find na wala pala talagang sanib si Ate, likas lang syang malandi at nabuntis sya ng... guess who... Kuya nya!

And then may twist uli sa dulo! May demonyo pala talaga sa katawan ni Ate! Hindi ko na maikwento kasi nakatulog ako banda dun.

Actually hindi ko gaano naenjoy ang movie na ito, compared sa ibang mga mockumantaries like Paranormal Activity at Quarantine. Normal na ang shaky camera, pero sa movie na ito hahantong ka sa sukdulang maghahanap ka ng Bonamine.

OK lang naman ang story, hindi masyadong predictable (lalo kung nakatulog ka na). May tamang twists, at hindi nagbuhos sa special effects. Thrilling pa rin at mae-excite ka pa rin ng very very mild.

Isa lang naman ang paraan para malaman kung maganda ang isang movie: i-kompara mo ito sa isang sukatang movie. At ang sukatan kong movie ay...

Drag Me To Hell.

Kung ang pinapanood mong movie ay mas pangit pa sa Drag Me To Hell, it means ang pangit pangit na talaga ng movie na yan.

Kthnxmwah. Go back to your semi-normal lives.

ang panties ni claudine

Linggo ng hapon nang nag-text si Claudine, magkita raw sana kami kung hindi ako busy. Dahil mga ilang linggo na rin kaming magka-textmate, na-excite akong makipagkita sa kanya. Dali-dali akong nagbihis at pumunta sa Melvin Jones, dun daw nya gusto magkita eh, kasi malapit lang yun sa bahay nila.

Nauna akong dumating sa Melvin Jones, pero hindi nagtagal ay dumating na rin si Claudine. Maganda sya, maliit lang, maputi at makinis, medyo balahibong-pusa. Mapungay ang mata at maganda ngumiti, pero higit sa lahat, mabait sya. Masarap syang kausap, dahil laid back ang dating, walang kaarte-arte sa katawan.

Naglakad-lakad kami sandali habang nagpapalitan ng kwento. Nahuhulog na ata ang loob ko kay Claudine? Hindi naman siguro. Textmate lang sya, kaibigan lang...

Medyo may taglay rin palang dark side itong si Claudine. Nung niyaya ko syang mag-snacks, ang kinuha ko Chocolait, ang kinuha nya San Mig Light. Nahiya naman ako kaya kumuha na lang ako ng Red Horse, kahit madali akong maihi kapag beer ang iniinom ko. Binalot namin sa tissue ang tin can at nagpatuloy kami sa paglalakad habang umiinom.

Mas lumalalim ang kwentuhan namin, mga pangarap sa buhay, etc etc. Ilang hakbang pa lang nakaramdam na ako ng weewee. Walang malapit na CR, at ayoko namang umihi sa kalsada.

Medyo dumidilim na nang nagpasyang umuwi na si Claudine, pero biglang nagbago ang isip nya.

"Gusto mong sumama muna sa bahay?"

Ang totoo, gusto ko syang ihatid para masiguradong safe ang uwi nya. Naging OK naman kami at gusto ko pa syang makasama at makainuman uli, kung may next time pa.

At makiki-ihi na rin ako. Malapit lang naman ang bahay nila, mas malapit sa dormitoryo na inuuwian ko.

Naglakad lang kami pauwi sa kanila. Tuloy pa rin kami sa pagkwekwentuhan hanggang sa makarating sa gate nila.

"Pasok ka muna," sabi ni Claudine, "ipapakilala kita sa pamilya ko."

Pumasok naman ako at nakilala ko ang mga kamag-anak nya. Nakakahiya, first time kong maipakilala sa pamilya ng kung sino man, at "textmate" pa ang pakilala sa akin. Pakiramdam ko eh gigisahin nila ako ng mga tanong, pero nagkamali ako, napakabait rin nila at welcome na welcome ako sa kanila. Naghahanda na sila ng hapunan at niyayaya akong doon na kumain.

Habang naghahanda sila, hindi ko na talaga mapigil ang weewee, kaya nagpaalam ako na gagamit ng banyo.

"Sige, pasok ka sa pintong yan, kaya lang madilim ha, nashort-circuit kasi yung ilaw," sabi ng pinsan ni Claudine.

And this is the exciting part, you're gonna shit...

Pagpasok ko sa banyo, madilim, pundido nga ang ilaw, wala akong makita, kaya kakapa-kapa ako hanggang sa matisod ko ang toilet bowl. Unti-unti, naaaninag ko na ang puting hugis ng inidoro, kaya umihi na ako....

Wooosh, wooosh.... success.

Kinapa ko ang flush sabay pindot. Hindi nagflush, de-buhos pala ang toilet bowl. Unti-unti nang naka-adjust ang mata ko sa dilim, naaninag ko ang gripo, at sa ilalim nito, isang timbang puno ng tubig...

Binuhat ko ang timba, tinapat sa inidoro, at binuhos ang laman nitong tubig...

Saka ko lang napansin...





May laman pala ang timba...





Mga nakababad na underwear!

Huli na ang lahat, nabuhos na ang mga underwear sa inidoro, pero hindi naflush, nakalutang lang sila. Hindi ko pwedeng iwan yun nang ganun na lang, nakakahiya kina Claudine!

Kaya dahan-dahan akong lumuhod...

At dinampot isa-isa...

Bawat panty...

Bawat brief...

Bawat bra...

At bawat panyo...

...na kanina lang eh nakababad sa Downy...

...at ngayon ay mapanghi na.





Parang gusto kong himatayin sa kahihiyan paglabas ko ng banyo. Pakiramdam ko, putlang-putla ako, kaya nagpaaalam na kong uuwi na. Wala silang kaalam-alam sa karumal-dumal na krimen.

"Sure ka uuwi ka na? Ayaw mag-dinner dito?"

"Ah hindi na lang kasi baka hinahanap na rin ako sa amin." Kasinungalingan, sinong maghahanap sa akin sa dorm?

"O sige, ingat ka ha? Text-text pag-uwi mo! Dinner ka dito next time!"

Sure, at next time ipaglalaba ko kayo.





-- excerpt from My Life is a Shit and Other Inspirational Stories

exquisite

“Don't look back,” she said, “or you’ll think there’s so much left behind that will slow you down on your way.” Her words still ring a cold, dry note in my head, and, years after, I still hear them in quiet, helpless abandon, like an old song, taking me back to an era of sadness, back to distant times, back to that night.

We met again that night, after dark, but unlike the other nights that passed between us, this night was different, thicker than the mist, slower than time, heavier than gloom itself. It was the last night.

“I promise I won’t. Promise you won’t look back either,” I answered her.

She chuckled a little, a sound that struck echoes through the fog and the pine trees around us. She then grinned at me, her grin outlined by the golden light of the lamppost underneath which we stood. “Let’s skip all this, please? Let’s just walk away like two normal adults.”

I grinned too. “We’re far from normal, you said so, remember?" We were more immoral than normal. We don’t do normal things. Normal people don’t have sins like ours.

“So what’s your point?”

“We can’t just walk away from each other like normal people.”

“So you want me to throw a tantrum here?” she said nonchalantly. She playfully kicked stones lying on the ground, sending them off one by one into the fog. She watched each one disappear, then kicked the next one. “Don’t make it harder than it should be. I mean, it just sounds hard, harsh even, but it’s the reality we have right now. I met someone new, so good luck to me. You happen to be leaving, so good luck to you too. Life happens.” She turned to me with a blazing look, like I had no right to contradict what she just said.

“Is that it?”

“That’s all there is to it. And hasn’t it always been your little dream, to travel the world, go places, live a full life?”

“I dreamt it with you.”

“Well, I change my dreams like I change my mind. Like how I’m changing my mind about now, like how this “goodbye night” for closure is not turning out well after all. Please, just grow up.”

But I was too na├»ve to leave it at that. Didn’t I ask her to meet me that night so we can have an understanding, such that if fate ever brought us together, there is something to bind us? Shouldn’t we be making promises right about now?

“We had so much between us.”

“And they used to have meaning, before. But not any longer. Not in our reality now. You think you’re in love with me? I thought so too, I maybe thought the same thing about you. But I grew out of it. Shouldn’t you, too?”

It’s fascinating how a few months, a few years have changed us. This is not how we were before. We used to love the night, because it brought us together. We used to hate the dawn, because it tore us apart. We used to meet after dark, to talk, to think, to breathe together, to inhale and exhale into each other. We used to write our names on church pews. We used to ride the bus and laugh at people to pass the time. We shared so much between us, more than just our bodies, but everything else beyond the physical. We didn’t have a name for what we had, we didn’t tag ourselves with labels like ‘lovers’ or ‘couple’ or whatever else, but we had something and she and I knew it. Now, just a few years after, we come to this, a complacent goodbye, where everything we had has no bearing at all.

“Why do you find it so easy, to say goodbye? Because of him? Does he compare to me?”

“I don’t want to answer that.” By now she was kicking the dust, drawing odd shapes with her foot, occupying herself with trivial things so as to avoid having to look at me.

“Do you love him?”

“Maybe.”

At this she averted her eyes and looked far. I took time to take in all of her, in my mind. Her long black hair, her eyes, her pink lips, her pale skin. She was just so cruel, so cold yet so beautiful. The golden light of the lamppost distorted all her colors, leaving a sepia tint in my memory, and this old church where we agreed to meet that night served as a grim backdrop, an omen of all the loneliness up ahead, and a symbol of all we’re leaving behind. An empty street, a deserted church, this will certainly play in my memory for years to come, like how she agreed to meet me one last time, like how she arrived at this isolated street before I did, like how she showed no trace of sadness, like how I asked if she loved him, like how she said “Maybe.” These are the things I will remember. Again and again, I choked, on my own tears I have tried, so far, to successfully smother. She loves him, maybe.

Then she looked back to me and said, “I never once said I loved you, did I?”

A quick spasm of pain, in my chest, it’s been brewing for years and it now overflows, but it remained in my chest, showed no trace on my face. Our physical union did not constitute love. Intertwining flesh was still just flesh, and the primal need we used to have, which used to burn us, was, in the end, still just a need.

“No. I guess it never came up.” I tried to smile, a genuine smile that showed no bitterness on my face. She smiled too. She smiled that genuine smile at me, like her first smile at me when we first met.

A long pause. She pursed her pink lips, then stared at a particular stone, her gaze unbroken, cool and careless, like she was unaware that I was watching her every move, every expression.

A swift kick in the ground, a stone flying across the pavement.

Her hands dangling shyly on her sides, then sliding inside her jacket pockets.

She then looked into my eyes.

“Well, I’m saying it now.”

I understood. The things she tells me, the things she says, these things don’t need words. For years, I knew her, I knew how she needed me as much I needed her. I knew I meant something to her, something she doesn’t need to explain, something she doesn’t need to say to me.

“You don’t have to,” I answered quietly, resisting the urge to say “I love you too,” because it will just be words, shallow and ethereal, just sounds that die as soon as I utter them in a cloud of fog, as quick as my last exhale. She once told me that the things we feel but don’t have words for, these things are the building blocks of love. In the form of memory it outlasts time and space, endures goodbyes. And words can cut you, but it’s the unsaid, unseen things that leave scars.

“If you really want to know then yes, you meant a lot to me,” she continued. “That was our time together and it was fun. Now, that time has passed, and so should we.” This time, I was the one looking aronud for little stones to kick into the darkness surrounding us.

“I never imagined there’d be goodbyes between us,” I finally said, while thinking the same thing, turning it over in my mind.

There was an almost interminable pause, a shameful stillness that only illustrated the truth in what I just said. After a few minutes of just looking away, she spoke, in a softer voice.

“To be honest, me too. Just hellos, and goodnights and see yous.”

“And I’ll miss yous.”

“Yeah. I guess I’ll miss you too. But it’s good that we’re doing this now. I mean, there’s much between us that will get damaged in you leaving, or me with someone else, but it’s not too late, it’s just in time. If we held on to this much longer, if we kept doing this, we’ll just be waiting for another chance to say goodbye. We were never meant for things beyond goodbyes,” she said with conviction, with a voice echoing a repressed truth.

“You’re right. Yes, I guess you’re right with that. There’s no other way of putting it.” I tried to sound as strong as I can, as if these things aren’t happening in real tangible time but in some other timeline, more otherwordly, and not as normal as this. I tried to match her conviction, but it sounded like I was just trying to convince myself.

“Am I being too hurtful?”

“Yes. But I don’t have any hard feelings for you, if that’s what you really want to tell me,” I said. “You can say what you want, I know you’re just driving me away.”

“You know as much as I do, I don’t need to drive you away.”

In vain I searched my mind for a reply, but the coldness in her voice told me there wasn’t anything I can say to change that fact. I still had to go and leave her. It was happening, it was unavoidable. The best thing I can do is just make it light for my own sake.

“So you like this new guy?”

“Yeah I guess, I mean, we messed around a bit.” My heart crushed but I smiled.

“Like we used to?”

“Yes. And more.”

Inside my head I kept repeating that these are just things she says to push me away, but her own voice answers I don’t need to drive you away. She was probably telling the truth, just stating facts.

She continued, “He’s just, so much to explain. He makes me laugh a lot. He draws me in his dorky little notebooks. He’s obsessed with me. He calls me every night, won’t hang up unless I hanged up first. He surprises me at home. He takes me home with him. He’s asked me to live with him. I think I will, I don’t know yet. He knows my parents. He…”

I just lost track of all that he is. These are things that I have been. These are things that I could have been. Couldn’t I have called her every night if I knew she was not busy? Couldn’t I have visited her at home if I knew she wouldn’t get annoyed? Why can he do all this? Who is he? How could his few weeks of existence mean more to her than my three years? Am I so insignificant?

“Nice to know he’s so into you,” I lied through my teeth. I found a particularly annoying little rock behind me and kicked it with all my might, the impact sending the rock towards some unknown path in the dark. Nice.

“Yeah. I’m thinking it’s for real this time. I’m tired of playing around. If you weren’t leaving you would have met him.”

“Like fuck I would have.” I looked at her with all the silent rage that I could muster, but she was just staring at my shoes, the ground around it, glistening in the mist and the light under the lamp. She knew I was fuming but felt it was better not to acknowledge it.

“So. Will you write? When you’re away?”

“For sure.”

“Don’t. You know how I hate reading.” She then laughed the fakest laugh I ever heard. “What time do you leave again?”

I pretended to check my watch. “Two hours ago. I can just catch the next bus in like, twenty minutes.”

“Hmm. I think I need to go now. Goodbye then.” Then she turned away to leave.

“No—hey! Not yet.”

She paused. Looked around us, as if in search of some words more searing than pain itself.

“Does this weigh heavy on you?” She asked, annoyance in her voice.

“You have no idea how much,” I breathed into the mist, my exhale condensing into a puff under the lamp’s light.

“That’s because you keep thinking that this is the last goodbye. You keep dwelling on how after this, there are no more hellos. You’re missing me before the goodbye. Stop thinking about such things, make it easier for yourself. Do what I do. Never look back, or you’ll think there’s so much left behind that will slow you down on your way. Just go. Let’s go.”

“I’m, not leaving you.”

“At some point, yes you will.”

“You won’t leave me.”

“At some point, I already have.” At this, she turned her back, took a few steps into the fog. I watched her leave, and then she stopped and turned to me, to say her last words.

“Never look back,” she said. Something in her voice told me that these three words are the last she will ever say to me in this lifetime.

I knew I just had to succumb to the inevitable. To the goodbye I knew was coming no matter how I prolong the wait. One last look then. One last image of her. One last chance to take it all in, one final memory to take with me. She nodded her head as I turned my back, careful not to show the pain in my face. Sharp and quiet, I went on my way, the next lamplight looking so distant on the road ahead. My steps cut through the gloomy grayness, my shadow on the ground lengthening as I walked away from the lamppost. My first steps to a future without her. Her first steps to a future without me, leaving me behind as part of her past.

Inch by inch, every second increasing the space between us. Soon, it will be miles and years that separate us, and we will be reduced to almost nothing, not more than just two people who used to know each other, who existed in a common time. Is that how she will remember me? Is this how I will remember her? Is this the last of her?

There will always be her in me. There will always be traces of her on my skin, I will always smell her in my breath. My fingers will touch someone else’s but they will always memorize the geography of her hand. I will find warmth somewhere else in the world, but I will always feel her coldness. I will see a million other people, but I will always look for her in a crowd.

Never look back, I kept telling myself. I didn’t want to see the empty spot she just left. I didn’t want to see this empty street again.

My tears fell and dried. I reached the end of the street.

And in that one moment of respite, of the final collusion of love and hate, in that exact instant, I risked an eternity of peace and looked back, and the fog has lifted, and showed the old abandoned church, and the lamp shedding its old light onto the mist, onto the pavement. I looked back and saw her, standing still where I left her, not having moved an inch, looking straight at me, hands in her pocket, watching me leave, and it was only then that I really understood, that the unnamed things we feel, the things we want to say but have no words for, these things constitute real love, these things outlast time and space, these things survive goodbyes.



Wala pa akong maipost kaya ito na lang munang ginawa kong fiction half a year ago... matapos akong i-challenge ni Jepoy na sumulat ng something cheesy para maiba naman.

peter answers

Hey Kids! May ituturo akong kasamaan, so makinig maigi! Mahalagang matutunan ninyo ito, para ikauunlad ng buhay ninyo.


OK. Hindi ko sure kung alam nyo na ang website na www.PeterAnswers.com, kung alam mo na, wag maging KJ (hihi) at kung hindi mo pa alam, ituturo ko sa iyo kung paano mo isasagawa ang iyong susunod na April Fool's Day Trick.

Materials Needed:
Synopsis:

Ang www.PeterAnswers.com ay isang website kung saan pwede mong "tanungin" si Peter at "sasagot" sya sa iyo. Halimbawa, ask mo sya "Ano color ng panty ni Khikhi today". Sa pamamagitan ng lihim na method, mahuhulaan ito ni Peter na "Maroon, with bacon garter".



Sa unang tingin, ita-type mo lang ang "Peter, please answer" o kaya "Peter, please answer the following question" sa box, tapos ita-type mo rin yung tanong mo, at huhulaan na ni Peter ang sagot. Kung ganun mismo ang ginawa mo, hindi sasagot nang matino si Peter.

Pero kung alam mo ang secret, mapapalabas mo ang inaasahan mong sagot na ikakatumbling ng shunga mong friend, iisipin nyang nakakapanghula nga si Peter.

Steps:

  1. Sa araw-araw na pakikipagtalastasan sa shunga-shunga mong friend, humanap ng paraan para maisingit ang www.PeterAnswers.com sa usapan nyo:

  2. Example:

    Shungang Friend: Haizt, ang dami me problem! Wala na me pera wala pa me load. Wala pa me lovelife wala pa me sexlife. Paano na me? Ano gagawin me?

    Ikaw: Friend alam mo ba meron akong alam na website na lahat ng itanong mo ay kaya nyang sagutin.

    Shungang Friend: Weh?

  3. Matapos ang required na dialogue, agad mong buksan ang website na ito: www.PeterAnswers.com. Grabe ako maka-link, akala mo naman binayaran ako ng www.PeterAnswers.com.

  4. Ipabasa sa shungang friend ang nakalagay na instruction sa website at sabihin na sundin nya ito. Kapag nagtype na ng tanong si friend, hindi sasagot nang matino si Peter, expected na yan, kaya bumitaw ka agad ng ganitong dialogue:

  5. "Ako nga pa-try baka sa akin sumagot."

  6. Ito na ang trick. Sa Petition box, pindutin ang "." button sa keyboard bago i-type ang gusto mong lumabas na sagot. Halimbawa, ang tanong mo ay kung suot ba ni Khikhi ang panty nyang bacon, at ang gusto mong lumabas na sagot ay
    No, she is wearing supporter for her loslos.
    ang dapat mong i-type sa petition box ay
    .No, she is wearing supporter for her loslos.
    Huwag na huwag kakalimutan ang period. Todo effort na ang pagpapaliwanag ko kaya dapat nagegets mo na.

  7. Hindi makikita ng friend mo ang tunay na tinype mo sa box, dahil ang lalabas sa box ay "Peter, please answer the following question" habang nagtytype ka. Akala nya, tinatype mo yung petition. Siguraduhin mo lang na mabilis kang magtype, dahil kung isang letra kada minuto ka magtype, mabibisto ni shungang friend na iba ang pinipindot mo sa keyboard mo sa lumalabas sa screen. Matapos i-type ang gusto mong sagot, i-type lang ang tanong sa Question box. Press OK and tsaraaaaan. Lalabas ang tinype mong sagot, na kunwari ay hula ni Peter.


  8. Tatambling na ang shunga-shunga mong friend. Magreact ka ng "Huwaaaattt tama ba ang hula ni Peter????" or kung ano-ano pang shit dialogue na maisip mo. Magbaliw-baliwan ka for full effect. Punitin mo ang suot mong saplot hanggang sa lumuwa ang kaliwang dede mo para maniwala ang friend mong nasorpresa ka rin sa "hula" ni Peter.

  9. Kapag nagtanong ang shunga mong friend kung bakit sa iyo lang sumasagot si Peter pero sa kanya hindi, bitaw ka ng ganitong lines: "Wala ka kasing faith!" o kaya "Hindi ka kasi naniniwala na kayang sagutin ni Peter!" or kung ano-ano pang shit.
Tips:

Para maging effective, gawing simple ang mga tanong, at seryoso at maikli ang mga sagot. Siguraduhing English ang tanong at sagot, kahina-hinala naman kung nagta-Tagalog si Peter???. Dapat, alam mo na ang gustong itanong ng friend mo bago ka pa magtype sa Petition box, at alam mo na dapat ang sagot.

Mga recommended na tanong:

1. What's the color of my shirt? (kung sawa ka na magtanong ng color ng panty at brief).
2. What's my name?
3. Who virginned me? Di ko alam past tense ng virgin.

At para mas convincing, ikaw ang magtype sa Petition box pero friend mo ang magta-type ng tanong. Minsan naman, ikaw ang magtatanong pero huwag mong palabasin ang tamang sagot, para hindi maghinala ang friend mong shunga na sa iyo lang humuhula nang tama si Peter.

Kapag dumating sa puntong gusto nang itanong ng friend mo ang "Who are you?" ang isang magandang sagot ay "I am your dead grandmother, (insert name here)". Para naman sa finale, patirikin mo ang mata mo at magkunwaring sinaniban ka na ni Peter.

Ginagawa namin ang trick na ito sa lahat ng new hires sa aming team. Ang huling victim, itago natin sa pangalang Juan. Nagtanong si Juan kung nasaan ang nawawala nyang gunting, sumagot si "Peter" na nasa basurahan sa pantry.

Kinalkal ni Juan ang basurahan.

Ganun ako ka-convincing.

KThxBye mwahchupa. Labia!
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