videoke girl

Minsan nakakatuwa ang mag-videoke. Minsan nakaka-offend. Ako nga naooffend sa sarili kong boses. Parang galing sa hukay ang singing voice ko. Hindi ito para sa ikaeenjoy ng madla. Hangga't maaari, pinaka-iiwas-iwasan ko talaga ang mapasabak sa videoke kasi ito talaga ang nagdudulot ng kahihiyan sa akin.

Madalas diba katuwaan lang ang videoke, pero paano kung, tulad ng boses ko, negatibo na ang epekto nito sa paligid? Maraming bagay ang dapat isaalang-alang. Let me tell you a story.

Meron akong paboritong carinderia dati, na tawagin nating Carinderia 1. Masarap kumain doon, edible naman ang mga food at mabait yung waitress, friends pa nga kami sa Facebook. Ngunit isang araw, nag-install sila ng videoke machine. Sabi ko NOPE BYE THAT'S IT I QUIT Simula noon, hindi ko na sya favorite. Nakakasira kasi ng dining experience, you know what I mean? So lumipat ako sa katabing carinderia, ang Carinderia 2.

Dahil nagkaroon ng videoke, naging instant inuman place na ang Carinderia 1. Syempre hindi maiiwasan na mag-ingay sila habang nagkakasiyahan. Yung ingay nila, umaabot hanggang sa Carinderia 2, kaya dinig na dinig ko ang mga kaganapan. May mga kumakanta doon minsan, magagaling. Naalala ko yung kumanta dati ng Take Me Out Of The Dark na kaboses ni Jose Manalo.

Isang gabi, pagdating ko sa Carinderia 2, narinig kong may isang grupong nagvivideoke na naman sa Carinderia 1, mga naka-uniform ng *insert name of sikat na hardware store here*. OK lang naman, baka yun ang paraan nila upang mag-unwind matapos ang isang araw ng pagtatrabaho, at saka wala pa namang alas diyes ng gabi. Hindi pa naman sila nakakabulabog... so far.

Sadyang nakakalungkot lang ang mga sumunod na kaganapan.

Habang kumakain, narinig kong nagkakantyawan ang mga party peeps sa kabila. Tinutukso nila na kumanta ang isang kasama nilang babae, na itatago natin sa pangalang... Ate. Si Ate, ayaw kumanta noong una, ngunit napilitan. Ikaw ba naman ang tuksuhin much. Bumigay na siya, keysa naman matawag na killjoy. Ang napili nyang awitin ay ang awit ni Jireh Lim na pinamagatang "Buko" na isang awiting sadyang pa-sweet lang. Ito ang "Torete" at "Sway" sa videoke ng makabagong henerasyon.

Kakaiba ang version ni Ate ng Buko, nakakauhaw.  Napukaw ang atensyon ko kaya sa lalong madaling panahon ay ni-record ko sa phone ko yung performance nya.

Enjoy:



Nabitin ba kayo? Me neither. LOL joke lang Ate.

Muntik na akong pumunta sa Carinderia 1 para kausapin si Ate at bigyan ng payo. Hindi nakakabuti sa kanya ang pag-inom. Tingin ko, kung walang impluwensya ng alcohol, may talent siya eh. Pwede pa isalba eh. Sana huwag syang malulong sa bisyong ito. Mamili na lang siya. Iinom o kakanta? Isang bisyo lang dapat.

Yung mga kasama nya, natahimik. Hindi ata sila handa. Hindi nila inexpect na ganyan ang kalalabasan.

Iba talaga ang peer pressure no? This time, nagbackfire, dahil mukhang nag-enjoy si Ate. Hindi ko mawari kung lasing na sya, sabi ng mga kasama nya, "Kampai!" I guess, para hindi na siya kumanta. LOL joke lang Ate.

Ngunit sadyang hindi pa kuntento si Ate. Nanlaban siya eh. Naipindot nya yung next song nya na talagang magshoshowcase ng kanyang boses. Bumirit siya ng isang classic na awitin ni Sarah Geronimo. Walang nakapigil sa kanya.
 

Sarah Geronimo naririnig mo ba ito? You better take some notes, coz your Forever's Not Enough is not enough. Kabahan ka na.

Iba ang version ni Ate, remix siguro yan. Nakakauplift. Ganyan ang mga gusto kong naririnig kumanta. Hindi sya boring eh. Sakto na yang cover version ni Ate. Mag-eenjoy akong pakinggan.

Yang ganyang singing voice, mapapanaginipan mo. Sa una kung papakinggan mo parang Lani Misalucha eh. Kuhang-kuha nya yung technique ni Lani Misalucha, yung mahina tapos biglang lumalakas? Laning-Lani, tapos haluan mo ng LA Lopez na papunta na sa Bjork? Basta, unique ito.

Habang pinakikinggan ang recording ko mas lalo kong naappreciate. Ini-ignore ko lang yung part na parang nabilaukan siya sa beer. Nakapagdesisyon na ako, ito ang gagawin kong alarm clock tone. Tiyak mapapabangon ako agad-agad at hindi na malelate sa trabaho.

Katuwaan lang ang lahat OK? Hindi ko intensyon to offend(1) her, or baka may ma-offend(2) na namang mga easily offended(3) readers jan na araw-araw naghahanap ng bagong ikakaoffend(4).

Tsaka wala ako sa posisyon para laitin siya gayong batid ko naman na it's a tie lang kami. Buti nga siya yung boses nya, boses tao.

THE END

May napansin ba kayo sa lyrics ni Ate? "And I, forever's not enough". Hindi ba "if" yun? Hindi nya nakita ung 'f'? O talagang I yun? Mali si Sarah Geronimo? Ang dami kong tanong, ayoko ng ganito. Ayoko na NOPE BYE THAT'S IT I QUIT 

bituing walang ningning - the untold story

Hey Kids, remember when I butchered the classic Filipino movie Bituing Walang Ningning? Me neither. Pero minsan nababagabag talaga ako sa mga ideas ko tungkol sa pelikulang ito, to the point na hindi na ako maka-function. I have conspiracy theories and parallel universes and alternate realities and such kaya sa utak ko, iba na ang kwento ng Bituing Walang Ningning. You wouldn't believe what I think about during my free time.

So eto ngayon, bababuyin ko na naman siya. Naaalala nyo nung sinabi ko na si Sharon Cuneta talaga ang kontrabida sa pelikula? Well, now I have proof.

Putting my salaula skills to use, here's a "trailer" for a whole new version of the film, something you've never seen before! (exajj lang)


Sorry na, Miss Sharon Cuneta. Hindi ko rin alam bakit lagi kong napagdidiskitahan itong pelikulang nyo eh. Siguro dahil ito ang ultimate Pinoy drama: rags to riches, fame and fortune, revenge, suffering, public humiliation and other Pinoy hobbies... tapos may sabuyan pa ng wine? Siguro dahil napakagaling ng aktingan nyo ni Miss Cherie Gil? Siguro dahil napaka-iconic ng mga eksena at linya? Siguro dahil may something wrong with me?

Who cares. I love this movie. And I love making fun of the movies I love. Nora Aunor, you're next.

As requested by Sir Jek Josue David, a big Sharon Cuneta fan ('fan' is an understatement), gumawa ako ng matinong "trailer" for the fans of the film:


Sabi nga ni Dorina kay Lavinia, "Nagustuhan mo ba?"

But my favorite line from the movie is Cherie Gil's "You'll never make it". Gusto kong gawing alarm clock tone. Everyday, let's make it a point to tell someone, "You'll never make it".

I think this is just the start of another hobby: reimagining the classics and making baboy trailers! Join me in my journey. Next stop: Himala... as a bold movie. Handa ka ba? Kakayanin mo ba?

Thanks bye mwahchupa.

I don't own any of the movie clips or music, so please don't sue me. You'll never make it.

aswang

Hey Kids! Happy Halloween! Or if you hate Halloween, Happy Friday! Noong bata ako, paborito ko ang Araw ng mga Patay kasi mahilig ako sa katatakutan. Ang saya lang makipagkwentuhan ng "multo-multo" matapos dumalaw sa puntod ng mga yumaong kamag-anak at mag-marathon ng horror shows and movies. Sadly, hindi na ito ang uso ngayon.

Nais kong ibalik ang integridad ng Araw ng mga Patay!

At dahil diyan, binalikan ko ang isang paborito kong pelikulang tumakot sa akin noon: Aswang


Pinanood ko uli itong movie, ang saya!!! Yung iconic scene kung saan naglalakad si Alma Moreno sa gubat at nagbabagong-anyo sya into Lilia Cuntapay, WTF CREEPY. At yung bubungan scene kung saan kinain ni Alma Moreno ang buntis na si Janice de Belen? MORE NIGHTMARES MORE FUN

Walang iniwang rekado ang pelikulang ito. Horror kung horror. Manilyn Reynes and Aiza Seguerra combo: check. Janice de Belen: check. Lilia Cuntapay: check. Pati si Mary Walter: check.

At dahil enjoyable pa rin ito after all these years, gumawa ako ng sarili kong trailer. Mejo binaboy ko siya. Enjoy Kids!




Thanks Kids, mwahchupa.


In memory of Mary Walter, Berting Labra, and very recently, Dick Israel, and my most favorite Filipino actress, Lilia Cuntapay. May you all find eternal rest.

I don't own any of the movie clips or music.

don't breathe

Some movies make you question your morals, check your code of ethics, or at least wonder if you have a conscience. Take for example this home invasion movie, Don't Breathe. By default, we should all hate the villains (home invaders) and root for the victim (home invadee). But just as soon as the movie started, for some reason, we immediately root for the akyat-bahays. Or baka ako lang, because of my mild sociopathic tendencies?

Huwag malinlang, ang "Don't Breathe" ay hindi istorya ng katabi mo sa MRT na may hiningang nananapak at kumakapit pa sa damit. Tungkol ito sa tatlong magnanakaw at sa matandang bulag na pinagnakawan nila. This sounds easy enough right? Not much skills required. In and out. Bakit ginawan pa to ng movie?

Dahil nagkamali sila ng biniktima.

Spoilers alert!


We have some criminal intent.

Itong tatlong akyat-bahay na ito (si Money, ang girlfriend nyang si Rocky at si Alex) ginawa nang career ang pagnanakaw sa mga bahay. Hindi na ito hobby or just a phase. Napapasok nila ang mga bahay dahil nadidisable nila ang alarm. Marami-rami na silang nanakawan. Mga bes masama ang magnakaw. I'm so disappointed in the three of you.

But it turns out, gusto na talaga nilang huminto. One last job na lang daw tapos ayawan na.

Last na bes? Promise?

May nagbigay sa kanila ng tip: isang bahay sa isang tahimik na neighborhood, at ang nakatira ay isang ex-army na nabulag. Years before, nagkaroon sya ng maraming pera dahil nabundol ang anak nya, at nakipagsettle sya sa babaeng nakabundol to the tune of $300,000. So in short, marami siyang pera sa bahay.

Imagine, $300K cold hard cash just waiting for you to take it! Natukso sila bes. Sheht kahit ako matutukso rin.

OK I have to stop myself sa pag-visualize ng mga gagawin ko kapag nakuha ko yung $30K. Baka ma-inspire akong gumawa ng masama.

At this point you tell yourself, Hala masama magnakaw di ba. And then the movie shows that Rocky has a little daughter and she wants to move away to another state so they can start a new life. So we tell ourselves, Ah yun naman pala. Justified ang pagnanakaw. Hindi ba ganyan tayo tuwing may sob stories ang mga kriminal at excuse nila eh may anak silang nagugutom?

Night falls and so the three proceed to the house to do some burglary activities. In all seriousness, itong tatlo na ito ang pinaka-amateur akyat-bahays na nakita ko. Seriously! Maraming Pinoy akyat-bahays na mas magaling sa tatlong ito. You should learn from the best.

Hindi pa sila bihasa in the akyat-bahay department.

Dear reader, if you ever find yourself in a situation wherein mag-aakyat-bahay ka, here are some tips:

1) Huwag maingay.
2) Putangina huwag maingay sabi!

That's it. Pero itong tatlong ito akala mo namamasyal. Walang urgency. Bulag ang may-ari ng bahay, hindi bingi. This is not a fucking joke!

Sorry for the unpleasant words, na-carried away ako. Moreover, I had to stop myself again right there because I realized that this movie is really making me root for the bad guys.

Eventually nakapasok sila sa bahay but not without making unnecessary noise. Shet hindi nila mahanap ang $300K cash. Syempre hindi lang pakalat-kalat yun mga bessy. Ineexpect nyo ba na nasa arinola yan sa tabi ng altar?

If I had $300K sa bahay (which I don't, just to be clear) itatago ko ito sa lugar na hindi agad mahahanap: sa isang beltbag na nakatali sa katawan ko. Yep. Hindi ko ilalayo sa katawan ko yung pera. Kakain, matutulog, jejebs akong may beltbag.


"Hu u?"

Sa paghahanap ni Kuya Money at pag-iingay, SURPRISE! nagising bigla si Kuya. And he's pissed.

Can I just express that I totally agree with how Kuya Blind Guy straight up jumped to conclusions na masasamang tao ang pumasok sa bahay nya and his first impulse was to kill them? Ganun ako minsan sa bahay eh, kapag may unexpected na kumatok. Naiisip ko kaagad, Sino to? Patayin ko to?

And then I realize, Ay nagpa-deliver nga pala ako ng tubig.

Kayo ba ganun rin?

Nahuli agad ni Kuya Blind si Kuya Money, who insisted na mag-isa lang siya. Ayun binaril siya ni Kuya. Na-shock si Ate Rocky like WTF.


OMG "Gasp!"

Pero syempre quiet lang sya para di sya mabisto kasi papatayin talaga sya ni Kuya.

Agad-agad nagtago si Rocky sa loob ng isang closet. Agad-agad naman si Kuya pumasok sa closet para i-check ang safe, kung nandun pa yung pera nya. Agad-agad rin naman sinilip ni Rocky ang PIN code. Hala si Ate. Nawala bigla ang shock nya nung nasilip nya kung saan nakatago ang pera eh.

This is where we start to realize na hindi ordinaryong matanda ang kalaban nila. On top of his training in the military, kabisado nya ang kanyang bahay at napakalakas ng kanyang ibang senses. Kaya nga nung nagkasalubong sila ni Rocky, hindi huminga si Rocky kasi maamoy ang hininga niya. Kaya nga Don't Breathe! LOL.

It didn't take Kuya too long to discover na may mga kasama pa yung binaril nya. Hunt mode, commence.

So habulan sila right? Narealize nila na nakalock lahat ng labasan at na-trap na sila sa loob. So doon sila tumakbo sa nakalock na door, papunta sa basement... and you're gonna shit.


HALA "Gasp!"

May nakataling girl sa basement. From clues lying around it is revealed na itong babaeng nakatali ang babaeng nakasagasa sa anak ni Kuya years prior. Hala ginawa syang pet. Now, our rooting for the akyat-bahays is justified. Kuya is legit 100% crazy.

Pinakawalan nila si Ateng nakagapos at nag-attempt sila tumakas kaso pinagbabaril sila ni Kuya at nasapol si Ate.

Nainis na si Kuya so pinatay nya ang ilaw like Tangina nyo ha, ayan. Sanay ako sa dilim.


Sheht GASP!

So habulan na naman sila. Pati yung alagang aso ni Kuya, sumali na rin sa habulan hanggang sa masaksak ni Kuya si Kuya Alex at mahuli si Ate Rocky, na nawalan ng malay.

Nang magising si Rocky... you're gonna shit. Nakaposas na sya sa basement. It's official: this is not a pleasant evening.

Mental note: huwag papasok sa bahay ng iba.

Meanwhile abala si Kuya na parang may niluluto syang something. Hala, kaya nya pala binihag yung unang babae kasi binuntis nya pala yun via artifical insemination. At ngayong deads na si Ate, si Rocky na lang. Inihanda na ni Kuya ang niluluto nya: pinakuluang tamod. At iinject nya ito sa kepzz ni Ate Rocky.

Syempre struggle struggle si Ate Rocky. Wala ito sa plans nya tonight. This is not funny at all!

Buti na lang buhay pa si Alex! Binigwasan nya nang isang matindi si Kuya tapos pinosasan nila and stuff. Gusto na nilang lumabas doon sa bahay! Gusto na nilang umalis! Pero hindi sila pwede humingi ng tulong. Hindi sila makatawag sa pulis because duh.


SHOCKS "Gasp!"

Hala buhay pa si Kuya! Binaril nya si Alex. Si Ate Rocky naman, kinuha yung pera. Buti nakatakas si Ate Rocky at nakatakbo palabas, pero hinabol sya ng kinginang aso. I'm normally a dog person pero yung aso dito, mamamatay-tao.

So hinabol sya right? At this point yung mga tao sa sinehan sumuko na eh. Ako rin nawalan na ako ng pag-asa. Sige na Ate paubaya mo na. Pakamatay ka na lang. Pa-inseminate ka na. Nakakapagod na eh.

Na-trap ni Ate yung aso sa kotse, kaso nahuli naman siya ni Kuya at kinaladkad pabalik sa house. Hala inumaga na sila sa paghahabulan.


"You guys are ~so~ annoying."

At this point pagod na si Ate pero sure sya na pagod na rin si Kuya. Pinatunog nya yung house alarm  tapos hinampas nya si Kuya ng bakal so nadisorient si Kuya hanggang sa mahulog sya sa basement.

So nakatakas na sya. Kaso nahabol sya ni Kuya. Tapos binaril nya si Kuya. So nakatakas na sya. Kaso nahabol siya ni Kuya. Tapos hinampas nya tapos ayun. So nakatakas na sya. Eh kaso hinabol sya ni Kuya. Joke lang. But it does feel that way.

Noong totoong finally nakatakas na si Ate, syempre dala-dala nya ang pera. Yang perang yan kaya ang pinag-ugatan ng lahat ng ito. Ang ending, mayaman na si Ate at buhay pa si Kuya.

Don't Breathe. Don't torrent... dahil ilegal yun mga bes.

Ang mga larawan ay pawang Ginoogle lamang at hindi ko inaangkin. Aanhin ko naman?

lights out

We all have awful friends. If you don't have an awful friend, ikaw ang awful friend. Ako alam ko, that's ME, kaya ako naa-unfriend in real life. OK lang yan, dahil minsan, some friendships need to be terminated immediately. Which is why I don't get this horror movie, Lights Out, which, after all the shocks and scares, is basically about a girl and her awful friend who's just a bit too clingy.

Lights Out is a movie which exploits our deepest, most basic fears: fear of the dark. So that means this movie doesn't have to try hard. Kailangan lang nilang patay-patayin ang ilaw.

Sidebar: nanood ako nito sa SM North. Napansin ko, sa bandang harap, may mga La-Z-boy, kaya doon ako pumwesto. Huli na nang marealize ko na walang ibang tao doon, nandun lahat sa likod. Puta biglang scary ang paligid. Aalis na sana ako para lumipat rin sa likod kaso biglang pinatay na ang mga ilaw. Hindi na ako nakaalis sa takot. Nagsisi talaga ako.

Spoilers ahead.

Wala pang 2 seconds pagkasimula ng pelikula nag-umpisa na ang pagpatay-patay ng ilaw sa office ng isang lalaki. May misteryosong anino sa hallway na bigla-biglang nanghahabol. Alam nating mamamatay si Kuya kasi sya ang unang hinabol. Di ba kapag nagsimula ang horror movie, yung unang character mamamatay?

Aside from being dead in the next few minutes, he also happens to be one of those people who had a bad case of "lights are flickering, there's a dark spot over there, better call out, HELLO?!?". I don't know where people get this logic. Kung ako ang pinatayan ng ilaw, GOODBYE PUNTA AKO SM NORTH.

Image from mensxp.com

May scary silhouette na "lumilitaw" kapag patay ang ilaw, at kapag, yun nga, in-investigate mo pa, mawawala sya pagsindi mo ng ilaw. So instead of getting the hell out of there, the guy investigates and promptly dies a painful, yet very AH OKEY death. You brought it upon yourself, Kuya. Kung ako may makitang scary silhouette sa bahay, wala nang investigate-investigate, LILIPAT AKO SA PROBINSIYA.

Ang lalaking namatay ay may asawa't anak. Kawawa naman yung anak, si Martin. Yung Tatay nya kasi ang matino nyang parent, yun pa ang namatay. Yung Nanay nya, legit mental hospital crazy. Gusto ng Nanay nya, madilim ang buong paligid, walang maingay, walang tanong-tanong. Hindi umiinom ng medication, check. Erratic behavior, check. May ka-chikahan sa dilim, check.

Nabalitaan ko na nung shinooting ang pelikulang ito, nanghiram sila ng lighting equipment sa Conjuring 2. Kasi ganun rin kadilim.

Nawindang si Martin nung nakita nya yung scary silhouette na nanghahabol kahit hindi naman inaano. Kapag nagsusumbong naman sya sa Nanay nya, ang sabi lang nang Nanay nya ay AH OKEY. Isa lang ang matatakbuhan nya, yung Ate nya.

Image from indianexpress.com

Rebecca, played by a healthier and happier version of Kristen Stewart (Teresa Palmer), moved out of their house the earliest chance she got years ago sapagkat yun nga, nagsasalita mag-isa ang Nanay nila. Dahil sa trauma at insomnia na dinadanas ng kapatid nyang si Martin, kinonfront nya yung Nanay nya to talk some sense into her, like Inay aware ka ba na may gustong pumatay sa amin we need some assitance please look into this? Hindi very helpful yung Nanay so nagdesisyon si Rebecca to take matters into her own hands.

It didn't take long for the evil silhouette na magmanifest muli and this time, hindi na lang sya nagpapakita sa kanila, nananakit na talaga siya. Not very friendly in my opinion, for someone na nakikitira lang sa bahay ng iba.

So far ang kanyang mga kakayahan ay:

1. Ang ability na patay-patayin ang ilaw, pero hindi lahat, selected ilaw lang, yung nakakabit sa kuryente. Kapag de-battery, hindi nya kaya. Ewan basta yun ang rules nya.

2. Kaya nyang mag-lock ng doors. Pero hindi rin lahat. Yung mga napili nya lang i-lock. At eventually nabubuksan rin. Sana mas may pakinabang siya kung kaya nya rin magpatay-sindi ng faucet.

3. Bigla bigla rin syang nanghahablot or nanunulak like what's your fucking problem? How annoying.

4. And lastly, meron syang mahahabang claws. No explanation, just claws. Yung nakaka-impeksyon. Ginagamit nya ito para mag-vandal ng sahig (ini-scratch nya yung name nya, DIANA) at sugatan ang mga tao. I wish I had this ability sa office, may mga gusto akong sugatan sa gums.

Although Rebecca is the most sensible character (compared sa Nanay nya at kay Diana, yeah wala masyadong competition), meron naman siyang very bad case of "someone's attacking us, better split up" na hindi ko rin gets ang logic. Hindi ba sa horror movies, mas mamamatay ka kung mag-isa ka? Well anyway.

Around mga 30 minutes into this movie, nasolve na ang mystery dahil sa... guess what? Pakalat-kalat na telltale medical records and pictures sa desk. All Rebecca needed to do was read and say, AH OKEY, kaya pala may nagmumulto sa amin, naka-explain pala lahat dito, thanks telltale documents and pictures!

Apparently, nagkakilala ang Nanay nya at si Diana sa isang mental hospital at naging magkaibigan sila. Pareho silang patient, pero si Diana ang mas malala. Ang sakit daw nya ay hypersensitivity sa light, pero parang sensitive rin sya sa tubig, sabon at hilod.

Pinag-experimentuhan ng mga doctor si Diana and yun she promptly dies, just to get the party started. From then on dumikit na ang kaluluwa nya sa nag-iisa nyang friend at hindi na sya nakamove on. But why all this hostility Diana? Pwede naman kayong friends, pero hindi mo susugatan yung ibang friends nya is that too much to ask? Your interpersonal skills are questionable here.

So matapos ma-figure out ni Rebecca ang dahilan kung bakit sila pinapatay ni Diana, nag-resume uli ang violence. Habang nagkakahabulan, patayan ng ilaw, hablutan, kalmutan, sigawan, may nakatawag naman sa pulis. Eh di ba sa horror movies, yung first respondents na pulis, mapapatay rin ng ghost! This is how the ghost says, Take me seriously! I'll kill everyone not just this boring family!

Grabe ang violence ng ghost hindi sya mapigilan. How do you expect to live in harmony and camaraderie kung yung isang kasama nyo sa bahay eh papatayan ka ng ilaw tapos itutulak ka sa hagdan? Diana is not an ideal housemate and I'm concerned for the well-being of the other occupants in the house.

But before Diana could learn the error in her ways, nag-decide na yung Nanay na Tama na, enough na ang kakupalan mo Diana. Kung di kita ma-unfriend, magdedeactivate na ako ng account! BANG. And she promptly shoots herself in the head. Tapos ang party.

Sana kanina pa di ba? Anyway.

Tsk tsk Diana. Napundi na lang lahat ng bumbilya sa bahay kakapatay mo. Wala ka namang kwentang housemate.

Alam natin na tapos na ang movie kasi di ba sa horror movies pag patapos na, meron nang ambulance at nakaupo sa likod ng van yung mga bida (with matching blanket around the shoulders)? And so with their parents dead, susubukang mamuhay nina Martin, Rebecca at ang boyfriend ni Rebecca (ah yeah nalimutan kong banggitin may isa pa palang character pero kebs lang dahil isa lang syang AH OKEY character).

My simple rule in life is this: I don't make friends with people creepier than me. Eh yung Nanay parang walang sense of creepy and not creepy. Yung kinaibigan pa talaga eh yung mukhang naglalakad na voodoo doll. Although personally I've met these kinds of people na rin naman, like yung visually marumi and generally mabaho, and some of them eventually become good friends of mine (love you guys). Pero yung nangangalmot? Wrong. Unfriend na kapag ganyan.

My takeaways from this movie:

Try not to drive your friends to kill themselves.
Same thing I said to the Conjuring 2 family:  invest in good quality light bulbs.

Verdict:

Rating: 5 out of 5 lightbulbs, pero walang kuryente. Go figure.

Naku wag nyo nang i-torrent ito... ABA SHEMPRE NAMAN MASAMA ANG MAGTORRENT ILLEGAL KAYA YUN! *Wink*

There goes my take on Lights Out, aka Clingy Lesbian.

soundalikes

You ever notice how two very unrelated songs sound alike? I'm not referring to songs that "sample" other songs (like "Stronger" by Kanye West sampling "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" by Daft Punk) because that's the purpose of sampling. I'm referring to that moment when you hear a song and it reminds you of some other song, it's almost like you can interchange their parts and it still sounds OK.

Similar sounding songs are the reason mashups exist, which give comedians like Ate Gay a career. It takes skill to really come up with good mashups, and sometimes all it takes is coincidence and a good memory.

So I'll try to list down some songs which I notice sound a like a lot, but I'll be excluding cases like "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice and Queen's "Under Pressure" because there are existing legal complaints pertaining to plagiarism. I'll also exclude novelty songs like "Sha La La La" (Venga Boys) which sounds like "Whoops Kirri" (Fruitcake) because novelty music tend to sound alike since they follow a certain formula.

I'll also steer clear of songs that they say sound alike but I just don't hear it, like "Express Yourself" (Madonna) and "Born This Way" (Lady Gaga).

Enough disclaimers.

#1 All I Want, Runaway Train, Lost in Love

Let's start with these three easy listening songs. The similarities are subtle and I'm not sure if I'm the only one who hears it. Take a listen, and if you don't hear it, at least you spent your time listening to good chillout music, which is time well spent.







Moving on from the really subtle to kinda blatant:

#2 When Love Takes Over, Clocks





You have to be deaf, or can hear but in denial, to not acknowledge that these two songs sound alike. To point out the obvious: it's the piano. These are both great songs that I like. Maybe a mashup is in order.

#3 Shadow of the Day, With or Without You, If Life Is So Short







This is weird right? I wish you already know these songs so I won't have to explain, you'll probably just hear it for yourself if you listen to them in a row. I actually don't know how to explain it. It's like these songs can overlay on each other and still jive. I know they are on different keys and tempos but still.

Or you'll probably disagree, but before you do, here's a little experiment: Play one song, and at the chorus, switch to the either of the other two songs. And then tell me that I'm just imagining things :)

#4 Beat It, Whip It, My Sharona







Wanna work out endlessly? Play these three songs in a loop. At some point I guarantee, you'll lose track of which is which.

#5 Story of my Life, Now I Can Dance





Another weird pair. What's weirder is that these songs are like decades apart. I really like Story of my Life, but the first time I heard it, I found myself humming this really old Tina Arena song which I last heard ages ago. Funny how the brain works sometimes. Do you agree with this or am I just weird?

#6 Just The Way You Are, Doesn't Mean Anything





Test yourself: play the lesser known Alicia Keys track first and see if you hear the resemblance with the widely gasgas Bruno Mars hit. I know for sure I'm not the only one, because a Youtube mashup already exists.

#7 Where Are You, Water Runs Dry





Have you ever tried hearing a song playing faintly on the radio and you start singing along to it, only to realize it's an entirely different song? I was in a taxi the other night and heard Where Are You, and I really thought it was Boyz II Men. Nevertheless these are two great easy listening songs. There's never a bad time to listen to these. How I miss old music.

#8 E.T, Bad Blood



Sorry, no embedded track for Bad Blood, because Taylor Swift seems to be in a feud with everyone including Spotify. But If you are familiar with the songs, you might agree that Bad Blood's verses sound very very similar to the whole E.T. song, sung by another Taylor Swift enemy, Katy Perry.

#9 Without You, Wildest Dreams



While we're on Taylor Swift: you probably need to be a fan of these two ladies to catch the similarity. The only difference probably is, Taylor Swift sounds awake and self-aware, while Lana del Rey sounds bored and would rather cut herself. I like both songs. Again, no embed for Swiftie.

#10 One, Walking Away





My favorite soundalikes, mainly because separately, these are still my favorite songs, and because Craig David acknowledges the similarity, he even performed an epic mashup.

#11 It Was Always You, Crazy





Another pair of songs separated by decades. What's weird is, if you try to listen very closely and analyze, they don't really sound the same. But if you don't listen too much, they remind you of each other. Must be the general atmosphere, the same way "Pure Shores" (All Saints) reminds me of "Frozen" (Madonna).

#12 And lastly, the craziest pair yet:



God I hope you know this Sia song, just so I can ask you if the intro also reminds you of...



So, do you agree with my list, or am I just hallucinating and should really do something productive?

pamilya ordinaryo

What happens when the predator becomes prey? Kapag ang mga kriminal ang naging biktima? Kapag ang magnanakaw ang ninakawan? Pinanood ko ang Pamilya Ordinaryo at ang mga tanong kong ito ay nasagot. This Cinemalaya entry shows us a story already unfolding before our eyes outside the cinema, but we're too busy with Pokemon Go and sharing Duterte articles on Facebook like the keyboard warriors that we are. Wow ang bigat agad!

WARNING: Super spoilers, halos nakwento ko na ang buong movie. Read only if you have already seen the movie.

So shall we start?


Sa direksyon ni Eduardo Roy Jr at pinagbibidahan nina Hasmine Kilip at Ronwaldo Martin, ang pelikula ay sumasalamin sa [insert matinding kahirapan here].

Right off the bat, let's put it out there: the chemistry between Hasmine Kilip and Ronwaldo Martin is just undeniable. Kuhang-kuha nila yung awayan ng mga magjowa sa kalye. Hindi lang sila mukhang magjowa, mukha silang magjowa nang matagal-tagal na. Parang nagworkshop nang matindi itong mga ito. Here watch this:


How lovely. Tell us how you really feel, Bebe Ghurl.

Since we have established that these two actors are believable, let's also touch on other important parts of the movie that movie critics and wannabes all seem to focus on: cinematography and lighting.



See how the straight lines converge on Jane's head? That means good cinematography. You notice that you can see their facial expressions? That means good lighting.

OK now we can really focus on the fun parts.

Si Jane (yang may hawak na baby) at Aries (yang may hawak na rugby) ay isang "mag-asawa" na nakatira sa kalye, shoplifting from stores, sniffing some rugby, and snatching phones from pedestrians, you know, just for fun. Modern day Bonnie and Clyde ganyan. By some twist of fate, as in hindi ko mawari because something illogical like this never happens in real life, the unthinkable happened: nagka-baby sila, si Baby Arjan.

Late ako ng mga 15 minutes sa movie. The worst thing about being late to a movie is, dahil sa gitna ka na nagsimula manood, you don't get eased into the environment. Kumbaga, wala kang starting point where you can relate, no chance for it to establish itself to you, salang kaagad. Ngunit buti na lang, ang naabutan kong eksena ay isang eksena that best describes us Filipinos at relate na relate ang lahat:


Selfie!

For me, this movie is an exercise in profiling. Hindi ko sinasabing predictable at one-dimensional ang mga characters. It's good to have your predictions validated once in a while. Yung mga characters, what you see is what you get. Yung mga naka-unipormeng estudyante, mga desente ang bihis, sila ang mga biktima. Yung mga marumi, pakalat-kalat sa kalye, may masamang balak. It's important to recognize these people right away as the movie starts, because the tables are about to get turned like a motherfucker. Here's how...

Dahil meron na silang baby, kailangan nilang kumilos pareho para hindi magutom ang bata. Aba, mahal ang rugby. Hindi ito napipitas lang sa kung saan-saan. Kanya-kanya sila ng raket. Magnanakaw si Soulja Boie ng cellphone, ibebenta naman ni Bhebhe GuRL PrinXeZa. Mga galawang "Sige na, panggatas lang". We all know where this is going for Baby Arjan: he's basically doomed. From breastfeeding, straight to rugby malamang itong si Baby.

Maya-maya pa, lumitaw sa eksena ang isang baklang may lipstick sa ngipin, si Ertha. Isang tingin ko pa lang kay Ertha at sa kilos nya, alam ko nang hindi siya mapagkakatiwalaan. Hindi dahil bakla sya o dahil may lipstick siya sa ngipin, kundi dahil masyado siyang mabait. Isang malaking warning sign sa akin ang pagiging mabait. There's something wicked going on! Ganun ako eh kapag mabait ako sa iyo, ibig sabihin sisirain ko ang buhay mo later. So watch your back sa piling ng mga taong mababait.

Nag-offer si Ertha na pautangin si Jane, para mabilhan ng Pampers™ si Baby Arjan. Aayawan ba nya ito, eh kailangang-kailangan ni Baby Arjan ang Pampers™. Pero alam naman nyang wala siyang pambayad kay Ertha, kaya nag-offer na lang si Ertha na ipaggrocery si Jane para maibili ng Pampers™ si Baby Arjan.

Lifehack: If it's too good to be true, it probably is.

Si Ertha yung taong pipilitin kang magkaroon ng utang na loob sa kanya, gagawan ka ng pabor na hindi mo naman hiningi, at dahil nahiya ka nang tumanggi, susunod ka sa pakiusap niya. At dahil pinakitaan ka nya ng maganda, hindi ka magdadalawang-isip na magtiwala sa kanya. Nakakahiya naman pagdudahan diba? Pinakitaan ka ng mabuti tapos pagdududahan mo!

BABALA, maraming Ertha sa iyong paligid.

On the scale below, kilatisin mo ang mga kakilala mong mandurugas and how to act accordingly:

Mandurugas = Be alert.
Baklang mandurugas = Beware
Baklang mandurugas na may lipstick sa ngipin = Pakaiwasan!

Ito ang part ng movie na talagang kinabahan ako like WTF. Habang nakapila si Jane para bayaran ang Pampers at buhat-buhat ni Ertha si Baby Arjan, sandaling nagpaalam si Ertha para magwithdraw ng pera sa ATM sa labas. Nahiya naman tumanggi si Sweet Gurl XoXo. So ano pa nga ba:


You had one job Jane! Patay ka kay Pretty Boie. Meron siyang bad temper Jane. Nananampal siya ng tsinelas Jane!


What follows, after abutan ng maximum outrage si Jane, is a desperate search for Baby Arjan, and we all know it's futile.
May nakita ba kayong baklang may hawak na baby?
May nakita po kayong baklang may dalang sanggol?
Nay may nakita po ba kayong baklang naka-red?
Kuya may nakita po ba kayong baklang may hawak na bata, nakapula?
Guys, maybe narrow your search down. I'm sure maraming baklang naka-red. Be creative a little bit:
May nakita po ba kayong baklang kahawig ni Darla Sauler?
In this scene we see stereotypes reinforced:
Tulungan nyo po kami, nakidnap po ang anak namin sa loob ng grocery.
Susmaryosep! Guard, tulungan nyo naman sila.
Wala ho kaming magagwa diyan.
Anong wala? Dito sa grocery nyo nawala. Responsibilidad nyo yun. Asikasuhin nyo naman ito hindi porke ganyan ang itsura nila.
It always comes down to itsura tama? This is why it's important to take a bath everyday. I don't necessarily agree with it but it's the rule and we have to follow.

Bilang occassional shoplifters, kaaway nina Rugbhie Boi at Lil Malditah ang CCTV, ngunit ngayon na sila na ang biktima, they found themselves looking at a CCTV footage for clues that could help them. Sa CCTV rin pala sila tatakbo para mahanap ang anak nila. *turning tables - rubbing it on your face*
Uwi na tayo Jane!
Ayokong umuwi, andito lang sila.
Pagod na ako Jane, bukas na ulit Jane!
Ayoko Aries! Hindi ako uuwi na hindi kasama si Baby Arjan!
Tanga tanga ka kasi! Tangina ka Jane! Kasalanan mo to Jane!
Putangina mo! Sinisisi mo pa ako!
Kung di ka nagtiwala sa baklang yun, kasama sana natin sa baby! Tangina mo Jane!
Eto na ang eksenang pure irony: yung magjowang magnanakaw, humingi ng tulong sa pulis. Haha so funny.


Buti na lang, matulungin yung pulis.
Oh hija, tignan mo dito kung nasa pictures yung nagnakaw ng baby mo.
Ahkei.
Kelan ka unang nakantot?
Huh?
Sumagot ka, ako tumutulong sa iyo. Kelan ka unang nakantot?
14 po.
Sino unang kumantot sa iyo?
Hmm..
Huy sagot!
Yung kinakasama po ng nanay ko.
This conversation is so fucking disgusting, it reminds me of my own conversations whenever I make new friends. Ganyan ang ice-breaker ko eh. Saan ka nag-graduate? Saan probinsya mo? Kelan ka unang nakantot? Eh anong course mo? Ganyan. Break the ice.

Listen up Jane: If you ever get the chance na matanong uli,  "Sino unang kumantot sa iyo?" ang tamang sagot ay:
"Tadhana po. Tadhana po ang unang kumantot sa akin. At patuloy ako nitong kinakantot. At patuloy akong kakantutin ng tadhana, kakangkangin ng kapalaran, at iga-gangbang ng kamalasan."
Ganyan dapat Jane.

Patuloy ang pagkalap ng impormasyon ng matulunging pulis. Ramdam ko na nais nya talagang matulungan si Jane, na isang street girl, at mabalik sa kanya si Baby Arjan, para magkasama na silang muli sa streets.
Pinapadede mo yung anak mo?
Opo.
Patingin nga!
Ayoko po!
Paano natin makikita yung baby mo kung hindi ka makikipagtulungan!
*Crying* Ganito po. Isasasaksak ko po yung utong ko sa bunganga nya tapos ihehele ko po siya!
Matuto ka kasing makipagcooperate Jane! Ilabas mo ang dede mo at ipakita sa pulis at tiyak mahahanap nila si Baby Arjan! Mag-isip ka, tangina ka Jane!

This cop is fucking thirsty. Not sure what weird fetish this cop has. Ang takeaway ko dito is, Don't you worry kung hindi conventional ang ganda mo, o hindi pa uso ang itsura mo. Somewhere, someone with a weird fetish wants to fuck you bad, so cheer up! It gets better.

Kung wala akong tiwala kay Ertha, mas lalo akong walang tiwala sa Nanay nya. Ganung-ganun rin ang modus nya: maging mabait. Mag-aalok ng tulong at samantalahin ang pangangailangan ng iba. Tutulungan nya silang mabawi ang anak nila na nasa probinsya na, pero kailangan nya ng pamasahe at pagkain worth 10K. OK ka lang? Tingin mo my 10K na nakasuksok sa nakatuping karton sa likod ng pader itong dalawang ito?

Another red flag: emotional blackmail lines, gaya ng "Teka, pinagdududahan nyo ba ako? Ako na nga ang tutulong sa inyo, ako pa ang masama? Sige wag na lang!"
Saan natin kukunin ang pera Jane?
Nakawan mo lahat ng makikita mo sa daan!
*Saktong may dumaan, natakot, nagmadaling itinago ang phone at umalis*
Tangina mo!
So now the quest for 10K begins. Naalala ko tuloy ang pelikulang Ma' Rosa. Hindi lamang dahil kailangan rin nilang maghanap ng pera, kundi dahil kailangan nilang humingi ng tulong kay Maria Isabel Lopez. Ano kaya no, kung nasa isang universe lang sila? Si Maria Isabel Lopez sa Ma' Rosa at si Maria Isabel Lopez sa Pamilya Ordinaryo ay iisa? Eh di pamangkin ni Ma' Rosa si Jane!
Nasaan ang asawa mo Jane?
Dumidiskarte!
Eh di sana noon pa Jane! Tamod lang naman puhunan ng asawa mo Jane!
Bwiset! Putangina mo! Wala kang kwentang ina!
Syempre hindi kumpleto ang istorya kung walang chupaan portion. Nung may baklang sumutsot kay Lil Boi Gangzta mula sa loob  ng isang sasakyan, pramis, in-expect ko talaga si Allan Paule. Kung hindi si Maria Isabel Lopez ang link between Pamilya Ordinaryo and Ma' Rosa, ang connection nila ay ang chupaan portion featuring Allan Paule, ang saya diba? This is a missed opportunity tsk tsk. Sayang, mala-Marvel or DC sana yung ganitong crossover.

Binigay nila sa Nanay ni Ertha ang mga proceeds ng pagnanakaw and syempre, tinakbuhan lang sila nito. I was like, Hala, sayang naman yung perang pinaghirapan nilang... nakawin? Ay OK ninakaw nga lang pala nila. Toinkz. At this point I started to question my own morals.

Nakakapagod naman maghanap kay Baby Arjan! Manawagan sa radio, ma-interview sa TV. So para mag-destress, sexy time!


Kung ang ibang couples ay nag-tatalk dirty habang nagsesex, masasaksihan natin ang literal na dirty sex nang mag-make love sa sidewalk sina Bhosx Zupladito at Bebe KoH IcKaw Lh4ng Zh4pat Nhu4.
Tangina ang sarap mong kantutin Jane! Palitan na natin si Baby Arjan Jane!
Tangina mo wala kang kwenta!
*sabay hugot* No I really mean, literal na may hinugot sabay walkout si Jane. This is reminscent of another sex scene by Ronwaldo Martin, sa pelikukang Tuos. Ginanap naman ito sa damuhan, but the main difference is, sa Tuos, umaga na nang hinugot.

Bakit ba atat na atat si Jane mabawi si Baby Arjan? Yeah I get it, anak nila yun. Pero baka nga totoo ang sinasabi ng lahat ng tao kina Jane: baka mas maayos ang buhay ngayon ni Baby Arjan. Nakakakain, nakakatulog, may suot na Pampers™. I'm starting to doubt your logic here Jane.

On a scale of 1-3, gaano kahirap ang mga tao na nakakasalamuha natin sa daan?

Mahirap = Laman ng kalye
Mas mahirap = Madumi, madungis, nagsesex sa sidewalk
Hirap na hirap = Nagpapadede ng rugby

(Serious mode) Here's a heartbreaking scene: may isang Nanay na pinapagrugby yung sanggol para hindi ito magutom. Ganoon siguro talaga kapag magulang ka na, ibibigay mo ang lahat para sa baby mo. Sisinghutin mo na lang, ipapasinghot mo pa sa kanya, wag lang siyang magutom.

Nakatanggap sina Bhoi Breezy and  Lil Girl ZHutil  ng isang text message na nagtuturo kung nasaan ang anak nila. Pinuntahan nila ito para mabawi. Nasa loob ito ng isang gated subdivision at syempre ayaw silang papasukin because they look 3rd world. So they resort to desperate means... it's up to you to find out.

Before I end this review, isang baliktanaw..


My opinion on Jane:
  1. She can be difficult to work with.
  2. She recognizes authority figures (like the police) but can be disrespectful towards her peers (rugby buddies)
  3. She expresses herself in a very straightforward manner, which can be unbecoming of a lady.
  4. Has a habit of walking out, even during sex.

My opinion on Aries:
  1. He needs to show more effort with his endeavors.
  2. He always gives up easily on his tasks.
  3. He has a lot of areas for improvement, especially in communicating with Jane.
  4. Gives a happy go lucky attitude which can be detrimental to his success as a father.
Some advice for you, Aries and Jane...

Therapy.
If it works for first world couples, it should work for you too. Don't let the loss of Baby Arjan be a reason for your relationship to deteriorate. Find a psychiatrist and talk about your problems, not just the glaring problems like na-kidnap si Baby Arjan, but also the little stuff like for example, he slaps your face with this tsinelas when he gets irritated. Basic etiquette, when ignored, can be quite vexing.

Why do you need a fucking baby?
Look at your parents, then look at you. You can't afford rugby for yourselves, now you have three noses to feed.

Take a bath, especially you Jane. Hindi mo kailangan ng may taga-wash ng vagina. At least wash your boobs!

Start a hobby. For BhoLero Boie, probably sports, toy collection, or start a travel blog. For BheiBie Ghirlie, how about arts and crafts? Just use glue instead of rugby.

Lastly, to (mis)quote Paris Hildon, "Stop being poor already!" Just stop it, you guys!

And finally, my advice for Ertha: Find a new gig, because everyone is still looking for that baklang naka-red na may hawak na bata...

Si Aris, parang isang batang biglang lumaki ang katawan pero bata pa rin ang nasa loob. Medyo mas simple ang karakter nya kumpara kay Jane. Si Jane, parang clueless sa hirap na dadanasin nya at ng baby nya. Si Jane, parang biglang bumabait kapag ang kaharap ay mga authority figures, pati ang pananalita nya ay nagbabago.

Para sa akin, ang strength ng pelikula ay ang script. At maraming linyang nakakatuwa.

Bakit kasi kahit hindi mo kilala eh ibibigay mo yung bata? Hindi porke bakla, mabuting tao.
-- Guard

Kaya kayo ni Aries, habang may panahon pa, magpakaloko na kayo habang bata pa kayo.
-- Some family friend na nakakulong

Ang lungkot naman ng buhay nyo!
-- Rugby kid



Ito ang pelikulang ginawan ko ng paraan para mapanood. Yung unang mall na napuntahan ko, ubos ang seats. Nagmakaawa pa ako dun sa ticket lady na kahit standing na lang, I'm sure naman merong mga di sisipot sa mga bumili ng tickets kasi mabagyo noong araw na yun. But no, sabi ni Ate, "Sorry Sir," sabay tingin sa malayo, para bang sinasabing Umalis ka na.

Tumakbo ako agad sa kabilang mall, na 15 minutes away, kaya late ako. Buti naman at meron pang seats... sa second row. Tangina nakatingala akong manood. Ang lapit ko masyado sa screen, para akong matatalsikan ng laway kapag nagmumurahan sila. Tiniis ko na lang ang pagtingala.

Nang matapos ang pelikula, medyo masakit na ang ulo ko, siguro nahilo ako sa shaky camera scenes dahil nga ang lapit ko sa screen. Open ended ang pelikula, kaya hindi agad napansin ng mga tao na tapos na pala. Ako ang unang tumayo sa upuan, at dahil nasa harapan ako, pakiramdam ko, all eyes on me, lalo pa't wala pang ibang kumikilos, ako lang.

WTF. Hindi ko mahanap ang exit. Putangina. Bumaba ako sa hagdan, pero FIRE EXIT ang nandun. Nilabas ko yung phone ko para kunwari nagtetext, pero ang totoo, hinahanap ko ang totoong exit, at ramdam ko na nakatingin pa rin silang lahat sa akin. Ayaw nilang magsikilos! Dahan-dahan ako naglalakad hanggang sa makita ko, nandun pala sa taas ang exit shet! Ang bilis kong nawala.



Congratulations sa mga bumubuo ng Pamilya Ordinaryo, hindi ako nagkamali sa pagpumilit kong mapanood ito. Best Film, Best Director at Best Actress, among other awards.

Salamat!

Photos screengrabbed from the trailer and taken from IMDb.

tuos

First things first: Spoiler alert! Don't read if you plan to watch the movie :) The last thing I want is for someone to read this and ruin the experience for them. Or change someone's mind about watching, dahil na-spoil ko na lahat. Also, if you're looking for a real movie review, try somewhere else. Balak ko lang talagang magkwento kasi nag-enjoy ako sa panonood.

In short, basahin mo lang ito kung wala ka talagang balak manood LOL.

Ano ang ibig sabihin ng tuos? I think it's one of those words that change meaning depende sa paggamit:

In contemplating stuff, like "Kung tutuusin, tunay ngang tumaas ang presyo ng pechay sa world market nitong nakaraang 2nd Quarter of 2016, right Jennifer?".

Or in measuring stuff, like "Kiliting-kiliti si Edwin nang sipatin at tuusin ni Shaniqua ang kanyang shiznit".

Or in confrontation and stuff, like "Yo, Malou, magtutuos tayo later, I will cut you".


Ngunit sa Cinemalaya 2016 entry na Tuos, na pinagbibidahan ni Nora Aunor at Barbie Forteza at directed by Roderick Cabrido, ang ibig sabihin ng tuos ay "pact" as in agreement o usapan.

Nanood ako ng Tuos hindi bilang tae-taeng movie critic, not even a blogger, kundi bilang isang fan ng Philippine folklore. At pumunta ako sa sinehan na clueless sa pelikula, yung trailer lang ang napanood ko at wala naman details much, except si Nora Aunor na nakahandusay sa batuhan habang naglalaba ng wig.



So bilang clueless, ikukwento ko lang kung paano ko nainterpret ang pelikula gaya ng laging ginagawa ko sa aking mga pretentious movie reviews. Tulad nung opening scene, kung saan nagpapractice si Barbie Forteza ng kanyang violin skills. Whaaat, you ask. Violin, wtf? you say. Yung violin nya, yari sa bamboo(?) I think this scene means she knows something we don't know. Basta yun na yun.

Nakatira si Barbie sa isang maliit at simpleng bahay sa isang pamayanan sa liblib na bundok. So many places to take a selfie, not a single camera in sight. Kasama niya ang kanyang tiya, pinsang babae, at ang kanyang Lola, na si Nora Aunor with the wig thing going on. We find out early on that Nora is a MAJOR BIG DEAL sa kanilang tribo. Siya lang naman ang Binukot Princess. Whaaat, you ask. Binukot Who? Princess of What? you ask. Hindi ko pa alam ang kasagutan at this point.

But it's easy to see that Nora Aunor is some kind of a royalty, or probably a divine being:

1) Hindi siya lumalabas ng bahay much.
2) Meron siyang handmaidens. Tagaabot ng suklay, tagaayos ng kanyang outfits.
3) Meron pa siyang taga-wash ng vagina
4) No man can touch her. Whaaat, you ask. No boyfriend since birth wtf? you say. Yes. Matanda man sa inyong paningin, isa naman syang tunay na virgin. I see how this concept is so foreign to some of us, lalo na sa mga pakantot sa ating lipunan.
5) Not even mosquitoes can touch her.


Barbie's interactions with Nora are like a balancing act between "I respect you so much" and "I'm a teenager, I have needs". Pinaghihigpitan ni Nora si Barbie dahil siya ang susunod na Binukot Princess. Siya ang napili. Siya ang nakatakda. So, alam na. Virgin rin si Barbie.

Nora as the Binukot Princess is quiet, reserved, wise. Like she knows a truth that others don't. Like she possesses a knowledge na hindi nila kayang tuusin. Like she knows her place, and she doesn't need to talk about it. She's not just a character, she's a presence. Sa sobrang tahimik nya, siguro one-half crosswise lang ang script nya. Speaking of script, ang dialekto na ginamit ay "Karay-a" (medyo malapit sa Bisaya) with English subtitles. So try ko ilagay lang dito yung mga English subtitles OK?

It's time for Nora's bath sa ilog. "I forgot my comb go fetch." sabi nya dun sa taga-wash nya ng vagina. "And don't give me that attitude, I own you, remember? Who's the Princess again? Oh, that's right, ME."

Barbie was like "Have someone else get it for you Grandmother."

"Only one person is allowed to touch my things. Do I have to explain myself all the time? By all means, move at a glacial pace, you know how that thrills me." Meanwhile:


The early scenes basically show Barbie going through her Binukot Princess training reluctantly, trying to escape from it once in a while. Ipa-memorize ba naman sayo ang buong epiko kasi ikaw na ang susunod na magpeperform. Ganong level ng cramming ang kailangan nyang gawin.

Nahuli ni Nora na nagbabasa si Barbie ng magazine. Mahigpit itong ipinagbabawal. Because we don't know why. Basta! But Barbie is being adamant. "This is just a magazine, calm your tits Grandma."

But no. A Binukot Princess has better stuff to do. She has roles in the society. She is a revered being.  Hindi siya dapat nagbabasa ng Cosmo "10 Ways to get your best orgasm ever" nonsense.

As the story progresses, we get a visual treat: cuts to animated sequences sa saliw ng awitin ni Bayang Barrios na nagsasalaysay tungkol sa alamat ng isang lalaki, si Buyong Paiburong at isang spirit, si Buyong Makabagting. This song is FUCKING SCARY when you take it to heart. Gustong gusto ko naman yung mga ganitong themes kaya ramdam ko yung dread sa istorya. Na-capture nito yung mga bagay na kinatatakutan ko noong bata pa ako. Sorry kung mababaw para sa inyo, ngunit bilang batang laki sa probinsya, this is magical for me:

Nagsimula ang awit sa pagmamasid-masid ni Buyong Paiburong sa paligid hanggang sa makakita siya ng isang misteryosong kawayan. And like any self-respecting man who sees challenge in everything, tinagpas nya ang kawayan just like that. At may laman itong ginto...

Meanwhile Barbie is slowly coming to terms with her unique position, the next Binukot Princess. Pilit nyang tinatanggap na kailangan nyang matutunan ang mga awit, tula, at memes. Siya ang magtutuloy ng kasaysayan, kultura, tradisyon. Mapalad siya, pero hindi niya ramdam. Kaya nga kapag nag-eembroidery siya, hindi masyadong intense. Kapag nagmememorize siya ng epics, di nya masyadong feel yung hugot, at kapag nagpapractice sya ng violins, makikita mong di nya ito masyadong bet. Para bang mas nais nyang magtwerk.


Mostly dahil naiinggit siya sa kanyang bestfriend si Maritess. Whaaat, you ask. Maritess with doube s? Yes, double s.

Ikakasal na kasi si Maritess, and unti-unti nakakadama si Barbie ng pressure, a sense of being trapped, at marami pang feelings, lalo pa at aaligid-aligd sa kanya yung kapatid ni Coco Martin, si Ron Martin. Sure it's a small community at wala masyadong choice, pero parang may force of attraction sa pagitan nilang dalawa, at kahit ideny pa nang ideny ni Barbie, alam nating lalabas ang kanyang kiri moments, at ilalabas nya ito soon.

"You can't afford my dowry boie," panunukso ni Barbie, "you probably can't even buy me Eskinol, not that I need it," sabay alis, leaving Ron Martin with blue balls.

"You are the most beautiful," sabi ni Nora Aunor kay Barbie, much like how mothers tell their daughters "Anak, ikaw ang pinakamaganda sa Purok 4." But in this case, totoo naman. In my interpretation, she said it with both pride and fear.

"I don't want to be beautiful, I want to be happy," and as much as I hate to abuse the word hugot, eto yun. Hugot ito ng mga taong akala nila, ang kagandahan ang sagot sa lahat. Akala nila, pag maganda sila, tama na yun because everything follows.

Barbie and Nora are looking at their reflection on two mirrors, but they might as well be looking at each other as their reflection. Nora used to be Barbie, a younger Princess, next in line, who had no choice. And Barbie sees her future in Nora. Mamamatay na virgin. Yun ang hindi nya matanggap.

Cut to wedding night ni Maritess, and you can almost hear Barbie's thoughts:

Hindi maganda si Bes, pero mauuna siyang ikasal sa akin.

Sa sariling kasal ni Maritess, hindi siya masyadong napansin, dahil the moment na nagsimulang tumugtog ang musika, Nora Aunor is like "Oooh gurl this my jam" takes the stage to perform a traditional hawk dance. All eyes on her. Ang interpretation ko dito is, Maritess was upstaged at her own wedding. LOLjk.

Tingin ko parte talaga ito ng isang tradisyunal na kasal sa kanilang tribo, na magbigay ng performance ang Binukot Princess. Her dance was so captivating, her colors vibrant in the golden light, while Timbaland's music played. Joke lang uli. Pero walang halong biro, napakaganda ng musika at hidi ako magtataka kung sa ganitong klaseng music kumuha si Timbaland ng inspiration for "Promiscuous Girl".

See what I did there? Foreshadowing? Explain ko later.

Sa pagpapatuloy ng animation, matapos tagpasin ni Buyong Paiburong ang kawayan, lumitaw ang spirit ni Buyong Makabagting, na parang halong engkanto, tikbalang or what. "Oh no you di-in't. You so picked the wrong bamboo brad, and what's done is done. Tell you what. I will let you live, but from now on, you'll sacrifice your virgin daughters to me. And don't try to cheat me on this bro, I would know if they're really your duaghters, and I would know if they're really virgins *wink*wink*. Don't me."

Bakit si Barbie pa ang hinirang? Bakit hindi na lang yung pinsan nyang magaling sa embroidery? Or yung taga-wash ng vagina. Bakit hindi si Maritess, na sa gabing ito, malamang nakapugiit na sa kanilang kubo. Bakit si Barbie pa? She had no say in this.

"I had no say in this," sambit ni Barbie sabay puslit palabas ng bahay sa dis-oras ng gabi to go where, you ask? Sa gubat, sa tagpuan. Magtutuos sila ni Ron Martin. Sa damuhan, may I add.

#relationshipgoals

Seriously, who's been there, done that? I'm not talking about being next in line for a royal title. I'm talking about having sex sa damuhan.

I think I know Barbie's thought process in all this.

Hindi ko pinili na ako ang hiranging susunod na Binukot Princess. Hindi man lang nila ako tinanong kung gusto ko ba. Ako nga ang pinakamaganda, hindi ko naman ito magamit. At itong tuksong Ron Martin na aaligid-aligid, hindi ko naman ito magamit.

But no. Tingin ko, mababago ko pa ang kapalaran ko. Hindi naman totoo yang mga kwento-kwento nyo eh. Yang pact? Weh. Luma na yan. Hindi naman nila malalaman kung may gawin ako. So ngayon, pupunta ako sa gubat, and I'm so "not gonna honor the pact" with Ron Martin. And we're "not gonna honor the pact" all night long.

"I want to experience this with you," bulong ni Barbie kay Ron Martin, which translates to "Ipasok mo na, curfew ko 8:00."

Wala nang pact-pact! Pact ganern! Umaga na nang hinugot.

Cue music: Promiscuous Girl

And you know what happened next? As expected when crazy shit is brewing, shit hits the fan. Nagkasakit si Nora Aunor. Just like that. Hindi na sya makabangon. Hindi yung "hindi makabangon" dahil nalasing siya sa wedding reception. This is serious. It's like, spirits are haunting her or something. It's like something went wrong in the spirit world and she's being punished for it. It's like, she didn't keep her end of the bargain and ngayon sinisingil na siya.

Na-confirm ng manggagamot ang diagnosis: May hindi tumupad sa usapan. Someone broke the pact!

Sino pa ba kundi si Barbie. Alangan namang si Maritess. They have low expectations for Maritess, she can't possibly disappoint them if she tried.

At first Barbie was like Baka may kabag lang si Lola. Or Chikungunya. Yap. Chikungunya yan. But deep inside alam nya. Serious pala yung pact. Pactshet.

One morning habang winawash ang vagina ni Lola nakita ni Barbie na marami syang sugat sa singit. If you ever had doubts sa acting skills ni Miss Barbie Forteza, let this scene drown all doubt. Yung paghahalo ng gulat, guilt, at awa sa expression niya, intense.

Pero bakit siya may sugat sa singit??? Tell you later.

Barbie had an idea: Let's take Grandma to the hospital.
Manggagamot: Nope.
Nora: Nope.
Manggagamot: She won't make the trip.
Nora: Word.

Ang layo kaya ng bayan. Alam mo yung expression na "mga tatlong tumbling lang andun ka na?" Dito, literal na tatumbling ka pababa sa slope ng bundok. Malayo ang lalakarin nila. Kung tutuusin, it's around 3-4 business days kung leisurely walk lang. But Nora Aunor, given her Binukot Princess status and her frail condition, takes the trip in style.


"You call yourself a diva, you basic wannabe? You're no diva until people carry you in a basket because your feet don't touch the ground. And yes, by all means, move at a glacial pace."

So Ron Martin and some other guys and the whole posse carry Nora Aunor down the mountain, across rivers, through forests and fields and finally through streets. Alam mong malapit na sila sa bayan nung may nakita nang BDO tarpaulin. Everyone is determined to make this trip, pero nahuhulaan ko ang iniisip nilang lahat.

Kasalanan mo 'to Barbie hindot ka and everyone knows.

Guilt eats Barbie up. She cracks. Over and over again.

"Granda, it was I who broke the pact."
"Yap."
"I should be the one punished, not you."
"Yap. I know."

She's a woman of few words, but the looks she gave, no words can deliver. The closest we can get is,

Kingina ka pahamak ka kasi. Pakantot. Akala mo optional yung pact? Gaga neto.

Pero seriously, tama ka, apo. Kami lang ang nagdesisyon para sa iyo. Hindi ka nakapili para sa iyong sarili. Baka doon kami nagkamali. Baka ako nga dapat ang parusahan.

Still doesn't change the fact, isa kang babaeng pakantot sa damuhan!

I get where Nora Aunor is coming from. Kung bakit hindi nya makuhang usigin si Barbie. Kung bakit tahimik lamang siya. Malakas ang tukso. Siya nga eh mamamatay na virgin. Maybe she needs to break the pact too?

And then may revelation, noong gabing pumuslit si Barbie:


Nakita lahat ito ni Nora Aunor. But instead of stopping it, she accepts her fate, knowing what comes next.

Wala pa syang three tumblings paalis nang masalubong nya ang spirit in the form of engkanto/tikbalang and right then and there, hinalay si Nora Aunor. Hala pinakita pa yung titi ng engkanto. Whaaat, you ask. Titi wtf? you say. Yup may titi for real, and it's about to enter/reenter Nora Aunor.

The audience was liked UH-OH YOU'RE FUUUCKED.

In my analysis, kaya may mga sugat si Nora Aunor sa bikini area ay dahil hinahalay sya ng malignong si Buyong Makabigting on a regular basis, bilang kapalit sa kanilang ninunong si Buyong Paiburong na pumutol sa ginintuang kawayan. Suffering for the mistakes of others. Silently struggling. But not a moment of weakness. Iba yung strength ng acting ni Nora Aunor dito. No need for words. Deserving naman siya na maitabi sa nag-iisang Barbie Forteza LOL.

Athough the obviously minor characters had very little acting to do, like yung taga-wash ng vagina, the acting was superb. Aba, hindi madaling maghugas ng vagina ng iba. It takes skill na hindi basta-basta mapepeke on screen.

To comment on Nora Aunor's acting is not my thing, I'm not gonna be taken seriously anyway because hello, pussy jokes. And besides, I'm no expert. But I enjoyed her acting on this film, at ang mga kasama nya rin. Yung character ni Barbie, interesting. Siya yung character na magkaiba ang iniisip, salita at kilos nya. Si Ron Martin yung tipikal na masugid na manliligaw na patago, at si Barbie yung kunwaring inis, tapos yun pala pamigay, pero inis ulit. Barbie's rebellion was met with Nora's stern qualities, but Barbie's downfall was matched only with Nora's sincere tenderness. In the end, with roles to play and rules to follow, they're just women trapped in their traditions.

What I'm most thankful to this movie for is, ngayon, nalaman ko na somewhere in the Philippines there exists a tradition-rich tribe, with a Binukot Princess who gives her whole life to preserve their majestic culture and identity. The world is sick and its disease is forgetfulness. The Princess makes sure they remember.

Sa pagwawakas ng pelikula, napatay ni Nora Aunor ang spirit na humalay sa kanya. Or did she? Was it a hallucination? A symbolism?

Bumangon sya at bago umuwi sa bundok, naligo siya sa dagat. Did she triumph and break free, or did she wholeheartedly accept her destiny and was delivered?

Or walang meaning, talagang gusto nya lang magbeach? Beach-ready na kaya yung bikini area nya? Madaming iniwang tanong ang pelikulang Tuos.

I love this movie. It's like being transported back to the pages of my favorite childhood folklore books.

Screengrabs are from the trailer.

radyo

Isang tahimik at mapayapang Linggo, sumakay ako ng taxi. Sa aking pag-upo, agad-agad binuksan ni Kuya ang radyo. Ang programa ay isang news report na typically ay paboritong pakinggan ng mga taxi drivers. But no, ibahin natin si Kuya, dahil biglang inilipat niya sa ibang station. Gusto ko sana sabihing Kuya, doon na lang uli sa news pero sa wakas, nakapagdesisyon si Kuya na isang drama program ang pakikinggan naming dalawa.

Nagnanarrate ang DJ noong oras na yun. Nagbabasa sya ng isang liham ng isang letter sender, na itatago natin sa pangalang... Ate. Now I'll try to write down kung ano ang naalala ko sa sulat nya, so bear with me.
“Mahirap ang buhay anak, at mag-aral kang mabuti. Huwag kang tumulad sa amin na elementarya lang ang natapos,” ang bilin sa akin ng aking mga magulang.
“Opo Inay, Itay, mag-aaral po akong mabuti,” ang pangako ko naman sa kanila.
“Umiwas ka muna sa pakikipagbarkada, *blah blah other boring stuff*,” sabi ni Inay.
“Opo Inay *blah blah*,” ang sagot ko sa kanila bago sila umalis.

OK na sana ang eksena nang panandaliang tumigil ang DJ sa pagkuwento at pinatugtog ang “From This Moment” ni Shania Twain, na siya namang ikinalito ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano sya naging soundtrack nitong dramatic scene, but what do I know right? Baka yun nga ang akmang awitin. Baka yun ang hinihingi ng moment, ang From This Moment.

Matapos ang unang chorus, nagpatuloy muli ang DJ sa pagsalaysay. Pinutol ang Moment ni Shania Twain. Medyo nawala ang isip ko sa pakikinig dahil hindi pa ako agad naka-recover sa pagkakaputol ng awitin, pero nang mahimasmasan ako, ang sabi ng DJ:

Patuloy ang pagtitig sa akin ng binata, na para bang nagpapacute. Pero sa totoo lang, hindi nya kailangan ang magpacute dahil inborn na ang kanyang kacutean. Noong umpisa ay naiinis ako, pero sa katagalan ay nawala ang inis ko dahil nga sa kagwapuhan nya.

Hala kiriii. May lihim na landi. Pakiramdam ko, nag-uumpisa pa lang ang totoong kwento ng letter sender. Yung bilin bilin ng magulang kanina? Hindi yun yun. Magsisimula pa lang uminit ang mga eksena.

Magkatabi kami ni Mike sa upuan at paminsan-minsan ay dumidikit ang tuhod nya sa tuhod ko. Iba na ang nararamdaman ko noong panahong yun.

Puta sabi na eh.

Magkakatabi rin ang iba pa naming kaibigan habang nag-iinuman, at kanya-kanya na silang magkapares. Iba na rin ang ikinikilos nila.

Nung sinabi nyang "Iba na ang ikinikilos nila" eh malamang nagkakabit-kabit na sila ng esophagus at hindi magkandaugaga sa pagngasab sa nguso at gilagid ng bawat isa. Hala Ate? Diba kabilin-bilinan sa iyo eh huwag kang makikipagbarkada? Ano ito? Ang una mong ginawa talaga ay makipagbarkada? At yung mga kabarkada mo pa, ang hobbies eh mag-make out. Masasampal ko itong letter sender. Hindi nakikinig sa magulang.

Nabigla ako nang halikan ako ni Mike. Mapusok ang halik nya. Kung saan-saan na rin nakarating ang kamay nya sa katawan ko.

AYAN NA NGA BA ANG SINASABI KO SA IYO!!! Yung "kung saan-saan nakarating" na kamay ni Mike, pwede paki-specify kung ano ang kinakalabit nya that time? Tsk tsk. Gusto ko na sanang magwala ngunit nakalma ako nang magpatugtog ang DJ ng awiting tugmang-tugma sa eksena: Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer. Ang tagal nya sigurong inisip ito.

Bigla akong nahimasmasan at natigilan. Itinulak ko si Mike at napatakbo ako sa labas ng apartment. Ang mga kaibigan ko ay kanya-kanya na rin ng kapartner at mukhang may ginagawa sa dilim. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Aalis ba ako, kung saan delikado sa daan sa dis-oras ng gabi, o babalik ako sa loob, kung saan ang ikinakatakot kong bagay kay Mike ay nahawakan ko pa kanina.

Wait. Nahawakan? Ang bagay na ito? Titi ba to ni Mike? Moving on...

Nagsibalikan na ang mga kaibigan namin at patuloy sa inuman. Tahimik lang si Mike, at parang galit. Nang maghiwalay kami matapos ang inuman, hindi ko na sya nakita pang muli.

Ahh OK. Napahiya ako dun ah. Agad kong jinudge si Ate na pamigay. Hindi pala tungkol doon ang kwento. Mabuti naman at nakapag-isip ang letter sender at naalala ang ipinangako sa mga magulang. Mukha namang gusto lang syang pagsamantalahan ni Mike. Congratulations for escaping, it was a close call. Mabuhay ka Ate.

Ako naman eh kinakabahan dahil malapit na akong bumaba pero hindi pa tapos ang drama, at nakuha pa ng DJ na magpatugtog ng awiting “Baby I’m A Want You” by Bread. Parang hindi rin bagay ang Bread dito. May alam akong kantang mas babagay sa kay Ate: Easy by Ambing.



Akmang-akma diba? Huwag kang sasama, kakantutin ka lang nilaaa! Tandaan mo yan Ate.

Maya-maya pa'y pinagpatuloy ng DJ ang kuwento.

Isang araw ay may tumawag sa aking number, hindi ko kilala. Hindi ko ito sinagot dahil inaantok pa ako. Maya-maya pa ay tumunog ang aking cellphone at base sa ringing alert tone, text message ito.

Ano ba? Sinasadya bang pahabain ito? LOLjk nagpapanic lang ako kasi gusto ko talagang marinig yung drama hanggang sa huli.

Si Mike ang nagtext. Magkita daw kami mamayang 8PM sa tapat ng palengke. Ang sabi ko ay wala kaming dahilan para magkita pa. Sabi nya, kung hindi daw ako makikipagkita, hindi na daw nya ako kukulitin. Hindi na ako sumagot sa kanya.
Ngunit maghapon akong hindi mapalagay at nakita ko na lang ang sarili kong nagbibihis upang pumunta sa palengke.

WTF??? At this point marami na akong gustong sabihin sa letter sender. Pwede magpatugtog uli ng song? Huwag mong paubaya, kakangkangin ka lang nilaaa!

Kung fabulous ang meeting place nila sa palengke, it’s about to get more fabulous:

Wala na akong nagawa nang isakay ako ni Mike sa isang tricycle at sinabi sa driver na ihatid kami sa pinakamalapit na hotel.

Kawawa naman si Ate. I don't know. Ewan ko talaga ha. Shit talaga. Sa sobrang stress ba, sa sobrang trauma, sa sobrang bilis ng tricycle driver, hindi nya naisip magsisigaw, humingi ng tulong, umalis, tumakbo, or kahit sabihin man lang na NO AYOKONG SUMAMA. Lahat yan hindi nya nagawa.

Pagpasok namin sa kwarto, tumambad sa amin ang pelikulang pinagbibidahan ni Joyce Jimenez at Albert Mart—

“SCORPIO NIGHTS YAN! SCORPIO NIGHTS YAN!!!” nagulat ako sa biglang sigaw ni Kuya. Nalimutan ko, dalawa nga pala kaming nakikinig. Parang tuwang-tuwa sya.

Kasalukuyang naghahalikan ang dalawang bida at hinalikan rin ako ni Mike.

“Ah oo grabe ang halikan diyan sa pelikula!” dagdag pa ni Kuya. Hindi ako makapagbigay ng input dahil hindi ko pa ito napanood. Note to self.

Hinubad ni Mike ang kanyang damit at boxers na lang ang natira.

Ate, naalala mo pa yung pangako mo sa mga magulang mo? Syempre hindi na, nag-enjoy ka na sa movie reenactment nyo eh.

Humugot na ako ng pambayad sa aking wallet.

Pinahiran ni Albert Martinez ng chocolate ang iba-ibang parte ng katawan ni Joyce Jimenez, habang patuloy si Mike sa kanyang ginagawa, hanggang sa tuluyan nya nang sinakop ang aking--.

“Ihanda mo na ang Bataan,” sabi ni Kuya habang ako ay pababa ng taxi. Tumigil muna sa pagsalaysay ang DJ at ng isang pamilyar na awitin. This time, the DJ got it right.

I feel so unsure.

apple quality program

Today I’m doing a little "public service" post specifically for Macbook Pro users. To be more specific, Macbook Pro 15-inch users. To be even more specific, Macbook Pro 15-inch bought in 2011 to 2013. I’m not sure if there are many of us, and if there are, I’m also not sure if you've had the same problem/solution. First, let me tell you a story, but if you don’t have the time, just skip to the bottom of this post.

I bought this laptop in 2011 after being urged by an officemate. I’m not into gaming, not looking to do any programming, and the last Windows PC I owned gave me so much headache, so I went for the Macbook. It was great, I had no problems with it for years, I was a satisfied customer.

In 2013 I upgraded to the then-latest OS version, Maverick. Around that time, the speakers got broken or got dirty, I’m not sure, but the sound quality was just off, but it didn’t bother me. So far my Macbook was still working perfectly as a whole.

It wasn’t until 2014 when it first started showing signs of ageing. One day, the trackpad wasn’t working properly, which I promptly ignored. Then a few days after, I noticed the trackpad was already lopsided and looked like it was about to burst. A quick Google search revealed it was the battery bloating from overuse, located right under the trackpad. I immediately went to the Power Mac Center. As expected, a new battery is expensive (almost P10,000) so I decided to just have the damaged battery removed and continue using the laptop via power adapter.

For a time it went well without the battery, except for a few cons like I can’t simply bring my laptop everywhere if there’s no place for me to plug the power adapter, and also if I’m in the middle of working on something and I accidentally pulled the charger cable off, goodbye unsaved data. And the speed decreased noticeably too.

June 2016, I finally decided to buy a battery, only because I figured that the old Macbook Pro batteries might become obsolete. And here starts my series of unfortunate events, which later on yielded very fortunate results.

I went to a known and trusted repair shop in Greenhills. I’ve had experience in getting broken iPod and Samsung phone screens fixed there so I trust them, and they’re generally nice guys. I bought a new battery from them for a price a LOT cheaper than Apple's.

On top of that, I was also talked into adding more RAM (from 4GB to 10GB), and also replaced my 500GB hard drive with a 128GB Solid State Drive.

As a result, my old Macbook pro worked like new, and even more powerful than before. Adobe Premiere and Photoshop, Garageband, while playing a 1080 movie? I couldn't do that before replacing the battery. It was like giving the computer some superpowers.

And then, after a month, one day I went home and turned it on and this happened.


And this.



And this.



These screens are scarier than any horror movie.

So immediately I asked the tech guy what was wrong. He figured it must be my video card, and asked me to bring it the next day. Which I did.

And of course, in the presence of the tech guy, when I turned the Macbook on, it was working fine. I travelled against traffic for over an hour for this. We dismissed it as “sumpong” or some software issue and I went back home.

When I got home, it won’t turn on again.

Slowly losing my patience I went to the Power Mac Center the next day to have it checked. They looked at it and was able to replicate the error I was reporting. Apple guy tells me, “Sir, anong year nyo ito binili?”

“2011.”

“Aahhhhhhhhh.”

What was that? Is there some issue here I should know about? “Bakit po?”

“Baka sira na ang main logic board nito Sir.”

“Main logic board, yung pinaka-motherboard?”

“Yes sir.”

“Magkano replacement nun?”

“Nasa… [my heart was pounding] ... P30,000 to P40,000.”

Okay, those figures are offensive. I’d really rather just buy a new cheaper laptop right? Nevertheless I left my Macbook there so they can run further tests.

When I got home, I consulted Google and lo and behold:


Turns out, I was not the only one. In fact, I was one of over 30,000.

So what I found out was that Apple stared a recall program of their 2011-2013 Macbook Pros because of this very error. From what I read, “the defect in the 2011 MacBook Pro comes from the lead-free solder that's used to connect one of the processing chips to the main circuit board in the computer.”

I’m guessing this “lead-free solder” was working OK until I had my RAM increased and hard drive replaced. It was working like it was on steroids, causing the laptop to heat up higher than normal and damage the solder thing, resulting in graphics issues.

A few days after I left the laptop at Power Mac they emailed me saying I was eligible for the AQP (Apple Quality Program), wherein they will replace the main logic board for free.

I signed their paperwork and after less than 2 weeks I claimed my laptop. They were nice enough to reinstall the non-Apple battery and hard drive. I’ve been testing it since and so far, so good.

What makes these series of unfortunate events work for me? Apple said on their website that the recall program was only from February to December 2016. What a tiny window of opportunity.

It’s funny how the universe worked in this case. The only reason I went to Greenhills was to buy a new battery, a trip that I kept delaying. Had I gone to Power Mac instead, they would have changed the battery and that's it, end of story. But because I went to Greenhills, I was advised to get more RAM and change the hard drive as well, just for fun. If I didn’t do this, the video display wouldn’t have fucked up. And it fucked up at the right moment, because if the graphics error happened AFTER December 2016, I would not have been eligible for the replacement.



Summary: If you purchased a Macbook Pro from February 2011 to December 2013, and you’re getting graphics errors, you’re eligible for a free main logic board replacement until December 2016. Hope this information helps you.

References:
http://www.macworld.co.uk/news/mac/widespread-2011-macbook-pro-failures-petition-lawsuit-repair-programme-3497935/

https://www.apple.com/support/macbookpro-videoissues/

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