movie review: x-men apocalypse

Hahaha it's so funny! Don't get me wrong, I love the X-Men franchise. I love the comic books. I love the cartoons, na madalas maging sanhi ng pag-aaway namin ng Tatay ko noon. I waited for this film ever since I saw that scene after the Days of Future Past credits. And so I watched as soon as I can. And I enjoyed it. But it's so funny!

(This post is full of spoilers, if you care)

OK sisimulan ko itong review with an observation. Sigurado ako, napansin nyo rin: mukhang may sakit si Apocalypse. Right???

Nag-expect ako, ngunit nabigo. Sa scene after credits ng Days of Future Past unang pinakita si En Sabah Nur (real name ni Apocalypse) and it's equal parts scary and exciting. Mala-origins first look, check. Blue skin, blue lips, check. Show of power, check na check ( gumagawa siya ng pyramids like it's his pasttime).

Screencap from Youtube.

Sa comic books, eto si Apocalypse. Hindi mo gugustuhing masalubong siya sa eskinita. Menacing, check. Mukhang masungit, check. Mukhang mamatay-tao, check. Mukhang gugunawin nya ang mundo any moment, check na check.

http://www.carrollconews.com/

So anong nangyari?

indierevolver.com

Eto na si En Sabah Nur. Mapapa-Hala yan na yun??? ka na lang. Mukha siyang may karamdaman. Mukha siyang may diarrhea AND constipation sabay. Mukha syang cosplayer na not feeling well. Mukha syang mas mauuna pang mamatay bago sya maghasik ng lagim. Hindi mo siya seseryosohin.

Apocalypse: Everything they've built will fall! And from the ashes of their world, we'll build a better one!
You: Haha ok!

So yun nga, obligado kang takutin ang sarili mo kapag lumilitaw si Apocalypse because he can't scare you for real. Which is what I did, so kahit papano na-enjoy ko na rin. Pero hindi ko talaga mapigilang maisip, habang pinanonood si Apocalypse, na marami akong kakilala na mas kayang gampanan ang role na kapani-paniwalang end of the world na talaga, gaya nung isang classmate ko noong college, yung dati kong ka-officemate, at yung isa ko pang ex-officemate na namayapa na.

The movie started sa loob ng isang pyramid with Apocalypse undergoing what must have been a session with Vicky Belo in the olden times. Kailangan nya ng bagong katawan kaya ililipat nya nag kanyang consciousness sa katwan ng isang mutant para maging mas malakas siya. Eh nagkaabirya dahil may mga pakialamerang guards na panira ng trip. Hala in the blink of an eye nagunaw ang pyramid at nalibing ang natutulog na si Apocalypse.

Jump to 1983. Isa-isang ipinakilala ang mga mutants for this movie. Cyclops, Angel, Psylocke, Storm. Si Sansa ang gumanap na young Jean Grey. Tuluyan nang naging PWD si Professor Charles Xavier. Si Mystique, busy. Si Kuya mong Magneto nagtrabaho na sa pabrika.

Ngunit isang character ang nakapukaw ng aking atensyon at ito ay si Nightcrawler, and let me make another observation:

Screencap from Youtube.

Mukha siyang gutom.

Forgive my ignorance, ngunit di ko malaman kung arawan ba ang swelduhan kay Nightcrawler at hindi pa sya nakapag-almusal bago mag-shooting. I'm not body shaming OK, dahil hindi ang payatin nyang katawan ang napansin ko kundi ang kanyang panghihina. Gusto ko talaga syang bigyan ng Enervon. At least confident si Apocalypse na may matatalo syang mutant at least one.

Ayun palakad-lakad si Apocalypse sa Egypt hoping to recruit some mutants for his cause, which is world domination. Namatay kasi yung original nyang four horsemen nung matabunan sa pyramid so kailangan nya ng bagong mauuto. Maikokompara si Apocalypse sa kaibigan mong nag-nenetworking, masigasig sa paghanap ng recruit.

Sakto naman nasalubong nya si Storm, na isang small-time mandurukot. Seriously, si Storm parang shunga. Ginamitan nya na ng powers nya ang pandurukot, pero nahuli pa rin siya WTF Storm?

You would think na si Apocalypse ay choosy sa magiging 4 horsemen, but no. Parang kung sino ang masalubong nya, yun na. Nung nasalubong nya si Storm nirecruit nya agad walang tanong-tanong, ni walang background check, samantalang mandurukot si Storm and not a good one at that.

Matapos ang napakahabang pagkakatulog ni Apocalypse, ang una nyang ginawa ay tulad rin ng ginagawa natin matapos magising: manood ng TV. So naupdate sya sa kalagayan ng mundo at hindi nya ito nagustuhan. In fact, uminit ang ulo nya sa mga tao at sa mundo in general. Napikon talaga siya sa mga napanood nya. Kaya gugunawin nya ang mundo!

Apocalypse: Everything they've built will fall! And from the ashes of their world, we'll build a better one!
Storm: Hmm sure, want some Coke?

In fairness kay Storm kahit busy mandukot sinamahan nya pa rin si Kuya hanggang sa natunton nila si Psylocke, na agad-agad rin nag-sign up.

Apocalypse: Dagdagan ko powers mo! Wanna come with me?
Psylocke: OK
Storm: *Looks on fiercely*

Agad-agad nagpalit ng costume si Psylocke at parang handang-handa na syang magswimming. Mga konting lakad pa nakarating naman silang tatlo kay Angel, yung lalaking may pakpak.

Psylocke: Yan si Angel kaso sira na ang pakpak nya.
Apocalypse: Sige keri na yan. Gawan ko siya ng bagong pakpak.
Angel: OK
Apocalypse: *pinalitan ng bakal ang feathers ni Angel*
Angel: Thanks.
Psylocke: *Looks on fiercely*
Storm: *Looks on fiercely*

Si Kuya mong Magneto na nagtatrabaho sa pabrika ng tansan at nagpapanggap na normal human, aksidenteng nabuking ng mga workmates nya and agad-agad siyang isinuplong sa kapulisan. Isang tingin mo pa lang sa asawa't anak ni Magneto alam mong mamamatay sila. So yun pinana sila ng mga pulis.

Eh di syempre mainit uli ni Kuya mong Magneto pero biglang dumating si Apocalypse na hindi pa natapos sa pagrecruit.

Magneto: Who the fuck are you?
Apocalypse: Come and see.
Magneto: OK join na ako.
Angel: *Looks on fiercely*
Psylocke: *Looks on fiercely*
Storm: *Looks on fiercely*

Ngayong complete na ang Apocalypse & Friends, handa na syang maghasik ng lagim, or something like that.

Ito namang si Professor X, konting kibot, gagamitin ang Cerebro. Parang Skype lang kung may gusto syang kausapin na long distance. Eh ang lakas sa kuryente nun. Ayan tuloy habang naka-Skype sila ni Kuya mong Magneto, naalibadbaran si Apocalypse kaya pinuntahan nya si Professor X at kinidnap mula sa Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters.

Yung si Alex Summers, ung may lumalabas na enerhiya kapag gumigiling sya, ayun. Fight scene fight scene etc biglang pinasabog nya ang buong school.

Naalala mo yung cool na cool Pentagon breakout scene ni Quicksilver, and how it got really good reviews? Ayun, inulit nila.

Buti nakaligtas yung mga estudyante kaso dinampot naman sila ng mga militar. Nakalligtas lang sila nung pinakawalan ni Jean Grey yung isang mutant na forever present sa lahat ng X-Men movies yep you guessed it right. WOLVERINE.

Expected reaction: Wow si Wolverine! Cameo! Amazing! I love it!
Actual reaction: K.

Seriously, yung buong sequence ni Wolverine, diba nangyari na yun sa ibang movies dati? Magigising siya bigla at magwawala, looks on fiercely, at saka tatakbo papalayo.

Full force na si Apocalypse. Pikong-pikon na sya sa mundo at sinumulan nya nang wasakin. Well technically, si Kuya mong Magneto ang inutusan nya. Minagnet ni Magneto ang lahat ng kaya nyang i-magnet, for what purpose? Wala lang. Gusto nya lang gumawa ng isang higanteng junk shop. Gets ko pa nung mga panahong si Magneto ang supervillain, pero ngayong inuutus-utusan na lang siya ni Lolo Apocalypse parang:

Expected reaction: Wow si Magneto, ang powerful!
Actual reaction: K.
Angel: *Looks on fiercely*
Psylocke: *Looks on fiercely*
Storm: *Looks on fiercely*

As expected dumating ang mga friends ni Professor X para iligtas siya at para magkasilbi naman sila Storm, Psylocke at Angel na malamang pagod na sa pagtayo at pagkuyakoy habang nag-uusap si Apocalypse at Magneto. Masabi lang rin na may fight scenes.

Ayan na sasanib na si Apocalpyse kay Professor X! Nalagas na ang buhok ni Professor X (explaining bakit siya kalbo, hindi pala pagkapanot ang dahilan). Buti na lang kasama nila si Jean Grey na konting udyok ay nag-Phoenix mode. That's it, sure win. Problem solved.

And then konting paawa effect lang ni Mystique bumigay naman agad si Kuya mong Magneto at tinambakan ng bakal si Lolo Apocalypse sabay winelding ni Cyclops. THE END.

indierevolver.com

Paalam, Apocalypse. You will be missed.

Overall na-enjoy ko ang palabas na ito because despite its flaws I'll always be an X-men fan. At least hindi ako nakatulog like I did with Captain America Civil War. Thanks kids, mwahchupa.

*Looks on fiercely*

34 comments. Post your comment here.:

claudiopoi said...

Hahahahahahahahaha. Andami kong tawa dito Glentot! It's been a while since I was last here, pero wala ka pa ding kupas! Sakit ng panga ko kaka tawa hahaha. Agree 100% sa write up mo! ����

Michael Jhon Bonganciso said...

yung *Looks on fiercely* ang nagdala..galing!haahha

khantotantra said...

Hahahah, wierdo nga ng looks ni apocs, hawig ni ivan ooze ng power rangers.

khantotantra said...

Hahahah, wierdo nga ng looks ni apocs, hawig ni ivan ooze ng power rangers.

Bryan Ericson Arias said...

Binuod mo lang yung movie sa paraang akala mo e nakakatawa. Yan na yung "review"?

Bryan Ericson Arias said...

Binuod mo lang yung movie sa paraang akala mo e nakakatawa. Yan na yung "review"?

glentot said...

Bryan Ericson Arias Ay sorry, akala mo movie critic talaga ako? Haha.

McRICH said...

Bryan: Yan na yung review?
Glentot: *looks on fiercely*

Ronaldo Patrocinio said...

HAHA Agree with everything except the Civil War comparison.

Jepoy said...

Lagi ka nalang nakaka tulog! Last time, tinulugan mo rin 'yung Twilight. LOLz

Jojo Ayson said...

Best Review Ever!

MJ Palang said...

This review is so shallow, absolutely no insight at all. The whole reason Apocalypse looked that way throughout the movie was because he needed a new shell, which he had been trying to achieve from the beginning up to his demise. If you want people to take you seriously as a movie critic, go beyond the superficial. Establish your critque on the character build, the plot, the conflict, the twist, the denouement. This whole movie review had the ambience of a weekly tete-a-tete with a housewife with her manicurista. Baduy.

Unknown said...

You are soooo funny!!! I enjoyed it ahahaha :) looks on fiercely.

Siopao Master said...

Chill lang MJ hindi talaga movie critic yung author. Kita naman sa post niya. Wag masyadong seryosohin ang mga bagay bagay dahil magkaka kulubot ka nyan

Kevin Cars So said...

Ang galing mo po talaga magsulat sobrang laughtrip.hahahaha

Whil Morales said...

bakit hindi nasunog ang flight suit ni Jean Grey when she become phenix. Apoy ba sya or imaginary apoy lang, kasi walang nasunog sa paligid nya kahit ung karpet, etc.

glentot said...

Disclaimer, I'm not angry, this is just so SAD.

Mr. MJ Palang, I'm not gonna get mad at you since you came to this blog so uninformed. So let me educate you. This is not a movie review site, OK? This is a personal blog. I am not a movie critic, OK? I am a blogger sharing my movie experience, my personal enjoyment of it, and in no way was I shoving official information down your throat.

I repeat, I am not mad, and I am certainly not mad at you.

I will assume that you are an educated person, despite the scathing comment you left on my post which I will just account to your lack of knowledge of the blog you were reading. But let me ask you a question: Do you believe everything you read?

You referred to my "review" as "shallow" and having "absolutely no insight". I never claimed to write deep, insightful articles to cater to the likes of you. Nowhere in that "review" did I try to sound intelligent, coherent, or in the least bit serious, so where did you get the idea? I'd rather write something fun than try to be someone who takes everything seriously and whose aim in life is to be taken seriously.

"The whole reason Apocalypse looked that way throughout the movie was because he needed a new shell, which he had been trying to achieve from the beginning up to his demise." - OK, but Apocalypse has the power to manipulate his physical size, thanks to his ability to control his body at the molecular level. Why do you think he couldn't do that with the "shell"? Was it a conscious decision, or was it because Oscar Isaac was cast as Apocalypse?

"If you want people to take you seriously as a movie critic, go beyond the superficial." - No, thank you Sir. I have better things to focus my attention on than try hard just to be taken seriously. Maybe you should try that too. You, who encountered an article so superficial, so obviously silly, which you took in all seriousness. You did go beyond the superficial and missed the whole point by a mile.

"Establish your critque on the character build, the plot, the conflict, the twist, the denouement." - Yes Sir, I would know that, if I was writing a legit review. If that's what you're looking for, I recommend reading review sites, the established ones. Certainly not this blog.

I watched this movie as an X-men fan, and not as someone looking for flaws so I can write a review later. As for the flaws that I did see, I found them funny, but they never warranted me to write strong remarks about the film. I still liked the film. I liked the experience. In fact, I liked it enough to write about it.

"This whole movie review had the ambience of a weekly tete-a-tete with a housewife with her manicurista. Baduy." - And your whole comment reeks of misinformation and ignorance. Typically like a manicurista ranting about something she doesn't know about. No offense to housewives and manicuristas.

And by the way I would LOVE to read your work, if any. Got any movie reviews of your own? How would you like to share them with me, so I can dissect them to pieces? On second thought, no thank you.

Honestly, I would have accepted your comment gladly if you said my writing wasn't funny. At least, I knew you knew that you were reading something that tried to be funny. But no. You thought you were reading something that tried to be serious. Which escapes me. So here I am, writing this, the equivalent of explaining a joke.

I guess the word "review" in the title misled you. Is that why you reacted so viciously, because you expected a real review? How old are you, and how many times have you been disappointed by life so far?

I'm not gonna say Sorry to you, but I do feel sorry for you. Mind the difference.

Unknown said...

This isn't a movie review. It's a synopsis.
Nonetheless, I thought it's very funny. Thanks, Glentot!

Edgar Portalan said...

he he sa title nga iyan ... dapat
" A Movie Appreciation " : D

Anon said...

The sucess of this review only proves how people nowadays enjoy mindless entertainment.

The blogger here is smart to realize that thus he (or she) fed the ignorance and the shallowness of the audience.

No offense but i didnt find anything here funny.

Everyone who enjoyed this article: *looks on fiercely*
Blogger: *looks on fiercely*
Me: *meh, don't give a sh...*

claudiopoi said...

OMG may mga bashers ka na! Hindi lang pala naglipana ang mga shunga na election trolls, pero na infiltrate na nila lahat sa enternet! Magback read kasi kayo before mag expect ng mga pa deep shit. Legit critic ka na Glentot, kasi may mga detractors ka na! Haha

glentot said...

Anon, you didn't give a shit but cared enough to give a comment. You succeeded in insulting not only me but the people who read and enjoyed this article. Is that for you to seem smart(er)? If so, then sige na lang.

@claudiopoi I don't get these people at kung anong ipinaglalaban nila, going out of their way talaga. Anyway let's let them be LOL.

Overthinker Palaboy said...

Glennnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!! :))))))))))))))))))

Ayie Marcos said...

Antagal ko ng di nakadalaw dito. Grabe, sikat ka na bae. May bashers na. Pa kanton ka naman. Pero Jollibee pwede na rin.
Gusto ata ng serious bat di sa ospital nagpunta yung mga yan?! Ahahahah!
Ikaw na ikaw na!

Bock's Car said...

Found this shared on my FB page. Minsan critic wannabe din ako pero at least I know the difference when a person really wants to be funny and when a person wants to be taken seriously. Tawang-tawa ko sa review mo, nakakagaan ng araw. From a critical point of view, I agree with you that the film is poorly cast and written. Ang daming inconsistencies at least with the cartoon series lalo na 'yung powers ni Apocalypse. Correct me if I'm wrong pero hindi niya kayang magdisintegrate ng mga bagay-bagay (not unless dahil 'yun sa telekinetic abilities niya na hindi naman pinakita sa movie) at imortal siya by himself without the transfer of consciousness (tama ba?). Days of Future Past, IMO, is better than this one. Anyway, observations lang naman.

Watching it from the eyes of an X-Men fan since 1993(?), I enjoyed the experience. 'Yun naman talaga ang purpose ng panunuod ng pelikula (at ng pagbabasa ng blog na 'to, which at least a couple ignorant readers failed to recognize).

Salute! Keep writing. Magpatawa ka pa ng maraming mambabasa. At congrats, you really burned those feelingerong critics!

asyang said...

Excuse me lang, sa mga basher.... walang basagan ng trip. Benta kaya...

Xua said...

It's funny I enjoyed reading this, but for some other parts there are deeper meanings and reasons why those scenes were shown in the movie. Like the scene with wolverine if you are truly a fan of the xmen movie franchise you would know that there is a need to explain on how wolverine got back his ademantium in his body because at the end of future past it was clearly shown that it was mystique who got wolverine out of the river, with that it makes you wonder if the experiment that stryker conducted to wolverine did happen since the timeline and the future has been changed. This short scene showed that though in days of future past they have changed the fate of mutants apparently they have not changed the fate of wolverine. But it was a good read to destress :)

glentot said...

@Bock's Car I was starting to doubt myself and wonder if I really wrote something so reprehensible. Thanks for the encouragement. I guess you're new to my blog. It's obvious I never asked to be taken seriously, good thing there are readers like you who sense that. I agree with your comments on Apocalypse. I just settled with the idea that somehow, in between the En Sabah Nur scene after the credits of DOFP and the opening scene of Apocalypse, he sustained heavy damage requiring him to transfer his consciousness to a new vessel, but he picked the wrong guy so he never stood a chance LOL.

glentot said...

@Xua Thanks for reading and enjoying (and also knowing that this writing is in no way a legit review, something other people can't seem to grasp. I probably need to put disclaimers from now on. I like your explanation on the Wolverine/Weapon X scene, that does shed some light. I just wish they didn't make it super similar to that other Wolverine movie where he woke up and crashed his way out. Without that scene, I would have probably accounted Wolverine's adamantiumn to simple inconsistency. There are so many inconsistencies with the comic books, cartoons and the previous films that to focus on them takes away from the fun and enjoyment. Thus this "review".

Kiko Ryvan said...

My God na miss ko to promise..
*looks on fiercely*

Kiko Ryvan said...

hahaha my God bashers are everywhere na talaga.. sa panahon ngayon wala na talagang nakakaintindi sa salitag "mind your own business"..

Dysan said...

Hahaha natawa ako sa blog mo...natawa din ako sa mga comments especially sa mga nega, yong mga seryoso, those who think they are smarter than anyone else and those who assume that we are shallow bcoz we find this blog funnny...

PrivateRusty said...

its been awhile .. ngaun ko lang nabasa, tawa much hah totoo naman. mejo disappointing ang Apocalypse pero i enjoyed it cguro its because i missed the uncanny xmen pero ung ineexpect kong powerful na Apocalypse eh ndi ung nasa movie..

anyways more power glentot. wala pa rin ba ung book 2 ? been waiting. :)

ivanpatrick camposano said...

Naenjoy ko magbasa. Funny. Napasaya ako ng blog na ito. Keep it up.

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