Hey Kids. I'm turning 30 tonight. I know it's no big deal if you're still in your twenties or if you're way past 30, but if you're 29 and on the verge of reaching the "line of threes" then you can't help but feel like you're reaching a milestone, you're just not exactly sure what.

At this point I feel like I'm about to turn over a new leaf, but don't we all get this feeling on our birthdays? You suddenly become conscious that with every millisecond you're both the youngest you'll ever be and the oldest you've ever been. You can almost envision your atomic particles reassembling themselves (I have no scientific reference on this) to create a new you every second. A birthday highlights it, with cakes and greetings and a new number to assign as your age for the next 365 days.

My point though is: I don't feel like 30, if there's feeling associated with being 30. Sure I don't have the same stamina, will to live, and metabolism I used to have in my twenties but I still have the same view of the world: I think it kind of hates me, so I hate it back. I still feel like my old adolescent self.

The other day my mother asked me when I plan to get married. I said Whaaat, NOPE. Not in my early thirties.

You expect a guy who keeps dirty dishes in the fridge because he doesn't want to deal with them yet to get married? You think I can be responsible for another human being? I can't even properly clean my bathroom, I just douse every surface with muriatic acid until all I see is white. I can cook, if you want to eat cancer. I simply can't deal with children (eww), and even more so, another adult, 24 hours a day for the rest of my life. I would really rather worry about the skin behind my ears exfoliating because I think it starts to smell like cheese. My biggest anxiety about my father is if he's losing his hair because I'm scared I might inherit male pattern baldness and I kinda like my hair.

I think my mother thinks that the fact I've been taking care of my monthly bills is a semblance of being a responsible adult. Mother, for days now I've been contemplating buying an extra battery and spare charger for my phone just because I don't like that my phone gets hot when I use it while charging, and after that I want to buy an entirely different phone. I am not the reponsible adult you think I am.

She asked, Who's going to take care of you when you grow old? (If I grow old right?)

I said, You!

She said, Not me!

I said, Then no one.

She won't let it rest, so we settled with one of my little nieces, she'll take care of me when I'm old(er). She doesn't know yet.

It's a too distant future and I don't want to think about it. My stand on it will either remain or change in the coming years. But today, *unpopular opinion* I kinda.... hate kids? Why should I get married and have kids (or have kids and get married) just because my peers are all doing it? I have no intentions of adding to the population. Why should I have kids just to have someone take care of me when I start shitting my pants? This is not a reason to have kids. Maybe in my mother's generation, but not in my generation. Nowadays, you have kids so you have something new to post on Instagram.

Speaking of things that remain and things that change, I think, like everyone, I'm still in the process of getting to know myself, who I really am, and it's a long process of separating the things that make up who I used to be from the things that make up who I am now and will be in the future. The things that used to define me, like my corrupted loyalty to my friends, my corny self-destructive, self-pitying phases and half-assed attempts to be relevant have all been pushed aside. What remains is my dysfunctional relationship with the handful of people I love, my desperate artwork and this dying blog.

To add to my list of future failures I recently took up scriptwriting. I still haven't gone past my synopsis because right now it has more loopholes than I have pimple scars, but it's slowly developing into a story I could be probably proud of in the future. Or not. I think it's the fact that I even managed to string words coherently is the point of pride here.

And then there are my obsessions, which end almost as soon as I develop them. Let's not get in there. it's ugly.

So these are what make me ME right now. I'm a 30-year old man-child who shuns responsibility and dreads social interactions outside Facebook, who would rather think about life than have an actual one.

When I was around 25, 26, with pride I told people I am not a good person, I will fuck you up, etc etc, but deep inside I like to think I'm actually a good guy. I have a good heart, I just don't like showing it to everyone. I will fuck you up but just for laughs.

Now, as I turn thirty there's no point in fooling myself and others. I have ACTUALLY wished ill on some people. I have cut people off from my life with little to no remorse. I'm hateful of so many things, now it's just a matter of deciding which one I hate more. I got invited to a wedding and sometimes I wish the bride and groom would just break up so I won't have to attend. I might actually be a bad person.

And that's okay. I don't have to be good for other people.

I've come to accept that life is unfair, that most people are actually self-serving individuals that will screw you over for profit, and that the few actually decent people are busy or dead. My friends have disappeared into that hole called "new family", or have been sucked into their flourishing careers in "Programming" or "Baking" or "Competitive Fisting" if that's a even a thing, while the highest point of my day is when I lie on my bed and twist my body so that the bones in my spine crack because it feels great.

And that's okay. I don't have to be successful for other people.

Now there's just a few people in the world I love and I think that's better. I feel like I'm able to love them so much because there's just a few of them, my love is concentrated and not spread out so thin by having to love many people.

And that's okay. I don't have to love and be loved by other people.

So at this point, what did I learn? I learned that I never learn. I just keep repeating the same series of mistakes. Maybe this whole point of view is a mistake.

And that's okay.

I'm embracing my flaws, something I should have done when I was 20, when I was 16, when I was 7, when my insecurities gave me a severe case of inferiority complex, which turned into a paralyzing fear of being judged by people, which then turned into a nagging need to try to please others. I'm done with worrying what I can't be, what my peers assume I'll be, what my folks hope for me to be. As my atoms rearrange, I just want to be.


gustilo designs

Okay Kids ang daming nangyari sa akin lately, hindi ko alam kung ano uunahin, kaya ngayon lang ako nagkaroon ng moment magkwento. Mas madalas pa ko magbayad ng domain keysa magpost! Susubukan ko talaga magpost nang mas madalas. For now, meron akong balita.

So last December nagkaroon kami ng chance ni Mudrax na pag-usapan ang pangarap naming business: dress shop. Ilang taon na rin namin itong pinag-iisipan pero hindi matuloy-tuloy, hanggang sa isang araw parang nag-align lahat ng maswerteng bituin. Nakakita kami ng magandang location, nakapagplano ng target market, nakapaghanda ng konting capital.

So noong February 1, 2017, ganap na nagbukas ang aming munting dress shop:

Ansabe ng pink poster? Gawa ko yan. (Sideline: kung gusto mo magpagawa for your business, wedding, or personal kaartehan needs, contact me! Kailangan ko ng pera)

Mayroon na kaming dress shop noon pang bata ako. "Doris Dress Shop" nga yun eh. Kumusta mga ka-DDS? Pananahi talaga ang kabuhayan ni Mudrax ever since. Kaya bata pa ako, sanay na ako na napapaligiran ng retaso at sinulid. Ako pa ang nauutusang magdeliver ng mga pinatahi sa mga bahay nila. Going the extra mile ganyan.

Tapos si Khikhi at yung kapatid nya, laging tambay sa shop namin. Yung kapatid nyang si Bunie, Grade 2 pa lang nagpapatahi na kay Mudrax ng wedding gown. As in. Tuwing makikita nya si Mudrax, sisigaw agad sya ng "Mare!!! Yung wedding gown ko ha??? Promise????" at sasagot naman si Mudrax ng "Oo Mare pramis!" Hanggang nung mag-college si Bunie, kapag nagkakasalubong sila ni Mudrax sa Baguio, yan pa rin ang sinasabi nya.

Ngayon after more than 20 years nagbabalik ang dress shop ng kahapon. Sa unang buwan namin in business meron nang mga nagpatahi. Bawat dress or gown na mayari, isinusot namin sa mannequin, tapos kukunan ko ng picture, tapos aayusin ko sa Photoshop, tapos ipopost ko sa aming Facebook page na ako ang nag-mamanage, tapos ipopost ko pa sa Instagram na ako rin ang nag-aasikaso, at kapag may nag-inquire online, ako rin ang sasagot. Ang dami kong ginagawa, do I have to do all the work here???

Joke lang. Wala pa sa 1% ang mga ginagawa ko sa level ng trabahong ginagawa ni Mudrax. Umagang Kay Ganda pa lang, gising na sya at nagkakape. Maliligo na sya, at pagtapos nun, magmula sa Magandang Buhay hanggang sa Ang Probinsiyano, busy na sya sa dress shop.

You would think na nauubos ang oras nya sa pagtabas at pagtahi ng gown, sa pag-isip ng design, o sa solusyon kung paano pagkakasyahin ang tela sa XXXL na katawan. But no. Alam nyo kung ano ang tunay na nakakaubos ng oras nya?

Mudrax: Pasok po kayo Ma'am.
Ma'am: Nananahi po kayo?
Mudrax: *Excited* Opo, gown po ba? Dress? Costume?
Ma'am: Magpapaputol po sana ng shorts. Makukuha ba agad? Pwedeng hintayin? Magkano? P50? wala nang bawas?

Sa point of view nating mga customers, paputol lang naman diba? Madali lang yun! But no. Una, hahanapan mo ng sinulid na match sa tela. Tapos ilo-load mo yung sinulid sa makina, hindi lang doon sa taas kundi pati sa ilalim, so itratransfer mo yung sinulid sa bobbin. Tapos gugupitin mo na yung tela, dapat pantay na pantay. Tapos tatahiin mo na, dapat diretso rin. Mahaba lang talaga ang pasensya ni Mudrax sa mga pa-repair kasi sila yung mga customers na sooner or later eh babalik para magpatahi talaga ng damit, at mag-iimbita pa ng iba.

Yung iba nga pasaway talaga eh. Kakatok tapos mag-iinquire... kung pwede silang makahingi ng perdible??? Or worse siguro yung isang kumatok at nanghingi ng sinulid... Sige na lang. Baka sa susunod, customers na rin sila.

Ang lakas pa naman ng hatak ng repeat customers at word of mouth doon sa aming neighborhood. Halimbawa yung isang Tyang nagpatahi ng bed sheet (na pinagawang shorts ang natirang tela), bumalik para magpagawa ng sofa cover (at shorts uli ang natirang tela, ewan ko ba, gusto ata nyang mag-camouflage sa paligid nya, gusto nya terno lahat). Maya-maya may dumarating na mga fellow-tyang ni Tyang at nag-iinquire na rin. Tingin ko gusto nila magpagawa ng matching outfits para sa kanilang daily chikahan get-together #squadgoals

Minarket ko na rin sa office namin ang aming business. As in nagdala ako ng mga tela at sinukatan ang mga nagpatahi. Eto ang mga pinagawa ng mga officemates ko. Hindi ko sure kung saan nila balak gamitin, basta gusto nila:

Pero ang pinakanakulit na customers? Mga bata. Kapag may nakita silang dress sa mannequin, hindi na sila mapipigil. Yung iba nagwawala.

In fact, tatlong bata na ang nagtantrum dahil sa Anna costume na ito:

Ang ipinagpapasalamat ko ngayon ay patuloy ang pagdating ng mga customers at mga nag-iinquire sa Facebook. Kahit nagtatanong lang at hindi pa nagpapatahi, malugod namin silang ina-accomodate. So far after 2 months masasabi kong maganda ang takbo ng shop and we're staying positive na sana maging successful ito.

Nakikita ko na sa mga susunod na buwan, magiging mas busy pa si Mudrax, lalo pa at may nakausap na syang magpapatahi ng isang buong wedding entourage. Guess who? Si Bunie, yung kapatid ni Khikhi. Ikakasal na siya next year, at tototohanin ni Mudrax ang pangako nya kay Bunie noong Grade 2 pa sya.

So eto Kids, for your dress and costume needs:

Contact us via:
Facebook Message: Gustilo Designs
Phone: +639568899382

Or visit us at:
44 Champaca Street
Unit 8115 Spazio Bernardo Condominium

Sauyo Quezon City

beauty and the beast

Beauty and the Beast is a live-action remake of the 1991 animated classic, featuring a beautiful girl Belle (played by Emma Watson) who breaks a lifelong curse by falling in love with the Beast (played by Meryl Streep). For a movie that banked on nostalgia and generally good feelings, Beauty and the Beast did fairly well. It’s hard to succeed with a story familiar to everyone because there’s no room for shocking twists and puzzling mysteries. Everybody knows how it goes, we all recognize the iconic characters (even that talking teapot), and everybody knows the song. Beauty and the Beast is probably the only Celine Dion song everyone knows. For sure it’s the only Peabo Bryson song I know. Still, the movie was a success. OK now I’m done with the “review” part. It’s time to roast this bitch!!!1111

♬ Tale as old as time...

... and as worn out as clichés. OR ~WHAT IF~ this story is so original that it gave birth to what we now refer to as cliché? Let’s see.

First and foremost, the arrogant Prince holds a massive party at the castle where he meets a hooded old woman begging for shelter. We should all know by now that if you cross a bitch wearing a hood, disaster will follow. And so, the non-partygoer and basic-looking woman reveals herself to be some fairy and proceeded to fuck. shit. up. Not only does she curse the Prince into a hideous beast, she turns the palace dwellers into talking, self-aware, and sexually repressed furniture. The castle closes down and everyone forgets about the whole scandal. The curse will only be lifted by the only thing that can lift curses in all fairy tales: true love what else.

Across town is where Belle lives. She is beautiful, smart, kind and of course, virginal. “There must be more than this provincial life” she sings. Of course there’s more, because you’re pretty! Beauty opens doors. No one ugly allowed.

And there’s Gaston, the local fuccboi, with his loyal fluffer LeFou. Yes this movie is about a dysfunctional romantic relationship, but not between Beauty and the Beast, but Gaston and LeFou.

Belle’s loving father does what loving fathers do in ALL fairy tales. Your choices are A) Get sick B) Die C) Get hostaged. In this case it’s C. He wanders into the Beast’s castle and picks a rose, which angers the Beast. For someone with a ginormous castle, royal blood and uber-wealthy status, he gets bitchy when people steal from his garden. Typical old money. So he imprisons Belle’s father and she has to save him! Belle follows to the castle and encounters the Beast, a monster! OMG Of course she hates him at first, because he is really really annoying.

“A life sentence for a single rose?”
“Girl don’t talk to me about life sentences” referring to his face.

She takes her father’s place as the Beast’s prisoner. We’re using the term ‘prisoner’ very loosely here. In our world, you HAVE TO PAY to be able to live in a castle. I’ll have to take a government loan, work until my dying day, sell my soul to the devil or sell my kidneys on eBay, whichever transaction is faster. So yes, Belle is a “prisoner” in a castle where she lives rent-free, surrounded by thousands of books and ABSOLUTELY ZERO people (I like that). She doesn’t even have to cook because the castle dwellers got her covered.

“You can talk???” Belle asks the candelabra. Well, not only that, they can put on a solid production number.

♬ Be our prisoner guest, be our prisoner guest.

Sausage Party ruined this musical number for me. Imagine these household objects making out with each other. Or worse, what if the Beast has actually used them for his own pleasure? All that time alone with not much to do leads to a lot of experimentation. Proof: the Beast is very close to the candelabra. You don’t want to find out where those three candles have been...

And that teapot too. As the age-old saying goes, “Everything’s a dildo if you’re brave enough.”

Belle’s father asks Gaston for help, but he is too busy with himself. In a town where everyone wants you or wants to be you, you will always be busy. His “bestfriend” Le Fou sings him a tribute:

♬ No one fights like Gaston
No one hits like Gaston
No one spits like Gaston
No one shoots, like Gaston,
All over my face please Gaston--

As expected, Belle LOVES it in the castle. At first she tries to escape and had every chance to but no. The Beast is actually gentle. And kind. She learns more about him, how intelligent he is (they’ve read the same books, how cool is that!) and he ~TOTALLY~ gets her. And he proobably still has lots of money somewhere.

♬ Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you are rich--

As for the Beast, he is actually starting to have some warm feelings in his black heart. If he falls in love and she loves him back, the curse is lifted. Good thing she’s super pretty and he’s filthy rich so it’s a match. Tale as old as time right?

This is the part where they start to fall in love, which is funny because, come to think of it, they’re barely even friends then somebody bends unexpectedly. Of course the house furniture are all rooting for this new love team. Somewhere in the castle, the toilet seat, the one who wants to be returned to human form most badly, is very hopeful.

♬ Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As bestiality

Now it is revealed that not only can Belle live rent-free with servants at her beck and call and with a lover Beast that she can mostly tolerate better than Gaston, there’s actually a means for them to teleport. And not only that, there’s also a CCTV mirror where you can watch ANYONE in the world... at all times... no matter what they are doing... Fuck the castle and the library, I want this mirror. This is like Google Earth but sexier more useful.

Belle looks at the mirror and sees her father about to get fucked up by the township. Ugh, she needs to save him, again! She just put on this crazy yellow gown and now she has to get him out of trouble. How inconvenient.

“Guys don’t kill my father please I’m serious.”
“You’re crazy.”
“No there’s really a beast, here look in the mirror!”
“OK then let’s kill that beast!”

“Bitch this is not why I gave you the mirror!” Understandably the Beast loses his shit when Gaston shows up wanting to kill him. A battle between the townsfolk and the castle objects ensues. The Beast gets into beast-mode and Gaston shoots him but also he falls from the rooftop and is killed instead. No one gets killed like Gaston.

Meanwhile LeFou finds another man, now all they need is that candelabra and they’re all set.

Beast dies. But the fairy shows up and reverses the curse and then I don’t know, she leaves again to fuck up someone else’s life? The beast changes back into his human form. At this point your heart is filled with such joy that when they start dancing at the ball you just have to sing along.

♬ Tale as old as time
Tune as old as
Stockholm syndrome

This movie game me feelings. It showed a world where Belle, a human, learned to coexist with Beast, a mutant. Mutant, and proud!

SCENE AFTER CREDITS: Belle and the Prince are dancing and she whispers,

“Please please please tell me you kept your beast dick--” THE END

Photo credit:

taxi story: pokpok

Isang gabi sumakay ako ng taxi. Medyo kakaiba itong experience ko na ito and medyo buwis buhay so listen up you're gonna shit. Umpisa pa lang ng byahe nakapansin na ako ng kakaiba kay Kuya, pero kadalasan naman ang mga kakaibang bagay, hindi na natin iniisip much. Pagtapos ng lahat ng kaganapan, kapag nireview mo na ang buong kwento, saka mo lang maiisip na Oo nga no? It all adds up.

Pagpara ko sa taxi at pag-upo:

"Kuya. Trinoma po."

"Saan yun?"

Hala si Kuya. Inisip ko na lang na baka hindi talaga siya masyadong nagagawi sa Quezon City kaya hindi nya alam kung nasaan ang Trinoma.

"Diretso lang po."

Kasalukuyang tumutugtog sa radyo ang awiting I'm Yours ni Jason Mraz na parang hindi naman nagustuhan ni Kuya (Sorry Mister A-Z) kaya nagsalang siya ng CD. Oo CD, uso pa rin yun ngayon. At ang tugtugang gusto ni Kuya ay...

Bakit ang sabi mo, binata ka?
Walang sabit at malaya pa?

Well anyway, who am I to judge ang mga ganitong music choices, ako na nagpapatugtog ng mga morally questionable songs tulad ng My Pussy Belongs To Daddy. Pero hindi pa naman ako humantong sa pagpapa-burn ng CD ng Bakit Ang Sabi Mo Binata Ka?

Alam nyo yung tinatawag na ice breaker? Opening statements para mawala ang awkwardness, to "break the ice" ganyan.

"Ang kukulit nung naisakay kong pokpok kanina" ang ice breaker ni Kuya. Hindi ko napigil ang tawa ko. Siguro kung nakapustiso ako, nahulog na. Nag-elaborate naman si Kuya.

"Sabi nila, sa *** (business name ng isang night club) lang sila, eh wala namang ganun sa Mindanao Ave, sa Quirino Highway meron nun!

Isip-isip ko, tado ka, kabisado mo ang beerhouse, hindi mo alam kung nasaan ang Trinoma! Pero tumatawa pa rin ako sa ice breaker nya, lalo pa at itinuloy nya ang kwento.

"Sabi ko nga, Ang gaganda nyo, papalapa lang kayo sa mga lasing doon? Oo Sir ang gaganda nung dalawa, ang babata pa siguro dise-siete lang."

Tahimik lang ako.

"Sinagot ba naman ako ng Magsalsal ka na lang para wala kang problema!"

Puta yung tawa ko wagas.

"Tanginang mga pokpok. Tangina talaga yang mga pokpok na yan. May pumara sa akin minsan, akala ko pasahero. Pagkaupo, ang sabi agad, Alam mo, hiwalay na ako sa asawa. Pwede mo gawin lahat ng gusto mo.

"Ano po ang sinagot nyo?"


Kunwari nagkakamot ako ng tenga at pasimpleng tinignan ang itsura ni Kuya. Mukha syang komedyante. Patuloy pa rin si Kuya sa pagkwento nya sa mga naisakay nyang pokpok. Naisip ko, pokpok kaya talaga sila? O assumption nya lang? Minsan kasi mahirap masabi eh.

Aaminin ko (alam ko marami magagalit sa akin) minsan, napag-iisipan kong professional sex officer ang isang girl na nakakasabay ko sa jeep kapag 1) Luwa ang cleavage hanggang pusod 2) iba ang kulay ng mukha sa leeg 3) Iba ang kulay ng leeg sa dibdib 4) bumaba sa Makati Ave. Sorry na. I promise hindi ko na uulitin ang ganitong sexist na thinking.

But come to think of it, ano naman ang masama kung mapagkamalang pokpok? As far as I know isa itong marangal na hanapbuhay. But anyway, natigil saglit sa pagkwento si Kuya.

"Diretso ba tayo? Diyan yung Trinoma?"

"Opo, pagtawid nyo ng North Avenue Trinoma na yun."

"Panggabi ka?"


"Ano trabaho mo?"

Sasagot pa lang sana ako nang biglang hinulaan ni Kuya ang trabaho ko.

"Security guard?"

Puta laglag ang imaginary pustiso ko sa sahig. #Polident

Hindi naman ako physically fit para maging gwardiya. Pero madalas nga ako mapagkamalan for someone na hindi naman ako. Like nung minsang ang aga-aga ko sa Starbucks para magkape, kabubukas pa lang ng store. Paglapit ko sa cashier, sabi sa akin, "Applicant?"

Or yung one time nasa Penshoppe ako tapos may nag-aabot sa akin ng Tshirt at nagpapahanap ng medium. Madalas rin akong biktima ng assumptions.

Sasakyan ko sana yung hula ni Kuya just to see kung mapapaniwala ko sya na guard nga ako, kasi nakakaflatter naman, ngunit biglang--

"AY PUTANGINA KA TARANTADO KA GAGU KA!" sigaw ni Kuya sa isa pang taxi na biglang kumaliwa sa harap namin at muntik na talagang mabangga.

Pinulot ko ang nagkalat na imaginary pustiso ko sa sahig sa lakas ng preno ni Kuya.

"Malas talaga itong byahe ko ngayong araw na ito. Yan muntikan na mabangga. Pangalawa na yan. May nabundol na akong single kanina."


"Nahuli na nga ako dalawang beses kanina."

"Bakit ho?"

"Ewan ko, sobrang init, nawawala na ako sa katinuan."

Buti na lang Trinoma na. Binigay ko na yung bayad ko at hindi na hiningi ang sukli.

"Magingat po kayo Kuya."

Aabangan ko siya sa news.
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