beauty and the beast

Beauty and the Beast is a live-action remake of the 1991 animated classic, featuring a beautiful girl Belle (played by Emma Watson) who breaks a lifelong curse by falling in love with the Beast (played by Meryl Streep). For a movie that banked on nostalgia and generally good feelings, Beauty and the Beast did fairly well. It’s hard to succeed with a story familiar to everyone because there’s no room for shocking twists and puzzling mysteries. Everybody knows how it goes, we all recognize the iconic characters (even that talking teapot), and everybody knows the song. Beauty and the Beast is probably the only Celine Dion song everyone knows. For sure it’s the only Peabo Bryson song I know. Still, the movie was a success. OK now I’m done with the “review” part. It’s time to roast this bitch!!!1111

♬ Tale as old as time...

... and as worn out as clichés. OR ~WHAT IF~ this story is so original that it gave birth to what we now refer to as cliché? Let’s see.

First and foremost, the arrogant Prince holds a massive party at the castle where he meets a hooded old woman begging for shelter. We should all know by now that if you cross a bitch wearing a hood, disaster will follow. And so, the non-partygoer and basic-looking woman reveals herself to be some fairy and proceeded to fuck. shit. up. Not only does she curse the Prince into a hideous beast, she turns the palace dwellers into talking, self-aware, and sexually repressed furniture. The castle closes down and everyone forgets about the whole scandal. The curse will only be lifted by the only thing that can lift curses in all fairy tales: true love what else.

Across town is where Belle lives. She is beautiful, smart, kind and of course, virginal. “There must be more than this provincial life” she sings. Of course there’s more, because you’re pretty! Beauty opens doors. No one ugly allowed.

And there’s Gaston, the local fuccboi, with his loyal fluffer LeFou. Yes this movie is about a dysfunctional romantic relationship, but not between Beauty and the Beast, but Gaston and LeFou.

Belle’s loving father does what loving fathers do in ALL fairy tales. Your choices are A) Get sick B) Die C) Get hostaged. In this case it’s C. He wanders into the Beast’s castle and picks a rose, which angers the Beast. For someone with a ginormous castle, royal blood and uber-wealthy status, he gets bitchy when people steal from his garden. Typical old money. So he imprisons Belle’s father and she has to save him! Belle follows to the castle and encounters the Beast, a monster! OMG Of course she hates him at first, because he is really really annoying.

“A life sentence for a single rose?”
“Girl don’t talk to me about life sentences” referring to his face.

She takes her father’s place as the Beast’s prisoner. We’re using the term ‘prisoner’ very loosely here. In our world, you HAVE TO PAY to be able to live in a castle. I’ll have to take a government loan, work until my dying day, sell my soul to the devil or sell my kidneys on eBay, whichever transaction is faster. So yes, Belle is a “prisoner” in a castle where she lives rent-free, surrounded by thousands of books and ABSOLUTELY ZERO people (I like that). She doesn’t even have to cook because the castle dwellers got her covered.

“You can talk???” Belle asks the candelabra. Well, not only that, they can put on a solid production number.

♬ Be our prisoner guest, be our prisoner guest.

Sausage Party ruined this musical number for me. Imagine these household objects making out with each other. Or worse, what if the Beast has actually used them for his own pleasure? All that time alone with not much to do leads to a lot of experimentation. Proof: the Beast is very close to the candelabra. You don’t want to find out where those three candles have been...

And that teapot too. As the age-old saying goes, “Everything’s a dildo if you’re brave enough.”

Belle’s father asks Gaston for help, but he is too busy with himself. In a town where everyone wants you or wants to be you, you will always be busy. His “bestfriend” Le Fou sings him a tribute:

♬ No one fights like Gaston
No one hits like Gaston
No one spits like Gaston
No one shoots, like Gaston,
All over my face please Gaston--

As expected, Belle LOVES it in the castle. At first she tries to escape and had every chance to but no. The Beast is actually gentle. And kind. She learns more about him, how intelligent he is (they’ve read the same books, how cool is that!) and he ~TOTALLY~ gets her. And he proobably still has lots of money somewhere.

♬ Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you are rich--

As for the Beast, he is actually starting to have some warm feelings in his black heart. If he falls in love and she loves him back, the curse is lifted. Good thing she’s super pretty and he’s filthy rich so it’s a match. Tale as old as time right?

This is the part where they start to fall in love, which is funny because, come to think of it, they’re barely even friends then somebody bends unexpectedly. Of course the house furniture are all rooting for this new love team. Somewhere in the castle, the toilet seat, the one who wants to be returned to human form most badly, is very hopeful.

♬ Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As bestiality

Now it is revealed that not only can Belle live rent-free with servants at her beck and call and with a lover Beast that she can mostly tolerate better than Gaston, there’s actually a means for them to teleport. And not only that, there’s also a CCTV mirror where you can watch ANYONE in the world... at all times... no matter what they are doing... Fuck the castle and the library, I want this mirror. This is like Google Earth but sexier more useful.

Belle looks at the mirror and sees her father about to get fucked up by the township. Ugh, she needs to save him, again! She just put on this crazy yellow gown and now she has to get him out of trouble. How inconvenient.

“Guys don’t kill my father please I’m serious.”
“You’re crazy.”
“No there’s really a beast, here look in the mirror!”
“OK then let’s kill that beast!”

“Bitch this is not why I gave you the mirror!” Understandably the Beast loses his shit when Gaston shows up wanting to kill him. A battle between the townsfolk and the castle objects ensues. The Beast gets into beast-mode and Gaston shoots him but also he falls from the rooftop and is killed instead. No one gets killed like Gaston.

Meanwhile LeFou finds another man, now all they need is that candelabra and they’re all set.

Beast dies. But the fairy shows up and reverses the curse and then I don’t know, she leaves again to fuck up someone else’s life? The beast changes back into his human form. At this point your heart is filled with such joy that when they start dancing at the ball you just have to sing along.

♬ Tale as old as time
Tune as old as
Stockholm syndrome

This movie game me feelings. It showed a world where Belle, a human, learned to coexist with Beast, a mutant. Mutant, and proud!

SCENE AFTER CREDITS: Belle and the Prince are dancing and she whispers,

“Please please please tell me you kept your beast dick--” THE END

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