inagaw mo ang lahat sa akin

Hey Kids! I'm back. Tell a friend... So today it's movie time and we're discussing an important classic na (baka/sana) hindi nyo pa napanood. Ito ay ginawa ni Carlos Siguion-Reyna at pinagbibidahan ni Maricel Soriano, Snooky Serna, Tirso Cruz III, at Eric Quizon, etc. Ang pamagat ay very subtle, it leaves room for interpretation, sobra as in mapapaisip ka feel good movie ba to???

๐ŸŽ€  ๐ผ๐’ฉ๐’œ๐’ข๐’œ๐’ฒ ๐‘€❤ ๐’œ๐’ฉ๐’ข ๐ฟ๐’œ๐ป๐’œ๐’ฏ ๐’ฎ๐’œ ๐’œ๐’ฆ๐ผ๐’ฉ  ๐ŸŽ€

Before we start better sit down and have a glass of water ready dahil magpapalpitate kayo sa mga tema, lengguwahe, karahasan at kalaswaan. OK let's go.

The first thing we see ay si Padre, out of the blue, na pinupuri si Aling Almeda (Armida Siguion-Reyna) like "Dapat nyo syang tularan, tunay na anak ng Diyos and ilaw ng tahanan and all that" ganyan-ganyan. Excuse me Father, kung totoo yang sinasabi nyo, I would think si Nida Blanca or Gloria Romero ang gumanap, but no. This is fucking Armida Siguion Reyna we're talking about, you know what I mean?

"Itay? Itay ayoko po. Itay maawa kayo sa akin. Itay ayoko na..."

Sabay nagising si Jacinta (Maricel Soriano) sa malaswa nyang panaginip. Hala dream sequence pala yun to set the tone...

To cope with it, nagtalik sila ng kanyang asawang si Peping (Tirso Cruz III) kahit hindi pa sila nagtoothbrush.

From 0 to 100 real quick, and time check, it's only been 6 minutes.

Tension is mounting dahil sa nalalapit na pagbabalik ng nakababatang kapatid ni Jacinta na si Clarita (Snooky Serna) mula sa Maynila. Ano ang dahilan ng kanyang pagbabalik? May binabalak ba syang masama? May balak ba syang... agawin?

Peping: PAG-IINTERESAN NYA LANG LAHAT NG INIWAN SA INYO NG INYONG AMA! LIKE YUNG LUPA GANYAN!
Jacinta: Hindi naman siguro, kasi maganda na ang buhay nya.
Peping: SAKIM SYA! BAKA PATI YANG DAMIT MO AGAWIN NYA! PAALISIN MO NA LANG SYA!
Jacinta: Eh may karapatan rin sya sa bahay na ito eh!
Me: Guys, almusal pa lang ang intense nyo na. Paabutin nyo naman yan ng lunch.

Nag-uulyanin na si Aling Almeda kaya inaalagaan na sya ni Jacinta bilang isa syang ulirang anak. Meanwhile here are some village chismosas trying to give some exposition:

Itsura pa lang alam mo nang chismis ang inaalmusal right?

Chismosa 1: Napakabait na anak ni Jacinta, ang swerte ng Nanay nya.
Chismosa 2: No sis, maswerte si Peping at sya ang napangasawa nya, hindi si Clarita.
Chismosa 3: True, cyst. Namatay na nga yung tatay nya, ni hindi man lang bumalik.
Me: Thanks guys, ang daming nareveal na plot points sa seemingly mindless chatter nyo this fine morning.

What we know so far, ex ni Peping si Clarita pero hindi sila nagkatuluyan dahil umalis si Clarita nang walang paliwanag just "Later hoes!" and went away. So si Jacinta ang napangasawa ni Peping.

Sa bukid...

Peping: *Gets angry again at Jacinta for no reason*
Jacinta: Maganda ang ani. Sigurado maganda ang bigas. At ikaw ang pinakamagaling magsaka dito.
Me: Aw yeah. Kanina lang inaararo ka nya di ba.

Syempre may input na naman yung mga chismosa.


Chismosa 1: Terible talaga yang si Jacinta, martir na martir!
Chismosa 2: Korek mamshie. Halos sambahin nya na ang asawa nya.
Me: Di kayo titigil?

Chismosa 1: Totoo bang darating si Clarita?
Jacinta: Oo. Maganda na ang buhay nya. Nakarating na kung saan-saang sulok ng mundo.
Chismora 2: Eh di ba ikaw ang nagpaaral dun? Kung hindi mo sya tinustusan hindi sya makakatapos.

OK we get the picture. Clarita is a fucking bitch.

Clarita snookies into the scene.

Yeah.

Pagdating pa lang, intense na rin agad si Clarita at ang asawa nyang mayaman, si Joey (Eric Quizon).

Clarita: *breathes*
Joey: I don't understand you why are you always like this maliit na bagay pinaalaki mo langgam ginagawa mong ipis yung ipis ginagawa mong ibon ewan ko ba sayo ano bang problema mo ha ano bang nangyayari sayo hindi na nakakatuwa yang ginagawa mo alam mo nagbabalak pa lang tayong pumunta dito weird ka na ngayong nandito na tayo ayan ka na naman alam mo napipikon na ako Clarita naiinis na ako malapit na akong maubusan ng pasensya.

Wow. Looks like there's a bigger bitch than Clarita.

So after 10 years na hindi umuwi si Clarita a lot has changed. Patay na ang kanilang Itay. Hindi na sya makilala much ng kanilang Inay. And yung kapatid nya, asawa na ng ex nya. Ang saya nito.

On the surface okay naman si Jacinta at Clarita but you can tell there's something underneath na iniiwasan nilang pag-usapan... there's a hint of malice... a coldness...

Jacinta: Ilang taon mong boss si Joey?
Clarita: Asawa ko sya.
Jacinta: Hindi ba ganun yun. Kapag napangasawa mo na, boss mo na. Si Peping kulang na lang, subuan ko.
Clarita: Sabagay, bata pa lang tayo, mapagsilbi ka na.

Kung subtle si Jacinta, Peping is like...

Peping: *walks in angrily for no reason*
Clarita: Peping, ito pala pasalubong ko sayo.
Peping: NAKUKUHA PA NG TAWAS ANG AMOY KO HINDI KO KAILANGAN NG PABANGO!
Jacinta: Clarita pasensya ka na sa bayaw mo.
Peping: HOY JACINTA HUWAG MO AKONG IPAGHIHINGI NG PAUMANHIN KAHIT KANINO!
Me: Peping, fucking take it down a bit. Bakit ba lagi kang #attacked?

Peping is the ultimate DONTME na feeling laging inaapi kahit hindi naman, so he's always on the offensive. Si Clarita yung typical may tinatago kaya erratic ang behavior. Si Joey yung clueless conyo who doesn't know what he got himself into.

And Jacinta, she's... weird.

Jacinta whistles while plucking malunggay leaves.

Jacinta ikaw ang bida but you're creeping me out.

Ayan dinnertime na underneath a single light bulb na somehow nailawan ang buong dining room:


Jacinta: Nay kain ka na po.
Aling Almeda: Baka mabusog ako, walang kasabay kumain ang Itay nyo.
Jacinta: Baka kumain na ho yon sa kaibigan nya.
Aling Almeda: Wala syang kaibigan. Hindi sya umaalis ng bahay.
Clarita: Talaga! Ikaw lang naman ang alis nang alis!
Me: Wwwwwaaait Hold up... where is this coming from?
Joey: Bakit hindi natin dalhin ang Inay sa Maynila?
Peping: BAKIT PA?
Joey: Well,--
Peping: DITO SA AMIN, ANG WELL, BALON! HINDI GAMOT ANG KAILANGAN NG INAY, KUNDI PAGMAMAHAL. NAIBIGAY NA YUN NI JACINTA. SI CLARITA NA LANG ANG KULANG!
Me: Kumakain pa yung Nanay nyo respeto naman guys.
Clarita: Hindi na kami magtatagal.
Peping: GANYAN KA NAMAN EH. PALIBHASA MAY NUNAL SA TALAMPAKAN.
Joey: Nunal?
Peping: HINDI MO ALAM MGA NUNAL NG ASAWA MO? TALO PA PALA KITA EH.
Me: Wow what the fuck that escalated quickly.

Pansin ko lang ha, lahat ng usapan, nagsisimula sa inosenteng bagay, nauuwi sa sigawan match like WTF there's no chill in here. Pwede ba??? Mula almusal hanggang hapunan ganyan kayo?

So next doon naman sila sa bakuran, hindi pa sila tapos:

Peping: BAKIT KA PA BUMALIK? HINDI MO MAKUKUHA ANG LUPANG PINAGHIRAPAN NAMIN NG ATE MO!
Clarita: Wala akong balak na kunin! Palalagyan lang ng titulo something ganyan.
Peping: BUMALIK KA NA SA PALASYO MO AT DOON HUMIGA SA PERA!
Clarita: Naghirap rin ako sa Maynila. Nagworking student ako dahil kulang ang padala ng Ate. Pumapasok ako na pudpod ang sapatos!
Peping: MAY SAPATOS KA? ANG ATE MO NAKAPAA.

Meanwhile, through the open window...



Joey: Bakit hindi malapit ang mother nyo kay Clarita?
Jacinta: Hindi malapit ang mother namin kahit kanino, kahit kay Itay. Kasi buhos na buhos ang oras nya sa simbahan kaya wala na syang panahon sa amin. Pakiramdam nga ni Clarita, walang nagmamahal sa kanya.
Joey: Ikaw?
Jacinta: Hindi ako mapagtanim eh. Ayaw kong mabuhay sa kahapon.#FORESHADOWING #LIES
Joey: Sometimes I feel may itinatago si Clarita sa akin.
Jacinta: Ay naku mahirap ang ganun. Hindi ko kaya na may tinatago.
Aling Almeda: *SCREAMS!!!* Anak nakita ko ang mga sulat, nabasa ko sila!
Joey: Ano ang mga sulat na iyon?
Jacinta: Ah wala, wala yun. Wala lang yun parang tanga tong si Inay. Wala... Wala promise.
Me: Tsk tsk Jacinta ah, may tinatago ka sa amin ha hmmm kakasabi mo lang ha....

Kinabukasan... as in umagang-umaga kakagising pa lang nila... nagpapaturo si Jacinta kay Clarita kung paano gamitin ang pasalubong nyang make-up.

Clarita: Ate, anong naalala mo noong mga bata pa tayo... dito sa bahay...
Me: Oh no Clarita don't fucking start wala pang 6:30AM
Jacinta: Naiinggit ako sa iyo noon eh. Kasi ako, sa labas natutulog mag-isa, samantalang ikaw, diyan sa tabi ng Inay at Itay.
Me: Uh-oh here we go.
Clarita: Ano pa? Ano pang natatandaan mo? Yung mga nangyayari dito sa bahay?
Jacinta: Seen 6:26AM


Jacinta: Bakit wala pa kayong anak?
Clarita: Natatakot ako. Paano ko mamahalin kung lalaki. Kapag babae naman, paano kung mapalapit sya sa asawa ko?
Jacinta. Aah, akala ko dahil kay Inay, kasi namamana daw ang sakit nya. Kapag may isang luka-luka sa pamilya, sigurado meron pang isa.
Me: Ang mean!

Jacinta has some dark, deep seated issues. I  ~literally~ cannot.

Meanwhile, sa bakuran, as in 10 steps away...

Joey: Pare...
Peping: WALA AKONG ANAK. KUNG MERON MAN, HINDI KITA KUKUNING NINONG! *angrily walks out*
Joey: Nakikipagkaibigan lang ako sayo.
Peping: PUMUNTA LANG KAYO DITO PARA HAMAKIN AT KUTYAIN KAMI!
Me: Peping oh my fucking god.

I need water. OK going back.



Peping: TANGGALIN MO NGA YANG KOLORETE SA MUKHA MO!
Me: Oo nga Jacinta naman bakit ka nagsasaka na naka-blue eyeshadow sa ilalim ng araw.

You know the mildest, gentlest, most well-mannered people, they take all your bullshit in quietly pero the moment sumabog sila and they choose to have a meltdown, they do it in the most embarrassing time and place - sa sakahan in front of all the farmers.

Jacinta: PALAGI NA LANG GANITO ANG BUHAY KO! BIGAY NANG BIGAY! ASIKASO NANG ASIKASO SA IBA! WALA NAMANG NAGPAPASALAMAT SA AKIN!
Me: Uh, guys? I suggest you don't do that here in front of everyone, because...

Chismosa 1: Luh kawawa ka naman Jacinta... chos
Jacinta: Anong gagawin ko, mahal ko ang asawa ko at ang kapatid ko???
Chismosa 2: Wag kang mamili! Ang syang pinakasalan ang pakikisamahan hanggang kamatayan!
Me: Alam nyo kayo, hindi kayo nakakatulong. You don't even advance the plot.

A little later sa beach...

Joey: Bakit kayo nagbreak ni Peping?
Clarita: Hindi kasi ako nakapagpaalam sa kanya noong umalis ako. Wala syang sinagot ni isang sulat ko sa kanya. Minsan lang sya sumulat para sabihing hindi na kami bagay, na si Jacinta na ang pakakasalan nya.
Me: Damn isa syang asshole.

Then doon sa bahay a similar conversation is happening...

Jacinta: Anong sasabihin ko kay Clarita tungkol sa titulo?
Peping: LOLOKOHIN NYA LANG TAYO!
Jacinta: Hindi ganun si Clarita.
Peping: MINSAN NYA NA AKONG NILOKO. SINUSULATAN KO SYA NOON. WALA SYANG SINAGOT NI ISA. HINDI BA'T IKAW ANG PINAGDADALA KO PARA SIGURADONG MAKARATING?
Jacinta: *is quiet* *goddamn crickets up in here*
Me: Uh oh... Oh no... I think I know the plot...

Peping: KUNG HINDI KA MAGIINGAT, KUKUNIN NYA ANG LUPA.

Maingat ako Peping. Kung ano ang akin, akin.

Yo listen up Peping. Seryoso na si Jacinta in bold letters.


May time pa ba for a monologue? Of course meron, sa sementeryo sa puntod ni Itay:

Jacinta: Itay bakit sya ganun? Maganda naman na ang buhay nya. Bakit lagi nyang kinukuha ang akin. Alam ko hindi lang naman ang lupa ang habol nya, kundi si Peping. Bakit kung sino ang mahal ko, yun ang pilit nyang inaangkin?

All these back and forth bangayan is just creating more and more tension and muddying up the waters between the sisters and their partners and you can just tell that Jacinta has had it up to here, malapit na sya sa boiling point and Clarita you better watch your back because your wig is about to be SNATCHEDT swear to God.

Clarita: Joey, kapag ba may nalaman ka tungkol sa akin, magbabago ka?
Joey: Bakit ba ang hilig mong magpaligoy-ligoy, just go straight to the point!

Jacinta: Mahal mo pa ba si Clarita?
Peping: IKAW ANG PINAKASALAN KO!
Jacinta: Kung sakaing may nalaman kang isang bagay na ginawa ko, hindi mo ba ako iiwan?

It's basically the movie Closer, just dirtier and with more problematic characters, and add malunggay. Pagsamahin mo ang issues ni Jacinta at ang issues ni Clarita, idagdag pa ang issues ni Peping at sariling issues ni Joey, mas marami pa silang issues keysa sa Reader's Digest.

Suddenly, Joey can't take it anymore. Kinompronta nya si Peping over some trivial stuff na OF COURSE nauwi sa suntukan, until...


Hala wait. Bakit ganyan...

Afterwards, sa dayamihan:

Jacinta: Peping magpaalam ka na kina Clarita, paalis na sila.
Peping: AANHIN KO SYA?
Me: I'm getting tired. Kapagod kayo.
Jacinta: Yakapin mo ako kagaya noong umalis si Clarita.
Peping: ANO BA JACINTA!
Jacinta: Diba minsan mo akong sinubukan? Nalaman mong mas masarap ako magmahal Peping diba? Kaya ako na lang ang minahal mo diba?
Peping: GUSTO MO BANG MALAMAN ANG TOTOO? NABALING ANG PAGTINGIN KO SAYO NANG MAWALA ANG MAHAL KO. SINUBUKAN KITANG MAHALIN PERO SI CLARITA PA RIN ANG MAHAL KO!
Me: OH SHI--
Jacinta: Nagbibiro ka Peping!


And then Peping delivers the death blow.

Fucking Peping: SABIHIN LANG NI CLARITA NA KAILANGAN PA NYA AKO, KAHIT TAGASILBI, MALUWAG KONG TATANGGAPIN MAKITA KO LANG SYA ARAW-ARAW.

Holy shet and I mean ho-ly-fuc-king-shet.

I kinda lost track for a bit sa gulat because you know, Peping, isang oras ka nang galit-galitan ganyan-ganyan tapos may bigla kang reveal qaqo! Before I knew it, kausap na ni Peping si Clarita.

Peping: *Now talks in small caps* Ikaw ang unang lumimot sa akin bhie...
Clarita: Ikaw ang nagpakasal sa kapatid ko hmpft
Peping: Ni isang sulat ko wala kang sinagot...
Clarita: Ako ang panay ang sulat sa iyo, ipinaabot ko pa sa Ate...

*silence*

Peping and Clarita: LUH?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Me: Jacinta I got some news for you. Basically you're fucked.

So at this point malinaw na ang lahat. Pilit pinaghiwalay ni Jacinta sina Peping at Clarita para mapasakanya ito. Pinag-aral nya si Clarita sa Maynila, even if it means sacrificing her own right to have an education, para lang mapasakanya si Peping. At ngayon, ang big reveal: mahal pa rin ni Peping si Clarita!!! DAMN ANG XAKIT XAKIT.

That must be it right? May big confrontation, mapapakamatay si Jacinta or some funny shit happens, magkakabalikan si Clarita and Peping, may malaking kasalan, Joey can go fuck himself, tapos may sayawan sa beach.

The End.

Nope, there's more. Brace yourselves because you're gonna shit.

Syempre merong flashback. Prepare the wigs.

*From here on I'll try to keep it as close to the exact script dahil gusto kong maranasan nyo ang umaatikabong movie linesssssst*

Arcadio: Tinago mo ang mga sulat ng kapatid mo?
Jacinta: Huwag mo akong saktan Itay!
Arcadio: Saan sya nagpunta? Saan sya nakatira!
Jacinta: Bakit ba gusto nyong malaman?
Aling Almeda: Para maparating namin kay Clarita na napunta na sa iyo si Peping!


Arcadio: Hindi basta napunta sa kanya si Peping! Inagaw nya!



Jacinta: Lalong hindi ko sya inagaw! Siniguro ko lang na sa isang desenteng katulad ko sya mapupunta at hindi sa isang PUTA!

Me: WHAT.

Jacinta: Bakit, hindi nyo matanggap na puta sya? Gusto nyo ulitin ko, ipagsigawan ko? Pwes, makinig kayo at lalakasan ko pa! Puta sya! Puta ang mahal nyong anak!
Aling Almeda: Nakikiusap ako tama na!

Jacinta: Inay, kailangang malaman nyo! Si Itay mismo ang kasiping ng bunso ninyo!

Me: FUCK THIS!!!!11111

Arcadio: Jacinta magtigil ka!
Aling Almeda: Hayup ka! Demonyo ka! Buhay ka pa sinusunog ka na sa impyerno hayup ka!
Arcadio: At kasama kita sa mainit na apoy! Malayo sa malamig na santong batong kinababaliwan mo!

Arcadio: Dalhin mo ako sa kapatid mo!
Jacinta: Hindi! Ayoko! Ayoko!
Arcadio: Maawa sa kanya! Wala syang ikinabubuhay!
Jacinta: Meron, pinadadalhan ko, kumukupit ako sa benta ng palay!
Arcadio: Walanghiya ka talaga!

Jacinta: Walanghiya na kung walanghiya! Mangyari na ang mangyayari, mabubulok ang pagnanasa mo kay Clarita, hindi mo na sya magagalaw muli! Puta! Puta ang mahal mong anak! Puta! Putaaa!

ME: ๐Ÿ…ต๐Ÿ†„๐Ÿ…ฒ๐Ÿ…บ ๐Ÿ…ผ๐Ÿ…ด๐Ÿ…ด๐Ÿ…ด Huhu tama na auq nua

Sabay itinulak ni Jacinta ang Itay nya sa kubo, kung saan may nakasabit na jungle bolo? Not sure what the fuck that is basta anyway:


Aling Almeda: Patay na ang Itay mo! Patay na sya! Pinatay mo sya!


Jacinta: Kayo ang pumatay sa amin. Sa lahat ng panahong nagkulang kayo bilang asawa't ina. Wala kayong alam kundi mag-ilaw ng mga santo sa simbahan at kapilya samantalang ang sarili nyong bahay iniiwanan nyong madilim! Wala na kayong pupuntahan Inay! Kahit saan kayo magsuot, kailangan nyo ang katotohanang kayo ang nagtulak kay Itay para bumaling kay Clarita! Akuin nyo ngayon ang dilim ng kanyang kamatayan!

Me: Mga putangina nyo ang gulo ng pamilya nyo.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm shaking.  And just when I thought okay na and we can all calm ourselves down, tapos na oh no...

Would you believe we've only just begun????

... sapagkat....

Jacinta: Hindi nyo binigay sakin ang buhay nyo. Pero ngayon, patay ka na masosolo na kita. Wala nang ibang magmamahal sa iyo ngayon kundi ako na lang. Akin ka. Akin ka...






Me: No... no.... NO NO NO p̸̨̧̛̦̯̝̲͓̬̱̎̈̿̎͆̔̈̂̏̒̽͘̚͠ṵ̷̡̢͍̩̼̰͇̫̳͖̯͓͕̒̆̋̓͒͑̈́͆͝ṭ̶̦̯͆a̷̢̬̭̪̹̟͇̻͔͊͂̊͐̈́͗͗̂̄̂͋͜͝͝n̴̢̡̦͍̼̿g̵̢̨̜̰͇̺͎͒͊͒̀̔̅̔͂̏͋͗̈́ḯ̴̢̦̻͍̗͍̖̙̝̈́͒͂̋̓͆̂̓ͅͅń̴͔̞͉͔͖̟̹͇͉͓̰̅̉́̓͛ͅā̶̘̼̗̮̬͇̇̃̾͝ ̷̳͎͖̹̲̰̗̦̟̜̹̌̀̀́͂͌̏͝͝k̸̢̨̢̯̝̻̰͓͖͈̣̱̉͊̔͒͊̓͒̈́̉̈̓́͐̄͆a̶̮̙̤̘͇̥̱͍̻̮̫̾͊̃͆̒̈́͗̊̓̚ͅ COVER YOUR EYES






`•.,¸¸,.•´¯ Jesus Christ JACINTA!!! ¯`•.,¸¸,.•´

Sabay kaming sumigaw ni Armida Siguion Reyna.

Me: Stop it stop it di ko na kayaaaa *faints sideways* *arte lang*

End of flashback, and we're back sa sementeryo.

The end. ษชษด๊œฑแด‡ส€แด› แดแดแด ษชแด‡ ส€แด‡แด ษชแด‡แดก สœแด‡ส€แด‡




Just kidding.

Hindi pa tapos!!!!!!!

Clarita: Jacinta Nakakadiri ka!
Me: Finally someone said it.

Jacinta: Naroroon ako at naririnig ko kayo. Kasiping ka sa kama samantalang ako magisang natutulog sa sahig. Inalagaan ka ng Itay, ibinigay nya lahat sayo na dapat para sa akin dahil ako ang panganay na anak. Kung ako na nga ang gumagawa sa loob ng bahay, inako ko na pati tungkulin ng Inay, bakit hindi pati maging asawa ng Itay? Kasi kinuha mo pati ang karapatang iyon!

And these lines gave way to the Best Catfight in the History of Philipine Cinemaso I clipped it, exported it, uploaded it and pasted it here for you Kids so YOU BETTER FUCKING WATCH IT PUTANGINA HUH MAIKLI ANG PASENSYA KO TODAY




Marami pang nangyari pero wala na akong enerhiyang magkwento guys ubos na ubos na ako. Bilisan ko na lang. Yung scene na pinupuri ng Pari si Aling Almeda, flashback pala yun. Because on that day, lingid sa kanyang kaalaman dahil busy sya sa simbahan, hinahalay na naman pala ng asawa nya ang kanilang anak na si Clarita. Nang manlaban si Clarita at nakatakbo palayo, frustrated si Itay, and in comes Jacinta na nagvovolunteer na sya na lang (WTF). And nireject sya ni Arcadio, spawning in Jacinta a deep-seated hatred and insecurity and insatiable lust and a will to avenge herself ganyan, culminating in that spectacular sampalan scene.

Updates na lang kasi pagod na talaga ako.

Nagkaayos na sina Clarita at Peping, at pinili ni Clarita ang kanyang asawang si Joey. Bumalik na sila sa Maynila kasama si Aling Almeda. Naiwan si Peping para alagaan si Jacinta, na nag-regress to childhood, living out her darkest incest fantasies na maging kabit ng kanyang ama, and Peping plays the role. The fuckedupness just won't quit.

Wow. Just, wow. It really went there. I think this is the reason hindi natin ito napapanood sa TV (duh you think) so I guess an ABS-CBN restoration is not gonna happen?

As for the violence in that fight scene, ang masasabi ko lang ay *buntong-hininga* FuuuuuucK. Walang acting-acting. Sapakan kung sapakan. (Legend has it, totoong magkagalit sina Maricel and Snooky so yan ang resulta). Somewhere, Dorina and Lavina are like, "WHAT THE FUCK BES", drinking the wine na dapat isasaboy nila sa isa't-isa.

And that one-take rolling shot is nothing short of iconic.

I really liked how dark the story went, but of course it won't get fleshed out without the mastery of the four major players. Eric Quizon, to be fair to him, kuhang-kuha nya yung maarteng cityboy. Tirso Cruz III threw major bitch fits every few minutes, so when he did a 180 and showed tenderness, it was so unsettling, ang galing. Snooky Serna showed serious chops, hindi rin nagpatalo, kahit yung jawline nya umaarte. May scene na naglalakad sya while delivering a serious line tapos muntikan syang matumba dahil natisod sya sa lubak but she delivered that line like a pro.

And Maricel Soriano... every second her face is on the screen is just art. Every twitch, every glare, every subtle switch between the meek wife and the scheming bitch. And her pivotal meltdown scene. Hindi ko makalimutan.

Overall I liked this movie although I'm so scarred and I'm still experiencing side effects.

In the last scene, syempre merong final input:


Chismosa 1: Ang bait talaga nyang si Peping ano girl?
Chismosa 2: Korek cyst. Napakaswerte ni Jacinta sa kanya.
Chismosa 3: Sayang at hindi si Clarita ang kanyang nakatuluyan
Me: Mga putangina nyo ayaw nyong tumigil.

Ayan I fixed the title:



Special thanks to Sir Jek Josue David for making this possible LOL.

tatlong taong walang diyos


Okay so recently may napanood ako sa Netflix, isang brutal na pelikulang pinamagatang Revenge. Tungkol ito sa babaeng ginahasa and tinangkang patayin, ngunit hindi sya mamatay-matay at naghiganti sya nang wagas. Sobrang daming harsh scenes that made me squirm (arte lang) like may natusok ng kahoy sa tiyan, may nakatapak ng bubog, may lumabas na bituka ganyan ETC so after mapanood ito naghanap ako ng feel good romantic comedy chick flick ganyan.


Sakto naman ito ang palabas sa TV. So nanood ako. Wala akong idea eh. Tatlong taong walang diyos? Hmmm incheesting... Sounds fun? I don't know. Naka-pigtails si Nora Aunor. Exciting.


PUTA WALA PANG 30 MINUTES NIRERAPE NA SI NORA AUNOR.

So ang mga kaganapang ito ay noong 1940s noong sepia colored pa ang mundo. Ang indication na lumang pelikula talaga ito: may buhok pa si Bembol Roco. Ang karakter nya ay si Crispin na isang gerilya(?) at aalis siya para lumaban sa gyera so nagpapaalam na sya sa kanyang kasintahang nakapigtails, si Rosario.

The next day habang nakadungaw si Rosario sa bintana dumaan yung friend nyang extra tapos sabi ni Friend "Huy Rosario umalis ka na diyan, balita ko ginagahasa ng mga Hapon ang mga kababaihan, lalo na ang magaganda!"

"So wala kang dapat ikatakot!" sabi ni Rosario, throwing some serious shade. Joke lang. Pero sabi nya "Hindi yan!" at hindi sya nagpatinag sa pagdungaw nya sa bintana during wartime.

Kinagabihan dumating si Christopher de Leon. Ang karakter nya ay half-Japanese na ang pangalan ay Masoogie (spelling?) kasama ang bestfriend (wink*wink) nyang si Dr Francis na kasama nya hanggang sa pag-ihi. Kumatok sila sa bahay ni Rosario at naghanap ng inumin. Inalok naman ng Tatay ni Rosario ang kanilang lambanog. Maya-maya nalasing na si Masoogie.

"Ubusin nyo na yan at umalis na kayo!" sabi ni Rosario. Hala si Masoogie lasing na lasing. Unang kita pa lang nya sa pigtails ni Rosario tinamaan kaagad sya. Gandang ganda. Takam na takam.

Hinabol nya, dinakma, dinala sa bodega at ginahasa si Rosario.

Tapos matapos nyang gahasain saka nagtanong si Masoogie "Anong pangalan mo?" what an asshole.

By the way, here are some screenshots. LITERAL na screenshots, pinipicturan ko ang TV. I hope I don't get in trouble for this LOLX SOWEE.



Syempre nagpupuyos sa galit si Rosario. VIRGIN KAYA SYA! ALAM MO BA KUNG GAANO KAHIRAP IMAINTAIN YUN??? Tapos ganun ganun lang. Nirereserve nya kaya to kay Crispin. Kaya tuwing babalik si Massogie sa bahay nila para mag-sorry (as in "SORRY LASING AKO NUN TSAKA ANG GANDA GANDA MO EH" like a proper rapist) eh binabato ni Rosario lahat ng object na maabot nya. Kulang na lang pati yung Nanay nyang konsintidora naibato nya na rin.

Masoogie: "Patawarin mo ako!"
Rosario: "Putangina mowaahhh!" -- Syempre lip reading lang, ni-mute ng ABS CBN yung words, but for clarity, ako na lang ang nag-assume ng mga sinabi nya from here on to properly tell this story.

Dumating si Masoogie may dalang bigas.
Rosario: "Kiking-ina moooohh gaguuuuuu" -- *sabay hagis ng bigas*

Yung Nanay ni Rosario, puta pinulot yung mga butil ng bigas. Taggutom kasi that time.

Eto pala si Mosoogie pag naka-uniform parang senior high school lang tapos parang tatay nya si Bembol.



Naglalaba si Rosario sa ilog tapos dumating si Masoogie.
Rosario: Hoooyyyy fuuuckkk youuuuu ka *sabay hagis ng labada eh di madumi na ulit?*

Masoogie: *niyakap si Rosario*
Rosario: "Bitiwan mowaahh akowaaahh! Nasasaktan akowwahhh!"
Masoogie: "Bakit ba???"
Rosario: "Buntis ako!"

Awww. Yun lang.

Yung Nanay ni Rosario nakakita ng opportunity: "Kalimutan mo na si Crispin patay na yun! Bakit ba galit na galit ka kay Masoogie! Eto nga ang dami nyang regalo sa atin."

Rosario: "Ayoko ng mga regalo nya."
Nanay: "Pero kinakain mo!" Hinard sya ng Nanay nya.

Kaaway ang mga Hapon. Pinapatay nila ang mga Pilipino. So kung tatanggapin ni Rosario si Masoogie, magagalit ang buong barangay.

Taong-bayan: "HOOOY TRAYDOOOR KA ASAWA NG HAPONNNN"
Nanay: "Deadma na."

Mapilit si Masoogie ah. Lakas ng tama nya kay Rosario. Wala na yung hangover ng lambanog pero gustong gusto nya talaga si Rosario.

"Bakit ba mahal mo ako?" tanong ni Rosario.
"Hindi ko alam, basta ang alam ko mahal kita!"

WOOOW sweet imagine your rapist telling you that.

Niyakap ni Masoogie si Rosario.
"Bitiwan mo aqquuuhhh!"

Masoogie walks away tapos bago lumabas sa pinto sabi nya "Mahal kita..." sabay alis.
*crickets*
*crickets*
after 3 minutes
"SINUNGALING!!! SINUNGALING KA!" Ang tagal nagsink in kay Rosario.



So nanganak si Rosario and one time gusto nya na itapon sa bangin yung baby pero nagbago ang isip nya tapos nagsimula na syang maniwala na mahal talaga siya ni Masoogie.



Tapos medyo na-enjoy nya pa yung perks of having a Japanese husband kasi nung pinatay ng mga Hapon lahat ng matatandang kalalakihan sa baryo nila except yung tatay ni Rosario kasi nga kakampi sila so that's nice I guess.

Hala one day guess who walked in.



Crispin. Buhay pa sya. Ang iniwan nyang girlfriend, ngayon ay asawa na ng Hapon at may anak na. Ang lungkot lungkot nya.

PASOK MOIRA! *Malaya ka na...*


"Mahal mo ba xa?"

Pinigtas ni Crispin ang rosary. Eh diba Rosario ang name nya! HALA FORESHADOWING?

Kinasal sina Masoogie at Rosario. Nag-honeymoon sila. Tapos one day just for fun pinatay ng mga taong bayan ang mga magulang ni Rosario kasi nga traydor daw sila. Nanaig ang poot sa puso ni Rosario kaya naman...


"Tatlong taong walang diyos mga ulul!" 

Meanwhile may gyera pa rin.




Gyera time, gyera things etc.

So hinabol sila ng mga sundalo tapos...



Let's talk about Francis. Si Francis na bestfriend ni Masoogie. Sa pagtakas nila nabaril si Francis.

And then in the next scene nagtatago sa kubo si Rosario at nagluto sya ng nilagang buto-buto...



WTF INULAM NYO SI FRANCIS!

Hala natunton sila ng mga taong bayan. Hilarity ensues.



Pinatay ng mga taongbayan si Masoogie. Tumakas uli si Rosario at humingi ng tulong kay Father.

"Father natatakot po ako."
"Bakit hindi mo subukang magdasal?"
"Kasi diba nga tatlong taong walang diyos? Pero sige itry ko po yan."


So pumunta si Rosario sa simbahan para magdasal...


...kung saan sya kinuyog ng mga taongbayan.



"Pahamak ka Father!!!"

Ang dami nila tapos mag-isa lang si Rosario. By the way...

Anong sinabi ng mother!

Anong sinabi ni Malena...


Si Rosario ang nauna. #trendsetter

Binigyan ng taongbayan si Rosario ng nanay haircut. Mabuti naman gupit lang. Akala ko sya na isusunod ng mga mamamatay-tao nyang ka-barangay.

Then some thing incheesting happend. So may commercials right?



TAPOS BIGLANG...


WAIT WAIT HOLD UP WTF ANYARE?

Marumi at patay na si Rosario WHAT HAPPENED I feel like I missed something here.

To end, may tanong si Crispin kay Father.


"Bakit ganito Father? Tatlong taon. Walang Diyos."


"Hindi Crixpn ang Diyos ay hindi nawala masdan mo ang bulag masdan mo ang pilay araw-araw silang nandito at sila ay nagdarasal at masdan mo kayong tatlo nina Rosario at Masoogie dahil sa tatlong taon ang pagmamahal ninyo ay hindi nawala sa inyong puso at ito ang nagbibigay sa atin ng lakas upang tayo ay mabuhay..."


"Ah."

THE END.

Ang Tatlong Taong Walang Diyos ay isang chick flick in the-more-you-hate-the-more-you-love kind of way, na sinahugan ng gyera, rape, at patayan. At cannibalism.

Seriously though this is a true Filipino cinematic classic SABEEE BIGLANG BUMAWI.


"UTUSAN WTF Hindi nyo man lang ako nabigyan ng pangalan?!?!" -- Estrella

sana dalawa ang puso and the concept of duality

Over the years, themes of duality have been explored and exploited in film and TV. ABS-CBN’s early 2018 offering, Sana Dalawa Ang Puso, is its latest endeavor to go down this familiar path. Not to be instantly judged as a misstep though, because every generation seems to give birth to an iconic duo - bitter rivalries between polar opposites, tragedy-stricken twins separated at birth, archetypes of good and evil caught in everlasting battles – they sometimes end up becoming the pairs that define a generation. Duality is a rich motif. Rivalries are entertaining when done right, and sometimes even when not. Twin-centered series never go out of fashion - admittedly it is fun to watch especially when twin characters are being played by the same actor/actress, adding a layer of cinematic wonder to the scene.

Sana Dalawa Ang Puso is a promising rom-com which may or may not adhere to a tried and tested formula, but what's clear is that it clings to a recurring theme: the number 2. From its title, to its official hashtag (#nalilitwo), to Jodi Sta Maria playing two different characters. Two faces, two pairs intersecting at some midpoint, two romances to follow – this is duality at the most obvious level, but the theme runs a lot deeper and in more subtle ways.

For a better understanding, let’s have a quick recap of the events so far.

The Switch

Lisa Laureano (Jodi Sta Maria), the only daughter of a cosmetics mogul, is about to take the helm of the family business. As the company faces its downfall, her father comes up with an unexpected maneuver: merge with their biggest competitor. In exchange for the merger that will save their faces, Lisa finds herself a helpless pawn as she is forced to marry the scion of the competition, who is also her bitter ex, Martin Co.

Martin Co (Richard Yap) is one of Manila’s most eligible: young, wealthy, and wildly successful. The merger and forced wedding align with everything he wanted in life, as he has long been smitten with Lisa. The short relationship they had in their youth ended in a falling out and he is yet to earn Lisa’s forgiveness, a feat he can’t seem to accomplish because Lisa’s attention is somewhere else. Unknown to Martin and Lisa's father, she is actively running shady schemes to outwit them in their game of control.

Leo Tabayoyong (Robin Padilla) enters the picture, an undercover window cleaning serviceman assigned to the Laureano building. A series of encounters bring him and Lisa close, and he shows Lisa a world so much different from her own. His simple life of freedom is a distraction which highlights Lisa’s helplessness in her impending wedding and marriage to Martin.

Mona Bulalayao (also Jodi Sta Maria) is a barrio cockfighting kristo. As she flees her past, she runs into Lisa, and with this encounter comes the biggest shock of their lives: they look exactly alike.  Immediately Lisa sees an opportunity: she can escape from her father to arrange her own merger. If she succeeds, her company will be saved, and she will not have to marry Martin. The only way she can do this is with Mona's help. After a rushed makeover, Mona takes Lisa's place in the company, in her family, and in Martin’s doomed union.

Martin, Leo and Mona - all their paths converge with Lisa as she plays the biggest con of her life in her bid for freedom and happiness, but at what cost?



The show taps into the morning demographic, the same crowd ABS-CBN won over with Be Careful With My Heart. I didn't like BCWMH (mainly because Maya is overly sweet, beyond what is humanly possible) but I am hooked with S2P. My mother serves a daily episode recap along with our breakfast. Our favorite is Mona, she is just a riot. Put her in a scene with  Sharamdara the rooster and we're all set.

How does S2P stand out from its overplayed genre? Does it freshen up our idea of duality, or will it be just another  forgettable kambalserye?

First of all, we aren’t even sure if Mona and Lisa are in fact twins.

Mona has unclear birth origins and her parents keep it a secret, with a ruby encrusted necklace being the only clue to her identity. There's a chance she is related to Lisa, whose mother died a long time ago. But at the same time, S2P opened with the premise that every person has at least seven lookalikes in the world. It might just be a big coincidence, a cosmic joke played on Mona and Lisa. Does this mean ABS-CBN is veering away from the “separated-at-birth” structure? They might be twins, or may be just lookalikes. It’s too early to say, and honestly, this uncertainty is part of the charm.

To understand that charm deeper requires a closer look into each of the characters. Mona and Lisa symbolize the full spectrum of being a female. Leo and Martin represent the traditional and modern ideas of masculinity. As we navigate their ins and outs, a puzzle reveals itself, and all pieces will begin to take shape and fall into place.

The Players

Lisa is not your typical damsel in distress: her castle is the Laureano Group of Companies; her father is the wicked captor; but her knight in shining armor is not necessary, because Lisa is not going to wait for a savior. She will take matters into her own hands with her vicious “Boss-Ma’am” business persona.

Mona is the quintessential Filipino heroine, starting from the bottom and struggling through her journey. While Lisa represents the end goal – beautiful, ultra-feminine, powerful – Mona is the exact opposite: simple, oppressed, lacking in graces. Their only common denominator is that they are both strong females with indomitable fighting spirit. Mona will transform and emulate Lisa to encapsulate the Filipina ideal: strong, beautiful and happy. Lisa has had a taste of the simple life with Leo, and this just might be the escape she is longing for.

Leo is the ultimate Pinoy machoman man, complete with swagger and savior complex. He takes responsibilities left and right. His unbreakable sense of integrity takes him places, both good and bad. But att the core of his rugged exterior, he is just the utmost gentleman.

Martin is a big man-child lost in a world of adults, babied by his parents, caring yaya and loyal bodyguard. He is just going through the motions to fulfill his functions and obligations. He wants to be taken seriously, to triumph at something. Lisa is his hardest defeat yet. With no one else to turn to, he befriends the woman he hired to care for his prized rooster. That woman is Mona, and though they only talk via text, Mona inevitably falls for him.

Compare and Contrast

S2P plays on duality in two ways: parallels and opposites.

Leo and Mona are outsiders to Lisa and Martin’s world. Their lives mirror each other in two ways: familial love and constant peril. Their only access to Lisa and Martin is though their manual labor jobs. Both were born to disadvantage, clawing their way to get to the top through honest work. When they finally meet, will they appreciate this quality in each other?

Lisa and Martin are equals. Both born into money, both well-educated and successful in their own right, both a prime catch in a society where charity fundraiser galas are a weekend thing. Do their similar backgrounds automatically warrant a match? Or will it result to one of those failed marriages we every so often read about?

Lisa represents the upper echelon of society with her immaculate image while Mona, well, she hypes up fighting cocks, plays the mascot in costume parties, and plucks underarm hairs in her spare time. Will Lisa’s journey be in the complete opposite direction as Mona’s, spiraling down to the levels of poverty and simplicity she is not used to? Maybe we are yet to see Lisa riding a jeep or eating kwek-kwek, but as of last week, we have already seen Mona, disguised as Lisa, making her grand entrance in a black evening gown and everyone stops for a gaze.

Leo and Martin's professions convey their biggest difference in terms of our ideas of masculinity. Leo does manual labor work as a guise, but in truth he is part of a covert military operation. Martin studies how to market cosmetics. Leo courts danger with his undercover job, while Martin is preoccupied with his wedding. Leo puts his life on the line every day, relying only on his fighting skills. Martin mulls over his lovelife and texts Mona, “Ganun ba talaga ang nagmamahal, nasasaktan?”

Lisa and Martin, as part of the ruling elite, only interact with “the help” as far as they are concerned. It’s only when they get a taste of the real world beneath their pedestals that they will truly live. Mona and Leo are broadening their horizons, reaching places they were never a part of before. And these crossovers are what the fans are waiting for.

In exploring each character and their plight, it’s easy enough to draw where they’re coming from, basing on their opposite and parallel personas. The real fun starts when you try to guess where they are going next.

The Performances

Watching Jodi is a masterclass in acting. Her Lisa is the epitome of class and elegance, while her Mona simply steals every scene she is in. With Robin, you get what you sign up for, and his brand of machismo completes this puzzle. Richard, if anything, showed more versatility. He is yet to shed off his Daddy image (my mother still refers to him as Sir Chief) by playing Martin's character, who is supposedly much younger than the BCWMH character he came to be most known for, but he is doing that successfully. Torn between love and embarrassment, Richard's Martin deals with Lisa with desperation and constant heartbreak. You just can't help but feel sad for him, because of all four, he is the most miserable.

The series plays out like, surprisingly, like a fast-paced movie. It's far-removed from the saccharine sweetness of BCWMH and from Jodi's slapfest with her Amor Powers stint. With ABS-CBN's current serye lineup, it's the only one you can call feel-good. It's the kind of serye that doesn't dish out all its tricks at once. It gives some and then saves some. Three months into its run and we haven't even heard the theme song yet (meanwhile, the afternoon triplet-serye plays its "Ako'y ako na di dapat mawalan ng pag-asa" theme like a broken record).

S2P's strength is how it delivers the laughs so effortlessly, so naturally. It feels so light, but at the same time, well put together. We all know the show did not write itself. And we all know, easy-watching is hard-writing. This tight little package of a story, neat and tidy with no loose ends, is the product of thinking minds. This is not something you come up with over a weekend.

At the center of it all is pure comedy gold. Jodi does physical comedy well. She is the lifeblood of this whole gig. As one grandma of an officemate put it, this is the only time she liked Jodi. This is the truest testament of good writing and good acting: to change a lola's opinion of an actress.

What I appreciate most about S2P, apart from its carefully crafted meet-cutes, is how it breaks stereotypes for both men and women. Martin runs a makeup company. Leo lives in an all-girl household. Lisa takes action to grab her chances at freedom. And Mona, in cockfighting? You can't get any more badass than that.

What's next?

Fast-paced as it is, at this point the story is yet to complete its initial course. The characters have barely met and so far, only Lisa has met all three. Alliances are still being made and rivalries are just about to manifest. The dice have been cast but we're only seeing a few faces. As more combinations are thrown, we can look forward to more changing dynamics: will Mona meet Leo and eventually relate more to him? Will Lisa have a change of heart and let Martin win her over? Each pairing is as valid and promising as the other.

But the most important question lies in the title. It implies how a person deals with oneself when faced with making an important choice between two (again, the magic number) loves. A love triangle is forming, but who are the players? So far we have Mona with Martin, and Lisa with Leo, so what’s the problem?



In popular folklore, a doppelganger, a replica of a living person, is considered a bad omen. Meeting your own means impending death. Does this lend an answer to the question? Will things take this serious turn?

Sino ang maghahangad magkaroon ng dalawang puso? Sino ang #nalilitwo?
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