x-men: dark phoenix

Remember back in 2016 noong nagpost ako ng review (“review” LOL) ng X-Men Apocalypse tapos may mga nagalit sa akin at ininsulto pa ako so sabi ko “I don’t even get paid to do this shit so I don’t have to take shit from people who don’t even have a single fiber of creative shit in them and have not put any shit online but are super quick to judge other people’s shit so enough of this shit I will NEVER do this again”? Well, here’s another X-Men movie and here we are again.

Yup Jean I feel your pain.

To be honest after the last three X-Men movies which I did not really love (I prefer the original three with its much more formidable cast - Sir Patrick Stewart was not only picture-perfect as Professor X, he was actually likeable, Famke Janssen as Jean Grey was pretty solid, and Rebecca Romijn’s quiet Mystique truly inspired fear and awe, and well, mystique), hindi ako excited for the Dark Phoenix.

I truly gave it a chance ngunit nabigo ako. It just didn't give me the same thrill that I had when Nightcrawler raided the White House in X2, or the opening sequence in Days of Future Past, or when Mystique first came face to face with Wolverine, or when Storm delivered the immortal line "You know what happens to a toad when it gets struck by lightning? Same as anything else!" LOLJK But you know what I mean.

Ang daming sinabi. Eh ano naman? OK enough of the pleasantries, let’s do this.

So of course nagsimula ang movie with yet another origin story kung paano na-discover ni Jean Grey na powerful siya. To make it heartbreaking, aksidente nyang napatay ang mga magulang nya, so in order to protect her, kinupkop siya ni Professor X (played by James McAvoy) sa kanyang school for gifted students. “Gifted.”

Cut to grown-up Jean (Sophie Turner). She is now part of an elite group of mutants called the X-men, led by Professor X but really led by Mystique (Meryl Streep). Sa sobrang powerful nila, the President of the United States have them on speed dial. The space mission fucked up and the astronauts need to be rescued!

“We’re doing space missions now?” tanong ni Nightcrawler in one of his few lines. Sana nakapag-almusal siya today.

Ano pa nga ba at agad-agad puma-outer space ang X-Men at iniligtas ang mga astronauts. Of course may time constraint, so Quicksilver, pasok! Remember the slow-mo scene when he broke out Magneto from prison in Days of Future Past? It's the same scene but with more outer space and less fun.

Hala ngunit may something sa paligid, isang misteryosong enerhiya na nagbadyang ilagay ang mga buhay nila sa panganib kaya sinubukan ni Jean na ilabas ang kanyang gigil face at inabsorb ang buong enerhiya and that’s it BYE.

You know this early that it's one of those movies na ang "fight scenes" ay gigil faces with some lights swirling around. Labas ang ugat sa leeg para intense.

Meanwhile may isang alien race na napadpad sa Earth dahil gusto nilang angkinin ang enerhiyang naabosorb ni Jean. Yung leader nila sumanib sa katawan ng isang blonde (Iggy Azalea). Kailangan nyang mahanap si Jean at kunin yung power. Hindi ko nagets yung reasons basta kailangan niya there's no time to explain.

Hala pag-uwi nila Jean sa school not feeling well na si Jean, naging danger na siya sa ibang mutant classmates nya and kung ano-ano na ang narininig nyang boses. And then in a very telenovela twist, buhay pa ang Tatay niya! So pinuntahan niya and it went something like this:

Jean: Hi Dad.
Dad: Hi Jean my daughter.
Jean: What’s up?
Dad: I’m good but you’re dead to me.
Jean: Huhu.
Me: Finish him! Finish him Jean!

Maya-maya pa anjan na sila Professor X, Mystique, Cyclops, and the et ceteras. Syempre may speech na naman si Professor X habang ang iba ay *looks on fiercely* waiting for their turn to speak.

Jean: You lied to me!
Professor X: Hala hindi...
Me: Finish him! Finish him Jean! Patayin mo sila and the rest of this franchise!

So Mystique took it upon herself na kalmahin si Jean, and in a sudden turn of events napatay sya ni Jean.

Nightcrawler and Weather Girl *looks worried*.

End scene. One down.

After umulan habang nililibing si Mystique (can Storm be any more useless???) kinonfront ni Beast si Professor X.

Beast: Hoissttt kasalanan mo ito, nagsinungaling ka kay Jean, itinago mo ang katotohanan? Aminin mo ang kasalanan mo!
Professor X: Nope.

Jean is in an emotional turmoil which we see onscreen as walling habang umuulan while whispering Andumi2X Qoeh or something. So pinuntahan nya yung isang mutant na sinali lang sa movie para may presensya siya: si Magneto.

Of course kahit nakapambahay lang, Magneto floats around. Metal undies?

Jean: You used to hurt people, how did you stop?
Magneto: I hurt people so I stopped.
Me: Luh? Finish him Jean!

May mga kasamang mutants si Magneto na I didn't bother checking Wikipedia for. Yung isang babae,  (Plotwoman? I don't know) taga-announce lang ng kung sino ang paparating to advance the plot.

Remember in Avengers Endgame, hirap kang mag-decide kung kelan ka iihi, you don't want to miss anything? Not a problem here.

So may mga dumating na sundalo pinaghahanap si Jean. Nagalit na naman si Jean so kinontrol nya yung helicopters ng mga sundalo, pero gusto naman iligtas ni Magneto yung mga sundalo so kinontrol nya din. Umaatikabong gigil showdown ang labanan. Constipated face competition. Kapagod. Hanggang sa nainis na lang si Magneto.

Magneto: Leave! Leave me alone! Get out of my sight!
Jean: *floats away*

So maglalasing na lang si Jean sa isang bar. Dun sya natunton nung blonde alien. Inofferan ng kung ano-anong gusto nyang marinig reminiscent nung mga nagnenetworking sa coffee shop. You know how they sometimes manipulate you into bending into their will by creating urgency, insulting your current salary and fluffing your ego?

Alien: Are you A) A scared little girl who answers to a man in a chair? Or B) The most powerful creature in the planet?
Jean: Letter B. I'm in!

Meanwhile ipinaliwanag ni Beast kay Magneto, in great detail, ang mga kaganapan.

Beast: Jean killed Mystique so let's kill her.
Magneto: Oks.

Syempre karay-karay ni Professor X yung mga et ceteras nya tapos more more sunod naman din kay Magneto yung mga et ceteras nya. Hinanap nila si Jean, na inuwi ng alien sa kanyang bahay dahil may ipapakita daw siya.

Jean: I don't understand.
Alien: Here let me show you my Powerpoint presentation.
Jean: I understand now let's go.

So eventually nagkita-kita ang mga pwersa ni Professor X vs mga pwersa ni Magneto sa labas ng bahay for a confrontation unlike any other (LOL).

Professor X: Huwag mong gawin yan Magneto!
Magneto: Tigilan mo ko Charles may speech ka na naman! Nobody cares!
Professor X: Hindi ah. *starts speech about mutants being monsters*

OK fighting time. Syempre kanya-kanya silang pakitang gilas:

May mutant na may dreadlocks, feel na feel lang niya yung buhok niya.
Beast jumps around and is colored blue.
Si kinginang Storm ewan. Parang yes or no lang ang narinig ko sa kanya dito sa pelikulang ito.
Tapos yung isang babaeng mutant na semi-kalbo, what exactly is she doing???
Ang pinakapagod si Nightcrawler goddamn ginawa nila siyang transpo. Tuwing may pupuntahan, kakapit sa kanya? Tawagin na lang natin siyang Angkas.

Sa loob ng bahay...

Alien: Jean, feel the power inside you!

Me: That's a decent tagline for a vibrator ad.

So nagharap na si Jean and Magneto and it was almost too easy. Then turn naman ni Professor X. Mag-iispeech sana sya uli kaso hindi sya nagkachance. Typing this is exhausting.

Alien: Your lives mean nothing.

Wow a quote I can print and hang on my wall. I love it.

Hala maya-maya niraid sila ng pulis can you believe? Nirestrain sila at dinala somewhere. Tinatamad na talaga ako. Natauhan na si Jean at iniligtas sila so fight scene na with the aliens sa train. Laser laser si Cyclops tapos hinagin sila ni Storm wow. As always kapag pagod na akong mag-describe, eto na lang:

"Ito’y nang matapos na nag-disperse sila. Pagkatapos nito, hindi na sila nag-away. Nag-away kasi sila sa simula. Pagkatapos nito’y nagkaroon sila ng pag-aaway sa simula."

Thank you Michael Fajatin.

Sakalan sina Jean and main blonde alien while light power circles them. It has all the excitement of my phone sucking charge from my power bank. Basta tagisan sila ng super powerful gigil faces ending in an explosion in outer space.

Alien: Your emotions make you weak!
Jean: No, my--

OK na.

Ang ending? Si Professor X at Magneto naglalaro ng kinginang chess, leaving me feeling like I watched The Last Stand. At least namatay si Mystique so there's that.

What a nice movie thanks bye God bless.

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